Published on What She Said, February 11, 2016
Calling all lovers, daters and relationship seekers! Valentine’s Day is often a reminder for us that dating and relationships can thrill you, and take you down emotionally. Over the years, I have developed a set of rules for people to use to enjoy wonderful and healthy experiences in their dating and relationship lives.
- Having Passion Is Attractive to Others. One of the most important aspects of engaging in the dating world is that you need to be in touch with what makes you excited and passionate. Staying true to yourself and to the things and activities that make you interested and interesting is essential as you care for the “self” ….(which as an added bonus can be very attractive to others as well!)
- Past Relationship Influences: Learn from the Past. When entering the dating realm, make sure you are firmly planted in the present moment, and be aware that the unresolved and unprocessed feelings, traumas and bad-breakup energies of your past relationships could have an impact on you and how you respond when dating. For example, you may be subconsciously closed off to intimacy even though you swear up and down that you are ready for something new! This subconscious unresolved baggage can be a major block to attracting the suitors you desire.
- Don’t get fooled by the “love drug.” When we cuddle and engage in sexual activity, we emit the “nesting hormone” oxytocin, which motivates us to want to nest, sometimes with the wrong person. It promotes a desire for sexual intimacy before you have been able to establish any emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy tends to overshadow everything else. My advice is take at least a month before engaging in sexuality with a new person. Get to know them on an intellectual, emotional level before letting the love drug do its magic!
- Stop emotional dumpster diving. This is when people lose their self-esteem completely and treat themselves as if they deserve only garbage. They keep moving toward people and relationships that are dysfunctional, toxic, even abusive, and settle for anything so as not to be alone. Some examples; saying yes because of guilt, needing others approval to feel ok, having affairs, never taking time to be alone; all examples of emotional dumpster diving.
- Don’t fall in love with someone’s potential. Sometimes a person will come into your life who just doesn’t have it together. They have great intentions for their life, but at the moment they are in an unrealized place. It is important, when dating, to accept where the person is at. They may change and become more productive, but if you are thinking of this person as a long-term match, know that there are no guarantees as to how this person will follow through on their goals and claims about what they want to do in their life. Believe people when they show you who they are versus when they tell you who they are. Pay close attention to their relationships with money, family & friends and boundaries.
Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, RP, CCC, BCPP, RPE has been a Relationship Expert, Registered Psychotherapist, Holistic Psychotherapist, Life Coach, author, and speaker for 20 years. Her work has given her a front row seat on the metamorphosis of countless people. Her first book, Find Your Self-Culture: Moving Past Depression and Anxiety to Monumental Self-Acceptance has been described as a way out of the rabbit hole of depression and anxiety using profound self-love and awareness. Her new book Connecting: Rewire Your Relationship-Culture is published in February ( Manor House Publishing). www.visualizationworks.com
“This book would have made my journey shorter and easier. It will guide you through your family matrix, into dating in the modern world, how to spot relationship dysfunction from the start and finally lead you into healthy relationships and enduring marriages.”
– Dini Petty.
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