Parental Alienation: Devastating Consequences!

Transcribed from my video at youtube.com/askvictoria.

N writes in about his “Malicious Mother” who alienated him from his father for 25 years. He is now in the process of reconnecting with this part of his family that he was deprived of. His mother now has amputated him, heartlessly! This tactic to seek revenge on the other parent is so toxic and so manipulative and has devastating far reaching consequences. It is not to be used unless there is physical proof of abuse. In this case there was no abuse and so the blow was all the more horrifying for N.

I’d like to address a very painful situation called parental alienation syndrome. It occurs so often as a tool to manipulate, get back at, seek revenge on the spouse that they are divorcing, and it is devastating in terms of its effects on the children for their entire lives.

I just want to read a short letter that came to me. It just breaks my heart, because this is a tragedy. The subject is “malicious mother”:

“I am now an adult dealing with my parents’ divorce. I see now that I was raised by my mother who alienated me from my father and the rest of my family. After 25 years of separation, I now have started a relationship with those I have had none with, but at the loss of my mother’s relationship. The most hurtful thing is that I was so close to her for years, and now she cares nothing for me. I have been looking for help dealing with this loss, how to embrace this new family, and the loss of the only parent I have known. N”

So N, I want to say, congratulations on dealing with this as bravely as you have, and seeking out your other family. It is your right to know these people. And what I’m here to tell you is that you were dealt an extremely unfair blow. There is absolutely nothing that should keep you from your other parent and the family you were born from. I just want to say that you need to grieve this incredible loss; 25 years of relationship with this other family. And about your mother I would say that she is an extremely amputative, manipulative and not well person. If she were well, if she knew what she were doing to you, if she were thinking of you, if she were considering you, she would not be doing and she would not have done what she did, which is to separate you from your blood relatives. The fight was not yours, and unfortunately you paid the biggest consequence of everyone. I would say that your mother’s cutting you off is unfortunate, but possibly a relief for you, to move beyond that type of relationship, that is very conditional, amputative, and toxic. Your mother is a malicious person, probably because of her own upbringing and her own issues that she’s gone through. They’re not your fault; I want to repeat, it’s not your fault. What you are responsible for now is to take care of your well-being, and to connect with people without seeing those people through your mother’s eyes. That is what I want for you. To not see the other family through your mother’s eyes. Get some therapy so that you are no longer totally imprisoned and enslaved by the way your mother sees life. It’s your turn now, and I’m sorry to say that your mother may not be part of the next phase of your life. It is her loss. The fact that she could cut you off is just devastatingly toxic, and I’m here to say to you, as painful as this is, this may be an opportunity for you to see life through your own eyes, and to be free of some of the burden that your mother put on you.

Good luck, be well, keep me posted and I just want to tell everyone who is considering alienating their child from another parent, please do not. Obviously if the other parent is abusive, and you have physical evidence of that, that’s a different story. But just to get back at them and to amputate and toxically influence your child (and yourself)–don’t do it. Don’t alienate your child from the other parent in a divorce situation. Be friendly, figure it out, and forever more you will be linked to this person, because you have a child with this person. Even if you don’t want to be married to them, you are still parents. Act like them.

Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy

7 Comments

margot gordon on March 25, 2012 at 9:23 pm

really when these unkind people remove us from their lives, they are doing us a favour. if our attempts to reconcile and talk our truth and our offers to listen to theirs are rejected then…waste no more energy or time

Anneloes Warrener on August 13, 2012 at 8:11 pm

I can see myself in N’s story. I am also a victim of parental alienation syndrome. Over the years, I have learned the truth about what my mother did to my father and myself (not from her but from observing other families and other people telling me that all was not well in our home). She hated him with a passion and filled my head with horrible things he supposedly did to her and myself. I have been in contact with my father but although I believe he is innocent in all this all I can see is what my mother has told me over and over in my head making the relationship with my father difficult. Now the relationship I have with my mother has been affected and not for the better. I cannot forgive her for what she has done and prefer not to be in touch with her but she is my mother. It is not easy to cut your mother off completely because that means that you have no family at all and I am afraid to be all alone in the world.

delia on January 20, 2013 at 3:04 pm

Sometimes there can be no physical evidence of the abuse, especially if it’s emotional abuse like the manipulation and torment attached to alcoholism. My son’s father is ‘sober’ now and he sees him twice a week and it has nothing but a bad effect on him. His sleep and temper is effected immediately after seeing him. But it is very hard to prove emotional abuse and manipulation when the person is very clever. So sometimes cutting off can be a good thing, my son went back to normal and relaxed when we went on a two week
break and didn’t see him, so I have made a decision to move and keep him at a distance.

Donna Hughes on August 15, 2015 at 5:07 pm

alienation is completely different than protecting someone. Persons who manipulate the child due to their own feelings and psychological needs are different from those protecting a child from the evidence of abuse.

Renee Hodgins on August 16, 2015 at 2:25 pm

I enjoyed reading this article. It was helpful, in helping others get past the pain of manipulation and control by a parent or adult who denied the child the love of another parent. I have personal experience through my own family as well.

Veronica Hand on September 5, 2015 at 3:05 am

My mother’s parental alienation didn’t even stop when my father suddenly died. He died intestate and when I queried my mother’s right to receive 100% of my father’s estate: she shrieked as though I had thrown hot water on her, claiming that if my father had prepared a Will, to not kid myself into thinking that he would have made me a beneficiary.

She couldn’t clear the house of his personal possessions fast enough and denied me the right to even select what I wanted to keep.

There’s a four-letter word that doesn’t get used so much these days, yet it adequately describes my mother’s actions:
evil.

Jennifer on November 5, 2015 at 5:01 pm

I am a mom who has lost my oldest daughter to this. My ex refuses to co-parent with me and let her see me or my parents unless he needs a favor. I have list 3 years with my daughter so far.I hope she comes around soon and realizes what her dad is doing. What’s worse is that he is the one who cheated and broke up our family in the first place. I miss my daughter every day.

margot gordon on March 25, 2012 at 9:23 pm

really when these unkind people remove us from their lives, they are doing us a favour. if our attempts to reconcile and talk our truth and our offers to listen to theirs are rejected then…waste no more energy or time
Anneloes Warrener on August 13, 2012 at 8:11 pm

I can see myself in N’s story. I am also a victim of parental alienation syndrome. Over the years, I have learned the truth about what my mother did to my father and myself (not from her but from observing other families and other people telling me that all was not well in our home). She hated him with a passion and filled my head with horrible things he supposedly did to her and myself. I have been in contact with my father but although I believe he is innocent in all this all I can see is what my mother has told me over and over in my head making the relationship with my father difficult. Now the relationship I have with my mother has been affected and not for the better. I cannot forgive her for what she has done and prefer not to be in touch with her but she is my mother. It is not easy to cut your mother off completely because that means that you have no family at all and I am afraid to be all alone in the world.
delia on January 20, 2013 at 3:04 pm

Sometimes there can be no physical evidence of the abuse, especially if it’s emotional abuse like the manipulation and torment attached to alcoholism. My son’s father is ‘sober’ now and he sees him twice a week and it has nothing but a bad effect on him. His sleep and temper is effected immediately after seeing him. But it is very hard to prove emotional abuse and manipulation when the person is very clever. So sometimes cutting off can be a good thing, my son went back to normal and relaxed when we went on a two week
break and didn’t see him, so I have made a decision to move and keep him at a distance.
Donna Hughes on August 15, 2015 at 5:07 pm

alienation is completely different than protecting someone. Persons who manipulate the child due to their own feelings and psychological needs are different from those protecting a child from the evidence of abuse.
Renee Hodgins on August 16, 2015 at 2:25 pm

I enjoyed reading this article. It was helpful, in helping others get past the pain of manipulation and control by a parent or adult who denied the child the love of another parent. I have personal experience through my own family as well.
Veronica Hand on September 5, 2015 at 3:05 am

My mother’s parental alienation didn’t even stop when my father suddenly died. He died intestate and when I queried my mother’s right to receive 100% of my father’s estate: she shrieked as though I had thrown hot water on her, claiming that if my father had prepared a Will, to not kid myself into thinking that he would have made me a beneficiary.

She couldn’t clear the house of his personal possessions fast enough and denied me the right to even select what I wanted to keep.

There’s a four-letter word that doesn’t get used so much these days, yet it adequately describes my mother’s actions:
evil.
Jennifer on November 5, 2015 at 5:01 pm

I am a mom who has lost my oldest daughter to this. My ex refuses to co-parent with me and let her see me or my parents unless he needs a favor. I have list 3 years with my daughter so far.I hope she comes around soon and realizes what her dad is doing. What’s worse is that he is the one who cheated and broke up our family in the first place. I miss my daughter every day.