71 Comments

1. 

   Nena on July 28, 2012 at 1:47 am

   Great article. Really good
   information.thank you.

2. 

   Nena Bowers on July 28, 2012 at 1:52 am

   Great article

3. 

   Jo on August 28, 2012 at 10:08 am

   Yes. Really good article. Sort of emotionally balanced.
   Right now at the age of 61, because I shot of an email to my parents saying that no matter how hard I tried I could never take a trick I have been told that I am cruel and that I am never to contact them again. My mother who I have realised is a narcissist, told me that ‘I didn’t do well (at university) and that she had proof. I protested this in the email, pointing out that I had got first class honor, a prestigious scholarship to do a PhD and a part-time lectureship. I think that she is jealous. I am struggling to find a way of going foward. I feel like I have been cut off from all light. I just don’t know how to walk away.

4. 

   Laura on November 10, 2012 at 2:13 pm

   I have been trying to figure out my entire life why I was treated differently than my older sister. She could do “NO WRONG!” She is what some call the “Golden Child.” However, I could do absolutely nothing right. I couldn’t even chew my food correctly according to my father. I am 39 years old now and have always felt like an outsider. They never include me in anything that the family might be doing together. (Meaning my Mom, Dad and two sisters.) It hurts since I have realized that I am dealing with NP it has made dealing with it easier in some way. Now I can see that it isn’t me. It’s them! Thank you for your article. It was great and I enjoyed reading it! Take Care!

5. 

   Becky on March 5, 2013 at 2:06 am

   Thank you so much for your healing words. They mean so much to me in a life that has been devoid of kindness. You describe precisely what I’ve felt which is so impossible for anyone to understand. As you say I have felt like nothing which makes it difficult to live in the world not having a self. I have extreme burn-out and day to day life is difficult. I don’t know who I am even at 42! When anyone has a problem I assume it’s my fault which makes it so stressful in any interaction. I’ve only just discovered what’s gone on having grown up with narcissist father. I thought I was crazy / defective and now feel I can start to build a life, a bit late now I know but better than nothing…. I have realised most of my friends are narcissists and also ex boyfriends – I finally get it – your words mean the world to me. Thank you

6. 

   Lena on March 7, 2013 at 9:17 pm

   Very interesting blog! I’m fascinated by this topic, having been raised by a narcissist myself and living with the effects of it.

7. 

   Marie on October 12, 2013 at 7:52 am

   I’ve known my mom likely has npd, my dad enables but now even seems so much MORE like her to the point nothing I say is heard for truth. I’ve been a nurse 30 years, my hubby a police specialist 31 yrs but the family divorced us because we chose to adopt at “our age”. After raising 3 awesome kids, we now have three special needs children at home having the time of our life until jealous sisters undermine each joyful event in our life, will triangulate to our parents, give us the silent treatment then we are banned from big family events. The trauma to our children is over the top. 20 yrs ago my sister Barbie married Ken in only 6 months against what we thought about him. He is likely a sociopath and soon taught her how to subtlely attack me so I would be the target and he could continue his abuse. NO ONE would hear my simple questions, why did I deserve to be excluded or why did she get what she wanted even if it hurt me and my kids? Everyone treated her like the wounded victim princess. She came to me for help only to turn it against us behind our back. It went from $50,000 to bail him out before we knew, to death threats on our children for months during their divorce when Dad called begging me to go move her out he had a gun. I his my own children not knowing which home and the sitter was on her way. My one son has PTSD so bad he cannot be in my life. It HURTS to lose a child! I would give anything to help him release that pain and he is in therapy for years. My Dad and sister refused to do a thing to help him. Too many other crisis but recently she had one sister call my husband’s job to report him saying he made ethic violations by sharing police records with me, forgetting I LIVED it! But it was a 2 hour intense interview, a permanent ding in his pristine record, no salary while investigation was being done and right when a new Sheriff came in to office so that looked horrible for his career ladder. I was said to have injected drugs to make our daughter ill, have the mother complex (I guess Munchausens? and risk of physical harm knowing social service would take our three adopted children away till the investigation was complete. Our daughter jumped off a swingset two years ago and developed extreme pain in her abdomen which turned out to be EDS type 3. It took 2 YEARS of me being up night and day, rushing her to ER to break the pain at the migraine clinic so she did have needle marks. As a nurse I would end up in prison at least 6 years according to our legal consult. My husband to jail and lose his pension and credentials for life. We would be penniless and our little ones orphans again. I cannot tell how how traumatic this has been.
   The Thanksgiving before we were banned from all relatives for they think I make this up. My family projects and no one wants to be around us as we keep putting out fires.
   Christmas time there were no visitors or places to go. Our children feel abandoned which is so wrong having relatives who suddenly leave. I do my best to support our children’s emotions and keep working with specialists.
   We met with a Priest mediator and my parents twice trying to work out truth. Trying to bypass emotion but stop triangles and set boundaries. It ended up being 4 hour sessions to make up how horrible I am to everyone. I used to be the one everyone came to in a crisis but now I am the root of what they feel is the cause of all crisis. At times I wished I was not even alive seeing how much this is hurting our children and my husband. He is quiet and waits for me to tell him what to do but at times it upsets me he will not stand strong against so many wrong things in our life! To be a cop I did not expect this especially when I am being verbally assaulted and threatened that he will not stand between us, will not speak, will not walk us inside or tell me what to do. So now the children are afraid the neighbor was trying to kill mommy but Daddy did nothing. 3 times. He says that no action is better. But I felt abused and our children unprotected plus now we are left with all the unfinished things they were supposed to do before they moved.
   I am so beat down from trying to lift up my own family, by trying to move past the issues the family throw at me then deny their part. The therapist said I need to learn how my husband’s limits affect me and how I need to step up, but then the police therapist asked him why he did not divorce me! I wonder if he really loves me then why does he not protect me then hold me back from trying to resolve the issues behind that incident. I do not want to upset my husband if he really has a limit but now I have absolutely no one to lean on. My parents throw their own issues at me and get upset I do not drop everything to help them. They use the other siblings to bring them information on me but then its twisted to use against me.
   None of my friends see to realize I cannot control them but I am deeply hurt by the extreme pain they cause in our life…nearly stopping us from being able to adopt, messing up our daughter’s wedding, ostracizing us from our God daughter’s new baby coming, to now I am trying to cope with how I can stay strong if they do remove our children and do the investigation…
   We did cut the family off two years ago before all this so this seems to be how they reacted to us stepping away.
   My Dad used to be okay, its only the last two years since he was nearly burned to death that the siblings have kept me away from being any part of that inspite of my medical training. My parents got so upset I did not come and they refused to accept what the others were doing. They asked and no one said the same thing I did, so I must be wrong. They forget no one is likely going to admit sin!
   How do you cope realizing you are not loved? That you have been abandoned over and over and none of your supports are left. I called and wrote our Priests and Deacons who know all of us only for no one to return my call or letter just asking for spiritual guidance. This is a healing moment for all but they seem to think I am mental and the only sick one.
   They even got my sister in law mad and now she is not speaking accusing me of not meeting her needs. She is not married nor has children so she will not see the pain as I do but she is not reaching out to our children but blames me they do not run to seek her.
   I know I do something to allow this, but with each therapist they tell me that I give too much. That I take on too much and do not give up on people. That I need to walk away. But it hurts so much seeing how this has negatively affected every aspect of my life.
   is there something more I can do?
   Marie

8. 

   Rahmana on November 4, 2013 at 11:04 pm

   It is so re-affirming to read these comments in terms of the decision i made to get away from my narcissistic mother when i was 23. I think that in general, society has us all bound to this fairy-tale expectation that family is everything and that you have to stick with them no matter what. This is such a damaging belief for those of us who were born to socio-paths and narcissists. GET AWAY. God does not want us to be miserable for our entire lives. Just because you share blood with someone does not mean you are bound to them and doomed to suffer their abuse for a life-time. The longer i stayed away, the better i felt. My sister, who stayed by her side, became a narcissist herself. I have suffered terribly for 20 years from the health problems i developed as a result of being raised by a narcissist and absorbing her negativity, but i have healthier relationships and i get happier every year. I can’t lie, it’s never easy to be without family. It’s very difficult to feel all alone in the world. But i have tried to be the person i wanted in my life, and i have attracted beautiful people to me, and so created my own family, so to speak. Whether it is a mother, father, sister, brother, grandmother or any other family member, if they are a narcissist–GET AWAY. Don’t come back. There is no cure as of yet and they do not change.

9. 

   DeeDee on December 29, 2013 at 11:55 am

   I was raised by two narcissistic parents, with all the inherent abuses. They, of course, also role-modeled and taught my two sisters to do the same. I am now 58 years old, and just becoming completely clear on what has been going on, partly because I am waking up to the misery in my life, but also because they are becoming more brazen in their abuse. It’s worth pointing out, that often NPD parents choose a scapegoat in the family. That was me. The scapegoat is typically the most loving and strongest child, the one they feel they can scapegoat without completely destroying. The sibling learn the scapegoating as well. Clearly, I was the scapegoat of the family…the most loving, giving, smart,and capable. For my entire life, I felt if I kept my mouth shut through all the abuse, depression, and feelings of alienation and complete loss of identity, and instead, became MORE of these fine qualities, that things would change. But of course, the goodness enflamed my family even more. Now I see that I have ALWAYS been the happiest, and the most centered, when COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTACT WITH THESE BEASTS. I have kept coming back for my lovely nephew, but I can’t even do that any more. I can’t help him, if I’m in this painful state. So I am leaving my family to save myself, so later I can save him.

10. 

    H on February 3, 2014 at 12:03 am

    Rahmana,
    Thank you for your comment. I wish I had the strength to stay away from my NM when I had no contact…but she got back in my life when I was hospitalized and weak. Now I wish we still had no contact. Your words have encouraged me.
    Best to you,
    H

11. 

    jules on February 28, 2014 at 10:56 am

    i found a therapist experienced in NPD a few months ago and that may be the reason i am alive to write this. MY life has been so sad for so long. My NPD step father killed my spirit i think. i cant find a job; i have no self confidence. i accomplished things, worked successfully, had dear friends achieved excellence–but i was indoctrinated to believe tht value is not inherent, but only achieved through constant, unflagging work. i havent had a FT job in 3 yrs. I cant even get an interview. i am doing it right–I think i must have some energy of despair attached to all I do. And i hv never had a healthy romantic relationship. All my partners hv been narcissists. And no therapist cd ever pin down what was wrong. I am 56, sober for 22 yrs, so i am using the skills learned in AA to stay alive a day at a time. I dont know how long i can give it though. NPD step father still at periphery. Step sibs think its my prob. i hv no contact w two of the three– they exhibit similar behaviors to step dad, and still are caught in the servant to the king mentality. 80 y.o. Mom in therapy too, but also in denial. And i have no oomph–I am like a jello blob of anxiety and self pity and fear and self recrimination and –alone alone alone. i have retreated so far. Maybe it can be better tomorrow. i wish all of you who are suffering a new day.

12. 

    martin on April 16, 2014 at 7:27 am

    I am a 37 year old man and a survivor of a narcissistic mother. Words can not describe the emotional damage it caused to me. Depression and loneliness are my only companions. I have no wife, no children, no friends. Only a job to support my meger existence. Every day is a painful strugle.

    So please, if you have children of your own, treat them kindly. Their lives are in YOUR hands during this crucial stage of their development.

13. 

    Susan on April 26, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    This article is very helpful. I am the daughter of a mother with narcissistic traits. Not sure if she’s full blown. She can be nice to me, and mean too. I’ve always felt she has no emotions, like a robot, she’s very judgemental. I’m the eldest of four. I believe my youngest sister is N. I feel as if I escaped being N, yet from a young age felt lonely, like I didn’t fit in, and have experienced clinical depression in the past. I am on medication for anxiety & symetry OCD, & even with this, still have moments of sadness & depression, usually within a period that I have spoken with my mother who is 90 years old. I suspect my father has N traits too, not as much tho’. My first marriage, was to a man with OCPD, I discovered only a few years ago, we have two sons together. My 2nd, was to a man with a NBPD. Both are undiagnosed. Neither worked out. I used to be a pleaser, and have no voice…with my last marriage, by leaving and having many years of therapy, ongoing, I found my voice. I often feel very sad inside, with a hole that can’t be filled up inside me,is how I can describe it. I’ve often wondered if my scottish paternal grandfather didn’t save me from becoming N. He lived with us from my age of 2, and adored me,then died when I was 7. I can pick out a N instantly, and can feel physically ill in their presence. Susan

14. 

    Nicole on July 3, 2014 at 12:53 am

    After twenty-five years of thinking that I was crazy, I wasn’t good enough, and that I was the bad child, I am starting to heal. My mother and I were never close. She did not hug or kiss me. She blamed me for things that were absolutel lies. She prompted my younger sisters to make fun of me. As a child, I thought if I earned good grades, she would be different. I thought that I could please her. I thought that I would make her proud. However, all of these things were unrealistic demands. She would pretend to be proud in front of our congregation at church or to the neighbors, but once we were behind closed doors, I went back playing my role as the scape-goat. When I was in my twenties, I moved 2700 miles away from her, and that relationship worked out. She would call me, and she would lie to me about her life, my sisters, and whatever else she could create. At the time, I didn’t realize that she was lying. Seven months ago, she contacted me, and she told me that she had bone cancer. My daughter had never met my mother, and I felt as though my child should know her grandmother. My husband, my two children, and I moved to Oregon to assist her. Once we arrived in Oregon, I slowly began to realize that, once sgain, she had lied. My husband and I assisted her with bills, paid her mortage, and helped her in any way we could. She
    would constantly make fun of my cooking. She would constantly complain about my parenting, and she would disregard my accomplishments in college. Then she began purchasing animals. In total there was 43 animals. I felt like I had reverted back to my childhood, and I was petrified. I knew that if I went against her, I would receive her wrath. Slowly every animal and person, including my children, who was associated to me, began to be punished. First, it was my dogs. She forced my dogs to be in a shed, without windows and without a floor. Thankfully, a neighbor contacted animal control, and she was forced to allow my dogs out if the shed. On the other habd, I was going to “get it”. She began treating my daughter, just as she treated me, as a child. She began treating my husband disrespectfully, and she picked up, where she left off with me. Everything was my fault. I could do nothing right. After four months, she threw her daughter, two grandchildren, and her son-in-law out, with no money and no place to go. Neither of my sisters wilk even admit there is a problem. However, my youngest sister has admitted that our mother’s love is unconditional. I was always there to protect my sisters, but no one is here for me. My sisters constantly call me crazy, and they blame this situation on me. But, I can finally begin to heal. It was never me. My mother not only suffers from Bi-Piolar disorder and is unmedicated, but she is narcissistic. Although, I have played the role as the scape-goat and the bad child, I can watch that curtain drop, and I no longer have to be a performer in her play. As far as my sisters are concerned, I wish that they would realize that our mother’s physical and emotional abuse is and was never normal.

15. 

    Diena on July 3, 2014 at 6:35 am

    Great article. My father is a narcissist and mother is someone with those tendencies. My sister learned to be that way so she could gain my father’s acceptance. She has two kids – her son is the scapegoat (the smartest, most loving one) and a daughter who is repressed and also becoming a narcissist. I’m 52 and went to zero contact with the entire family about 12 years ago. It was the first time in my entire life that I ever felt hopeful and “normal”. Recently, I’ve been allowing them back in – it’s only been about 18 months. And what I’ve found is this. After orbiting closer to that BLACK HOLE of a family for just a few months it’s become abundantly clear that having any contact with them is just, well stupid. And destructive. The ONLY thing that has ever given me peace is to KEEP THEM OUT!

16. 

    Claudia on September 5, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Thank you so much for this article… I too have an NPD mother and stepfather. As the scapegoat, I spent a lifetime trying to figure out why I was treated differently than my siblings and why they eventually also joined in on the abuse.
    I tried to be all they wanted me to be in the hope that I would be loved.
    Their poor treatment of me, always making me to feel like an outsider, a failure….
    Now I understand.
    6 months ago my mother lied, again to my siblings about something I supposedly did; and she stopped all communication with me-she has done it before, all the gas lighting and smear campaigns..
    So painful because so many believe them and join in on the abandonment…
    Now it is time to heal.
    This time, I will not go begging back.
    This time it is no contact and hopefully health, love and joy for me and my little family.
    Namaste blessings to all.

17. 

    Lisa on September 16, 2014 at 10:03 am

    I am 38 and have recently stumbled upon the fact that I have a N mom. She has been trying to take my teen age son for two years. He is 18 now and thinking about moving in with her. I have went to low contact since he did live with her for two months last year and I noticed signs of infantilization in him after I got him back. How do I stop her from getting him again? I have tried educating him on N behavior. I am so scared for him I don’t know how to fight her.

18. 

    Stacey on November 6, 2014 at 11:36 pm

    This artical is amazing. I am 21 and have spent the last couple months really looking back at my childhood and even now. I firmly believe my father is a narcissist. I was talking with a co worker one day and told me about this blog. It consists of everything I’ve dealt with. I realized my parents were like this because my boyfriend pointed out how they had been controling me even though I lived in a different town. They still have/had this power over me. I felt like I always needed to please them. I finally tonight took a stand against my father.. Biggest step in my whole life. Boy do I feel terrible yet good. Does anyone else feel the same way. ?

19. 

    MSM on February 17, 2015 at 6:57 pm

    It hurts & saddens me to know there are more of people like me that suffer from this slow deterioration of self & life. It is such a waste, the only solace that I can find is to try to save others from losing as many years of their lives as I have trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Maybe if I can help someone else it will give meaning to what I have gone thru. For all who read this please know there is someone out there that loves u & really cares for ur well being even tho they r not blood or that u can c them, they really r out there. Please do not give up, the more of us that survive the more of us there r that can help others to survive. Maybe someday there will b more of us than there r of them. Take care

20. 

    Amanda on March 28, 2015 at 1:46 pm

    This only confirms what I have come to realize on my own since I met my husband 5 years ago. My husband has been my Knight with a light shown on my family. A slow process of waking up and learning who my family REALLY is. I totally get it now. Most of the choices I made in life were below the bar in the “safe” zone. I didn’t think I was good enough. I passed up opportunities, friends, men, jobs all because I didn’t have self confidence.
    On the outside we looked like an all American military family. We lived in a nice neighborhood, took vacations, spent holidays together etc. On the inside there was yelling, loneliness, broken hopes and shattered souls. I have tried my whole adult life to please my parents. I have tried to “fix” their problems. I have given my life to them and now I’m taking my life back. I have gone insane trying to move what I thought was just a rock. It turns out that rock is really a huge mountain. Mountains don’t move. I regret that I have said things to my parents that were horrible. I should have just walked away because hurting their feelings isn’t going to change them either. I am the one who just needs to walk away, accept, forgive and move foward with my life-without them.

21. 

    Holly on April 1, 2015 at 11:56 am

    Stacey,

    I know you left this message a long time ago and you’ll maybe not see this, but I want anybody else reading to know that it’s completely normal to feel terrible, yet good. It’s a huge relief to know it wasn’t us this whole time. There wasn’t something wrong with us. But of course we feel terrible because we were never really loved. We were only given what appeared to be love when we made them look good, because we were never our own person to them. Just an extension. I’m thirty and this whole thing has hit me like a ton of bricks. I hope you’re getting through it and the amazing person you’ve always been is now shining through, like it always should have.

22. 

    Susan Kay on April 30, 2015 at 4:54 pm

    It is never too late to be enlightened. I, like many scapegoats, got away from my family the day I graduated from college. I loved my home State and the friends I had but I knew that being near my NPD mother would mean that my life would not be mine. It has taken me 40 years but I have finally found the answers that had somehow alluded me my whole life. My family and my story are not as unusual as I had thought. NPD and the devastation it causes within families needs to be talked about a lot and it is up to all of us who have experienced it to talk about it openly and often. Then and only then will people begin to understand. We must be the ones who reach out and who educate since there is no better teacher than our own experiences. My hope is to help people to avoid the many heartaches and pitfalls I went through because I simply did not know about this disorder and had no tools and nowhere to turn when faced with the unknown.
    I was the lucky one in my family, though,if indeed any one of us has been lucky at all. I was lucky because I got away.
    Love and peace to you all.

23. 

    Jen on May 15, 2015 at 12:25 am

    My sons father is a narcissist. My son is 4. Were not together and life has been a constant battle with him. Were currently in a custody battle. I fear for my sons confidence and well being. As I recently started to research the effects on a child being raised by a narcissist I realized my mother is one. I always knew something was wrong with my mom. She loved me but hated me. I ended up w a eating disorder and drug problem. Both of which I’ve overcome 10 yrs ago. However I still feel inadequate. My question is how can I prevent my son from going threw what I did. I never want him to fell less then and not loved. I need help to prove this. His dad is also of course comes off as Mr Amazing to strangers. I don’t know how to prove this or prevent damage to my son. He already locks him in a room and ignores him when he fails to please him. Help!

24. 

    carole veschi on June 4, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    My Mom was Narcissist. My Dad enabled her. Everyone knew my mom was very difficult. Somehow my dad and ex-husband expected me to live my life to please my mom and take emotional abuse to make my fathers life easier. I did for many years then one day I left. 16 years later I am still the bad one because of the way I left but my family refusing to see the abuse I was going through. No daughter should be expected to take abuse to make her Dad’s life easier. My Dad died and everyone raved about what a wonderful man he was. Will anyone ever see my side of this. It is so crazy.

25. 

    Cinderella on June 6, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    I am at a place of both acceptance and overwhelming grief and loneliness. I am 32, an only child, and recently FULLY aware of the years of calculated manipulative abuse from my NMom. She kept me isolated from family, only seeing them on occasional weekends and holidays. I grew up with her and an enabling father. I made straight A’s but i was socially awkward and diagnosed an extreme ADHD inattentive by the age of 6 or 7. I tested gifted in english & reading comp but she never told me I had a learning disability called dyscalculia. Instead, she called me lazy when i got to high school and just watched me flunk. I spent hours before and after class with nice teachers who were perplexed with my inability to grasp the concepts…. In community college I learned I had the LD. I was relieved after thinking I was stupid or “lazy” as my mother claimed me to be. When I told her she said she knew all along, but that I was still lazy and there was no reason I couldn’t have done better if I really applied myself.
    She never hit me, but as a child with no control over zoning out for minutes or hours (ADHD/I) her solution to me improving my grades was to restrict all contact with friends and take my music and tv for the school year, every year. I spent hours alone in my room as a teenager with nothing but a dog, and my imagination. No one checked on me or bothered helping or getting me help. They just let me sit there.

    I didn’t finish college, they weren’t able to accept my elementary school transcripts as verification of my LD to get me additional help or remove the affected grades, and she wouldn’t help pay for it. She actually told me i wouldn’t get anywhere.

    We lived in the country, I had no car, no public transport, and of course, she always made it seem like I was the forever failure, and she was the hardworking mother sacrificing it all… meanwhile she drained whatever she wanted out of her many boyfriends. This is just the tip of the iceberg… She has always had an addiction to pills, and knows how to doctor shop. Anytime she has ever done something REALLY messed up and undeniable, she always blames it on her meds (the ones she makes herself sick to get). Anytime I ever tried to address anything with her (always politely, lord knows you never want to piss her off) she just cries dramatically about being accused of being a bad mother and doing the best she could. The family has occasionally caught glimpses of her behavior but yet, she still runs me in the mud, and they still hold it as truth. A few weeks ago, she went on a pill binge after having a surgery(she brought on herself) and decided our sick aunt(she never liked and i barely knew) required her immediate attention, when i declined to drive her the six hours there, she drove herself. Just so she could steal the spotlight while she knew other family would be there. Her sister came (at her request) and immediately insisted my mother eat, bathe, and groom herself (which she had not done) but my mother proceeded to cry and tell the family she was being bullied. My aunt (being worried about her immediate mental state) called me, and I broke the cardinal rule and finally told someone about just the more recent issues and behavior and how much of a hard time i was having.
    Two weeks later (two days ago) my mother text me that she was cutting me off because I talked to my aunt about what was going on… lol WTH? I am actually relieved, but I feel ALONE. I’m not close to any of my relatives, I wasn’t allowed to establish connections as a teenager. I work, I am blessed and lucky to have a boyfriend(she barely knows but said she thinks may be bad for me), but – outside of that, theres no one to call, no one to visit when i want to get away. Now I am wondering what I really want out of life, what passions do I have, I can’t afford to go back to school and try again. I’m just trying to figure out which direction I want to head in. I am sure she will reach back out to me, but I just have to let her go completely. I thought I’d have to wait for her to die, but this is the push I’ve always needed, I just wish I had a homegirl to call on when I find myself stuck in the past or overwhelmed.

26. 

    Susanna on June 9, 2015 at 8:07 am

    My father killed my sense of self. I am 43 and just came to the conclusion he has had full blown NDP for many many years and is much worse now. He (back then) a cheating wife beating, drug addict and alcoholic. My stepmother was narcissistic but not full blown. It was so bad that not only have i suffered their evil but i also developed a few health problems. The verbal abuse and brainwashing was the only constant attention i ever got, even now at 43 my father my father abuses me. I am now second guessing everything i have ever done and do. I am a lost child looking for my soul and feeling like i am undeserving of one. I do not love my father, i have no pitty for him nor do i ever want to talk to him again. He has bashed me to my children, slandered me in public forums due to my not agreeing with his political opinion. It was so bad my adult daughter and 13 year old son nolonger want him in their life either. I question the person i married for i KNOW i attracted someone with traits of my father.who am i, what have i become?

27. 

    sheri on June 9, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    My dad was a narcissist he was a tyrant. Very abusive mental physically emotionally to my mom and siblings. I grew up feeling invisible and depressed and started drinking at an early age. Many of my sister’s are unstable and alcoholics guess self meditating. Marrying men just like are father looking for love, acceptance ,acknowledgement and validation.Finally coming to an understanding as adults which we didn’t as children.

28. 

    FallenAngelColette on June 13, 2015 at 5:11 am

    I can describe to you all how it warms my heart to hear your stories. I share a piece in each scenario you describe. I’m 26 years old and am a pair of an identical twin. My mother is a narcissist and my older brother (age 27) is and always has been the Golden Child. My twin sister is the scape goat, and I am the one my mother tries to convince that my sister is “bad,” she’s has succeeded in the past. But when I left everyone in the family at age 21 to transfer to a University, the fact that I have no real sense of self hit me like a ton of bricks. Every single day was a struggle for me (and still is) and i thought I was extremely unstable with mental issues, as my roommates would tell me.. I was a people pleaser, didn’t know I could speak my mind and was considered “weird” and too “nice.” I was disrespected and didn’t have a backbone. I am barely beginning to accept this reality of inner emptiness and accept that one day I can build a loving family and family friends of my own. There was so much gossip and lies my mother has told and continue to tell, with my brother, dad, relatives, church friends, family friends, etc have heard at point or another. My mother is known to be the ‘Queen’ and haa mastered the art of capturing my school friends and roommates affection at first meeting. “Your mom is so amazing” “Your mom is so fashionable”. I’ve had anxiety and depression for over 10 years and am starting to realize the importance of self compassion and self love..
    This is a very very painful reality to accept. I am so blessed to have my stronger than me twin sister by my side, as my self esteem is something I must work on daily in order to function as a healthy human being at work, grad school or any close relationships.
    I want each of you to know there is a higher being watching out for us. God loves us and heard our prayers and opurs is to struggles for a reason- I know it sounds terrible and I have denied his existence. The beauty of life comes from being aware of it. I will be praying for you guys, as we share the same type pain. I know there is a way out, and we are going to make it. The key is focus on loving ourselves.
    Much love to all.

29. 

    eugenia on July 1, 2015 at 9:50 am

    Thank you so much for this article. It made understand what happens in my family. It made me see that it’s not my fault. It made me feel that I can live a productive life and have healthy relationships with a family made of good friends. I now know that it’s OK for me to be away and protect myself. It’s not only ok but it’s also a duty for me to keep a distance so I can protect myself and keep my sanity.

    It’s not my fault. And mom go find somebody else to bully. I can finally say that even if it’s just to myself.

    Namaste to all of children of Narcissistic parents. We deserve much more of life.

30. 

    Tami on July 5, 2015 at 9:46 pm

    This is an extremely well written article, and I’m glad that you pointed out the risk of the child becoming a narcissist to their own children as a survival technique. Recently my mom had heart surgery, and she actually got nicer. I’m nearly 50, and I’m ashamed to admit that my thought was “finally…. the mom I’ve been waiting for”. Today I realized it was temporary. She always loved my ex husband who was not a nice man and terrible to the kids. They are in college now, and do not really want to be with him…. and she eluded that they would be better off to be with him in the summer. Even after I told him of the horrible way he treated them during a recent visit. I feel kind of stupid now that I thought my mom had changed and would finally support and maybe encourage me. Sad but true. I would like to know if any adult children of narcissistic parents have ever felt free from the effects.

31. 

    Natz on August 4, 2015 at 9:27 am

    It was a relief when the penny dropped in Dec 14 that my Dad is a Narc. All those years I was blamed for being a bolshy b@+ch when really all I had was opinions. He made my years from 10 to a teenager hell. From the age of 18 I left & have been drawn to self help/healing books all my life. I have done well & I feel that reading books about the ego/true self very helpful. Taoist & Zen type books ahve helped me enormously to be present & try to let go of whats been. However, I feel stuck as my Mum (the enabler) & my Dad live just round the corner from my beautifully well balanced and loving family (husband & two kids). My Mum keeps pushing us together although & I know he detests me (at the moment he wants to see my kids, they are too forward in their opinions..yet)he blanks me & wont make eye contact & my Mum refuses to acknowledge it & I have giving up wasting my time trying to tell her. So I keep it to myself. When they come round I feel his negative energy so deeply & its left here when hes gone. I have worked so hard to try to become enlightened & I live happily & positively & am a good parent but I hate having him in my life. I feel if I dont see him my Mum will be devastated & I dont want to hurt her but he has ruined my life in so many ways & I want it to stop. Im 43 for gods sake!He walks in my house & doesnt even acknowledge me! And Im supposed to think, oh well, thats just the way he is (thats what she says)but I FEEL it to my core. I know spiritually I should focus very hard on not responding to the negativity, to send my love, to not allow my ego room to get angry & I am getting better at doing that but sometimes its so hard. ESPECIALLY if I have PMT or strangely at the mo, at 3am I wake & Im thinking about severing ties for 2 hours. Just horrible negative crap. I know people with normal parents find it so hard to understand & its difficult not having that support, u do feel kind of alone.

32. 

    Joey on September 2, 2015 at 11:11 pm

    I’m 21 this year. Around 1 month ago I realized my mom(single mother) is a narcissist.
    My whole life made so much sense, my behaviour, my feelings and thoughts made so much sense.
    I’m having a really hard time to cope with it too. Suddenly being aware of the situation put me into questioning who am I?
    Which part of my personality is really mine and which part is just for surviving around my narcissist mom? I really don’t know and felt completely lost.
    I also have a hard time accepting that in my 21 years of life, I actually felt empty. My memories and especially my feelings felt really really empty.
    Constantly being insulted whenever I try to speak was a common thing that happens 24/7.
    I became so aware of my surroundings, I actually have difficulty in making friends and speaking up.
    Every words I say, I will automatically think a few more times before saying it out. It had already became a habit of doing so, because if not I will definitely get scolded and insulted for no reasons.
    I’m trying to find my own personality for the time being, my whole life made so much sense after I found out about narcissist parents.

33. 

    Rose Fox on September 5, 2015 at 12:58 am

    My comment is for Cinderella. I am now 54 and was an only child (very isolated in the middle of a major city), parents did not participate in the community at all; therefore reducing my ability to receive support or have a healthier frame of reference for ‘family’. I also had dyscalculia but in the 60s, girls were assumed to be lousy at math. You have to watch how your culture provides smokescreens here…and where you buy into them as well.

    When you get clear and undiscombobulated about the mental cruelty you have been subjected to, the dyscalculia will lesson as your brain structures (hippocampus, etc) feel it is safe to grow connections.

    Your brain is in DOS-mode,and trust the wisdom of your body to be self-healing; to guide you to the appropriate useful information. Develop discernment so you can tell shite from shinola.

    Wean yourself from trying to figure out what is in the parent’s head. There’s nothing but air and a couple of peanut shells in there. Keep moving along with getting strong in knowing your needs, your identity, your values. Carve out your bespoke self.

34. 

    Etain Winder on September 8, 2015 at 5:47 am

    What a beautiful statement Rose Fox. Thank you.

35. 

    Jenna on September 26, 2015 at 6:51 am

    My mom’s narcissistic personality traits showed more as she aged. She is sharp of mind, but I’m horribly afraid of outbursts from her, when I mention what she does has hurt me. I have to live with her ,because of health problems, though I have a job and self supporting, there is such a hurt little girl inside of me. I’m afraid of confrontations , do to the things she does. She gets into my stuff and throws it out, because she thinks I don’t need it, if she thinks I don’t need it.

    I’m exhausted all the time, and can hardly get up in the morning for work. I repress all my feelings, through overeating and rationalization. I try to rationalize my feelings away. One of her biggest trait is, she never says she’s sorry and says things like ” is it really that important?” less of a question and more of an answer. My feelings are discredited and diminished. I don’t know which is end is up sometimes.I’m so tired from holding the rage in. I have an ok job, but it’s not paying the bills that well. I feel lost, I don’t know what my abilities are, and here I am in my 40’s and still trying to find out who I am. I’m exhausted , depressed, anxious and see the future with dread.

36. 

    EC on October 8, 2015 at 2:38 am

    I have only just discovered NPD and I feel like my entire life has just all-of-a-sudden, made perfect sense.
    My mother has NPD.
    Every article I’ve read, is like someone was watching my sister and I grow up and they were documenting it.
    I cannot express the freedom and relief I feel right now, knowing I’m not worthless and unlovable. I can now establish why it is I act and think certain ways. Why I don’t trust anyone, why I can read people so well and please everyone around me, why I don’t often put myself first, and when I do, I feel endlessly guilty about it.
    NPD is such a huge issue that falsely sculpts and teaches children that they are worthless, I can’t believe it isn’t more widely advertised. I have been to several psychologists, because I’ve always known something was up, but they all said “You’re fine. Go home!” – Honestly.
    If I had known this several years ago, man, it would’ve been helpful.

37. 

    Sheila on October 18, 2015 at 7:02 am

    I just turned 50 this September and just figured out that my Step Mother is a narcissist. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. I lived with my mother as a child but had to move in with my Dad and Step Mother when I was in 7th Grade. I really didn’t want to live with them but my mother had to move back to her home town of Chicago for a few years. I finally realize now why I have no self worth, self esteem, resentment, really no love for myself. Like so many comments that I read I felt like something was wrong with me. What have I done so bad to warrant this from my Step Mother and my Dad. It has only n worse. I guess I could say the day I meet her I knew there was something not right and I am sure she saw me coming a mile away. At that time I think I was about 6 years old. I did not have a good relationship with my Dad in the first place. There are a lot of things that I don’t remember in my younger days, but as I have gotten older still ask myself what is wrong with me. I don’t belong on this plant. I am even scared of my own shadow sometimes. I was married for more than 15 years to a verbally and Mentally abusive alcoholic husband, finally divorcing I moved on. I am now struggling with addictions myself. Alcohol and drugs. I fell like my heads in spinning and I cant stop. I have depression, anxiety, and now panic attacks. This women and my father have made my life a living hell. I don’t feel I even belong. I am lied to by both of them, my own Father doesn’t believe me have no empathy they really think I am stupid. Not long ago my boyfriend was helping my dad BD OUT OF THE BLUE HE SAID TO HIM “YOU KNOW MY DAUGHTER MADE ONLY A 86 ON HER APPTITUDE TEST ” Any all I do is stuff it deep inside. I am a people pleaser I put myself on the back burner, and I really feel just black inside, lonely, scared, guilty and the list goes on. There is so many mind blowing stories I could tell about other comments and things they have done I could really write a novel. But I am glad I finally put my finger on this issue. I really don’t know now if my Dad has been one or he is just an enabler. He has never stood up for me, he just goes along with my step mother as he says ” the women I must obey”. I hope I can re program my brain and start loving myself. Thanks to all that wrote about their life stories. Bless all of you.!!!!!

38. 

    Sarah on October 26, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    After such a long time of browsing psycology blogs about weird childhoods, depression, anxiety and unintentionally getting involved in this field and trying to study psycology to unconsciously heal myself (obviously a failed attempt). I’ve come accross a blog that describes how I felt and how I feel. Each particular case is very different of course, and some include more extreme parental behaviours. But I’ve finally feel encouraged to write in a blog after years and years of passive reading… And shout out there that I am not mad! Well I will love my past therapist to come accross this blog and realise that

39. 

    Sarah on October 26, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    After years of browsing psychology blogs about weird childhoods, depression, anxiety and even getting involved in this field, trying to study psychology at College to unconsciously heal myself (obviously a failed attempt) I’ve come accross this blog that describes perfectly how I felt and how I feel at present. Each particular case is very different of course, and some include more extreme parental behaviours. But I’ve finally feel encouraged to write something in a blog after years and years of passive reading to thank a therapist for their healing and reassuring words.

    I will like my past therapist to come accross this blog and realise for once that I wasn’t hating my parents intentionally or being nasty to them. She asked me to take the blame and re-think my actions. She asked me to love my parents and share as much as I could with them as it is never too late, to overcome difficulties with them… I am exahusted in trying to catch up with what they are up to, but at least my partner has realised that I needed someone to talk to…

    I am glad I found this place because after few months without therapy I am feeling really stressed again and perhaps all I need is to get real and read more cases of people affected by this issue and stop obsessing about how weak my mind is.

    Also, a friend gave me a journal as a present long time ago but since I didn’t know what to write in it it is blank. You have now given me an idea and strenght to start using it.

    Thank you very much for your wise words.

40. 

    Shaz on October 30, 2015 at 7:34 pm

    Reading all these comments has helped me realise I’m not alone other people are going or gone through how I feel now .at the age of nearly 36 I have just realised my father is a narc and now going back to my childhood everything makes sense

41. 

    Brenda on November 17, 2015 at 11:06 pm

    Unfortunately, both my father and stepmother suffer from NPD. I finally confronted my father about my stepmother’s outrageous verbal and emotional abuse and he told me that if I am not supportive of her that it is an insult to him.
    My dad still wants to see me during Thanksgiving but the question I am asking myself is, “why bother?” He will only ignore the continuation of abuse at my expense and expect that it is his God-given right for me to do so.

42. 

    Candy on November 27, 2015 at 7:48 pm

    Thank you thank you thank you I am so grateful to gain such an understanding of my parents. The damage over the years is done. However knowledge is empowerment. The light bulb went on never again will I fix the problems or feel guilty for my very abusive narcissistic parents and ex narcissistic partners. So thank you for putting the information on line. I’m now 59 and I so wished this information had been given to me years ago. To all you younger ones it’s never to late so let go an walk away. No reasoning logic or anything else will ever change these parents. Today I am so grateful when my daughter said stop doing that the look of love pouring out of your eyes. Yahoo I thought how grateful I am not a narcissistic parent. I am free my bags are packed not one more day will I live with such abuse. Namaste

43. 

    Cris on November 29, 2015 at 8:03 pm

    It has been so helpful and supportive to read all of these stories. My parents just left after a 4 day visit. I felt the same way I always feel with my mother during and after any visit, utterly frazzled. Asking myself why can’t we connect, why does she try to sabatoge my life, why does she constantly control what’s going on, what’s wrong with me? I’ve always felt responsible for her discomfort in life, thinking I am to fix it somehow. After she left this last time, I found myself wondereding if she was narcissistic. I did my research, and I believe she has NPD. Suddenly I understand that she can only focus on herself. No attempt on my part can ever help her. I feel relief, freed up from my daily frustrations and feelings of being lost regarding my relationship with her.

    Now I can focus on healing the inner part of me that is angry, feels unheard and needs for me to be the healing mother. I am grateful to know I can handle this important task since I’ve had several years of therapy and see a wonderful therapist who can help me.

    My childhood experiences appear in a new light and I feel compassion for myself and my siblings. I look forward to feeling the positive results of this new awareness. Things may still be challenging at times, but I am so glad to feel that now, I am truly on my own path.

44. 

    Thelma on December 6, 2015 at 6:50 pm

    So pleased to meet other ‘survivors’of this family abuse, to know I’m not so alone…
    I only woke up to what ‘it’ was all about when the satin-like church minister mentioned my brother was the ‘golden boy’! Googled all this and found out, that as the only female, I was the ‘scapegoat’! It was good to know in a way… For years I have endured nothing but torture from my family and life has been quite difficult. I’m really sad that we have all had to endure this garbage from our families.
    I saw my mother 2 days ago and boy did it result in a whole lotta pain, I just need some kind of help, therapy to get through. I’m middle aged and my mum, dad died, lives alone and expected me to come and live with her. I sadly, have to watch my mothers demise, and feel like I’m watching a horror movie every time I’m around her, the only trouble with that is I am one of the ‘victims’ in this movie.
    I’ve done all I can, but there is no more I can do… I instantly respond/ed to all her manipulations, to all the other people she manipulates against me, some just acquaintences,teachers… It had been going on for years with a very negative effect on my life. I can’t seem to get beyond the pain, the crippling self-image and the legacy she/they gave me. How do you do that to your own child! Sadly other people can’t understand it, good for them I suppose. I have tried counselling dosn’t seemed to have helped much, and money is an issue. I have had health issues which I attribute to all the stress in my life. I was also physically abused too. Just tellin it like it is. GOD BLESS YOU ALL

45. 

    Traci on December 29, 2015 at 2:32 pm

    My dad passed away 3 years ago in May leaving me alone with my brother to deal with my narcissistic mother. My father was very level-headed which drove my mom insane but he usually could keep her under control. Now that he is gone, I cannot stand to be around her. She has arthritis and blames the world, her upbringing, my brother, and myself for everything that is wrong in her life. My brother lives away at college and I live with her-not for much longer. I felt like I had to live with her to help her through her “grief” of losing my dad along with getting things done around the house. I’ve been living in a nightmare. She is constantly telling me how horrible my father treated her. She tells me I am a disappointment and she has no idea where she went wrong and it was probably all my dad’s fault. She texts me throughout the day while I am at work telling me things that I “need to do for her” when I get home in a very condescending, mean way. I help her out tremendously, pay rent, help with groceries and she still tells me I am the most ungrateful person she has ever met. I believed her. I still do. I took up drinking to deal with the way mom made me feel which turned out to be a terrible idea. Now that I am slowly working through that, I have turned to seeking help from others which brought me here.
    Thanks to all who have shared…

46. 

    Wendy Barb on January 24, 2016 at 9:18 pm

    I have tried to leave messages here before but a past subscription to World Press over five years ago has always stopped me. Today I am trying again.

47. 

    Wendy Barb on January 24, 2016 at 10:12 pm

    Like all the people posting here, I come from a family situation where narcissism was the gorilla in the living room. Trouble is, my stepfather was a malignant narcissist, while my mother was sort of narcissist with borderline tendencies. I was the scapegoat and the only “child” in the “family.” But this is actually not about me, it’s about my mother. She died earlier this year and I got all her papers, diaries, letters, short stories, plays. She was an aspiring author with not much success. What a revelation these papers were. I had known that she sacrificed her independence, her choices of all kinds, her opinions to maintain her relationship with Mal, for malignant narcissist, from the time they married when I was 12. She valued people, books, ideas — everything per his directions and yet she was an educated and independent person (sort of) before the marriage. I was a ghost for the first five years of the marrige (lived with them only three school years of the five I had to go before high school graduation, no summers). Each school year was worse than the year before. My mother would later tell me that during those first five years, she blamed me (they both did, I’m sure) for the unhappiness of the marriage, but that after I was independent and adult, even married, their marriage was even worse. When she was 47 and he was 38, they separated and divorced. He absolutely screwed her in the divorce, but in her effort to show how little she needed him, she did not ask for spousal support. Later, it turned out, she lost her job and couldn’t get another, so her financial situation was dire for the rest of her life. She became a lesbian for the next 25-30 years. I don’t mean to imply a relationship between the economic outcome and her temporary change in sexual orientation. She always characterized all o the marriage as hell after it was over, and in fact, could hardly stand to be in the same room with any male. Except of course Mal. In spite of the public rage she was treating him with, she constantly visited him to do laundry at the former marital home and I learned from reading her diary, continued to have sexual relations with him. By this time I was living hundreds of miles away from her, so my actual observations of her were limited. Oddly, we remained pretty estranged in a silent sort of way, but I supported her liberation. Little did I know she wanted to re-unite with him only four months after the divorce but that he had started a relationship (maybe had triggered her departure from the marriage on that account months before she realized she wanted out). The woman he eventually married is my own age which has its own creepiness. Did he choose someone my age as a slap in the face to my mother? Oddly, I think my mother thought of this man as the love of her life, even though there were so many things she hated about him — the way he took her wages and gave her an allowance for cigarettes, the way she had to wash his sox and shirts by hand, the constant deference — Henry VIII could not have asked for more respect. As a marital warrior, he had her outclassed and defeated before she even realized that he assumed marriage was war. Here’s the oddest thing of all to me: she never re-evaluated her opinion of me, I was always a pathetic also-ran for her. Nevertheless, she at times felt great shame at the way she had allowed me to be treated. She was afraid that I would see her as a failure at the time of their divorce, which I vehemently denied. If liberation was what she wanted, I wanted her to have it. As an example of how she never re-evaluated me: I read one comment in an early diary: she sarcastically noted that compared to my friends, I was a genius. Imagine the level of stupidity she was observing in them. She wrote stories about how a sensitive mother was judged by her crude, harlot of a daughter. Another time she said to me (much later), “It’s amazing to me how much you love your children. But they were so beautiful, and I always thought I’d have other children.” I read five years of her diaries and my name appears maybe five times, the most extended being the comment about me being a genius compared to my friends. I made no comment. I never made a comment except in one letter responding to her reproach that I was “too materialistic.” I had asked for a loan to buy a subcompact car. Meanwhile the man from whom she learned to label me as “materialistic” was driving a Porsche. In the 40 years remaining to her after the divorce, she conducted her relationships with others in a fairly bizarre manner, constantly looking for a narcissist to adore and the way to destroy their enemies. She visited her ex and his wife and their children and had civilized conversations. They were living in the house that money from her parents had provided for the down payment. The only things material she took out of a ten-year marriage fit in a car — she didn’t want to quarrel over money and material possessions. Later when she was really broke and living in, well, squalor, they visited her, and he gave her $20! She had no lawyer during the divorce proceedings, but he did. Bottom line: he picked her up, shook out everything material,familial (me and to a certain extent her parents) and worst of all, her spirit. She walked out poor, kind of crazy and 47 years old. She never worked again for more than six months at a stretch and that only once. How could this have happened to a woman whose early life was so promising? She had an MA from an Ivy League school when she was 21 years old. She was beautiful and charismatic. She had a college teaching job when she was 22. She married her first narcissist (my biological father) and her life went down hill from then on. How could she put herself in this position? Partly it was the times she lived in — the 1950s which were probably the decade most hostile to women since we got the vote. But other middle class women with less going for them managed to make better choices. I am writing this down now because people should know to get out now if they’re involved with a narcissist.

48. 

    Caroline Chisholm on February 15, 2016 at 11:09 am

    I am divorced from someone l believe to be a narcissist.
    We have a daughter together, and last year, she reported him for slapping her. He was arrested, but denied it. My daughter is now refusing to see him, and he has taken me to court for breach of contact order. He is accusing me of parental alienation, and he refuses to believe that his daughter is capable of making her own decisions.
    It is never ending and a great source of stress to me constantly. In some ways l guess my daughter is lucky that the court is actually listening to her wishes as l know from reading lots and lots of things on the Internet, very little is usually done, especially in other countries. (I live in the UK)
    Even if the court find in my favour, we still face at ,east another 4 years of controlling behaviour.

49. 

    rachel carroll on March 5, 2016 at 7:32 am

    Only just discovered my mum has NPD. I’m 44. Everything makes sense now.Biggest realisation of my life. So sad. No going back. Realise I have no idea who i am. Realise why I constantly wish I was dead. Has anyone sent their NP info on this? I don’t know the way forward.

50. 

    Nick on June 9, 2016 at 8:25 pm

    There are two scapegoats in our family, myself and my sister that dared to ask questions and to go to the parents to tell them of our feelings about the rest of the family being so cruel during a planning of a family function. Ha, that was turned against us and now the abuse is worse than ever. ?They tried to make us out to be the crazy ones but they shun us now. I am just seeing my father for what he is, narcissist, wow, you hit the nail on the head. He perpetuates the abuse and likes it I think. He is lazy and always the victim and you must listen to his everyword or he gets very mad.I also realize that my close male friends are the same, lying people with no compassion that are out for themselves. I feel I am dick for not realizing this sooner but thank you for the article

51. 

    Jake on June 21, 2016 at 2:34 am

    I wonder what it would feel like reading all these summary testimonies about surviving/half-surviving through the NPD mother. I wont add my story because you can just juggle all the above together and re-summarise, and its the same story. Like many I turned to alcoholism as a quick fix and anytime I was in an attempt to get straight you could count on her to interfere somewhere throwing me back off the wagon in to distress and rage.

    Its only in the last 5 years on the net that there has been an explosion of survivors realising what it was they were dealing with, and coming out to contribute to the data.
    Thanks to the internet researchers now are realising that NPD-parents are about 90% mothers, not fathers. The father or stepfather in the saga is usually the ENABLER. Its an active-passive role, like denial, since its actually impossible to get her to change the patterns of behviour/sabotage

    Also notice that most people who are making these realisations are in their late-30s and older. The reason its late-30s and older is two part reason. First, the ones who are older is only because, as I said above, there as been an explosion of this information/discovery appearing all over the net only in the last 5 years. The reason then that its “late-30s” is because before that age the child-adult is still hoping that things will change, they are still making excuses for the abuse, and they are still desperately hoping things will change because they MUST change otherwise the child-adult can not bare to surrender to the reality that and NPD-mother will NEVER change, NEVER, and if that is true then that means that the child-adult has to face they are going to be left with the permanent legacy of the wounded memories of their life – How is that going to feel when one day their own children want to see all the photos of your life with your mother.
    The damage done and continuing to be done becomes so apparent by the time the child-adult is in their late 30’s that it has become a matter of life/death to desperately decide on some measure to protect themselves before they end up dying or getting disease from the stress and the such tragic sadness and emptiness carried as a part of their makeup, and the nightmares of 1000s of days of their lives wasted trying to give all their energy into finding a way where their relationship with their mother was joyful instead of despairing – that unconditional over of the child for their mother leading always to finding a way to forgive and forget only to have left an ever growing wound to be slashed again, each time the despair darkening and the light disappearing until not knowing if it would reappear again.
    The tragic dilemma appears to be that it is innately impossible for a child to hate their mother without somehow hating themselves as well.
    I used to wonder in my 20s about that red-flag women dating had about men, “that if he doesn’t like his mum, then run”. Of course then I thought it must be ME, that there is something wrong with me, but that its MY FAULT. I finally realised that its not MY FAULT, but alas the rule-of-thumb for women is still valid – I am damaged goods.
    Once I realised what I was the product of, that was at 35, and then could understand clearly all my faults, I decided to try just see if I can clear myself, save myself, repair myself – I am now 40 and I have not been with anyone for 5 years. I also became reclusive emotionally, not building any new relationships, a loner.
    Anyone realises the matrix of devastation is effectively irreparable when compared to an adult who had normal parents, that you will never get back what was lost, and particularly what was lost was TIME.
    The tragedy also played out against my NPD mum. Since at 75 her son has not visited home in 10 years. She flies over about once year, leaves me exhausted, goes around with her arsenal hunting down any key social assets I might have been building and sabotages them and then leaves me empty and back to square one.
    Its difficult to explain, everyone who posted here knows what I mean by, “difficult to explain” – One of the main destroyers in the path of destruction of it is the Cognitive Dissonance. I have seen written by a psychologist about the child of an NPD mother
    has been left effectively the same or worse off than the emotional complexes of an orphan.
    I never remember feeling happiness. I remember always clinging to the faith that one day I will feel happiness. Now that I am 40 this ‘faith’ is starting to wear thin. You see, the NPD Mother dying is not going to suddenly be the Starting Point of beginning restoration/salvation. Rather its only the beginning of the worst to come – the memories that will haunt you until your own grave, that finally after decades of hoping she would change, realise what she is doing, that now you bitterly and self-hatefully discover that when you were 19 years old you should have got on that train and disappeared into the world to build your own life as an orphan, that no matter how much that would have haunted you it would not have ended like this 20 years later, the worst of it still to come.

52. 

    Tera on July 4, 2016 at 11:15 pm

    Wow. It is so heartbreaking to read about SO MANY others’ stories of having a narcissistic parent.
    I had to stop reading because I couldn’t stop crying. I am shocked that all of this is even happening. Why can’t they be stopped?

    I’m at a point in my life where I’ve known for several years that my Mother is a narcissist. I’ve cut contact with her twice. The first time for two years, and then I let her in at a moment of extreme heartbreak (y’know, one of those “I need my Mom” moments), and of course, she eventually took it as an opportunity to take advantage of my vulnerability.
    So, again, I cut her off. It’s now been over a year and I am much more at peace.
    Or so I thought…
    I’ve been in a very healthy and loving relationship for a year and a half – we’re engaged!
    But now, I am ruining it all. I am being over-demanding and selfish. I am becoming the opposite of what I am. I am being guarded – acting cold instead of warm, as I used to be in the beginning.
    My partner knows my history – he’s met my Mother, has seen my pain and the damage she has done.

    Now I realize how NOT healed I am. How alone and disorientated I feel – that I don’t have a sense of self. This is what I told my partner: I could write a description of myself, but I don’t feel it in myself.
    I feel lost – stuck.

    I just want to feel like myself again… I just want to treat my partner the way that I know I should – in the way that I know I feel about him. I’m scared that I’ll be the reason why he might leave. I’m scared that I’ll lose myself entirely…

    What a sad and damaged mess these parents make of us! Fuck!

53. 

    Trish on July 14, 2016 at 3:51 pm

    Thankyou for an informative article. It’s never too late to learn and it’s taken me until now, in my fifties, to link my fathers personality to narcissism and some of my issues to the effects of this on me. Counsellors/ therapists have never probed sufficiently to make the links, or name the problem, which left me feeling that I was just too difficult to understand. Narcissistic traits and personalities and their impact on children is poorly understood but far from uncommon. In fact, could be argued that it’s quite common. There’s at least one in every family, workplace or anywhere else humans congregate 😉

54. 

    Mike H on September 6, 2016 at 3:36 am

    I am an only child and product of two narcissistic parents. Growing up I always felt like something was wrong but couldn’t quite identify it or explain it. I was also extremely depressed as a kid and extremely shy all the way through high school, which is both painful and embarrassing to think about. All the time wasted. I was punished often and inexplicably, for little things, silly things. They always used financial control and coercion to manipulate me. When I was younger they would kick me out or lock me out of the house if I did the slightest thing “wrong”. Sometimes I couldn’t even identify what I did wrong but would be made to apologize for “having a bad attitude” or something like that just in order to be able to sleep in my bed that night. I always thought that this was wrong and cruel, but could never quite argue with their logic that ‘their house = their rules’. Now at 30 I’m starting to realize the real seriousness of these emotional issues and that I can’t just sweep them under the rug, can’t just shrug them off. I am actually a damaged person because of this. I’ve never really had in intimate relationship as an adult. I always pushed the person away and ended up alone. People probably think something is wrong with me. I remember when I was younger, thinking that whatever girl I was dating or spending time with would not be “good enough” to introduce to my parents. They would find fault with her, and me by extension. The few times I did introduce her, my parents acted strangely. Twice my father called the girl a whore, once in front of her. He comes from a very conservative culture and wanted me to marry my second cousin, a girl I’ve seen 2 or 3 times in my life. Yeah, it’s fucked up. Both of my parents have told me that it’s impossible for me to get married unless I marry that particular girl because she is perfect for me whereas anyone else would just end up in a divorce. Worse, I started to believe them for a while. That’s when I really started to think deeply about things and realized that I have been emotionally abused my whole life. As an adult, my parents have been basically “buying me off” with material things, in lieu of giving the real acceptance that we all crave, which is impossible for them to do. And I accept these things which are basically trojan horses into my sovereignty and self determination, to my own detriment. They are terrified of me leaving them and leaving the state, though I will do so soon. I’ve found that my personal happiness is directly impacted by the amount of influence I allow them to have in my life. The happiest I’ve ever been was when I was 25 and had a job and lifestyle that I liked, lived 30 miles away from them and didn’t tell them my address. And I saw them once every 2-3 weeks and felt like I had a healthy control of my life. But of course they broke through eventually, convinced me to quit my job since it wasn’t prestigious or high paying enough, and I deserved better. They found a crack and got it. Then when I was lacking an income it was easy to control me. They want me to contact them every day and preferably visit them every day. I don’t think that it’s normal or healthy though. They seem to have no relationship with each other outside of their relationship with me. They use their meddling in my life as a bonding experience to reinforce their marriage, and I have known that since I was a very young kid. They want to take all of my time and don’t understand how busy I am and how many things I’m balancing at one time. And they leave me feeling exhausted when I do visit them. I go there wide awake and in a good mood and leave a little more beaten down, frustrated, put in my place. I try to communicate so many things to them but they ignore or interrupt me. It’s like cognitive dissonance- they simply cannot hear ideas or statements they don’t agree with. I’ve had for a while now a vague haunting feeling that other relatives think of me a stunted person. I can hide my stuntedness from others, but our relatives know that my parents treated my like shit when I was young, that they’ve had me on a leash my whole life and still do, and that I still stick around them trying to make them happy like an abused dog. So I feel like no one respects me because of this, how could they? Despite all this I do respect myself. I’m proud of my humble accomplishments that I’ve had to make while carrying this enormous burden on my back. I think those of us who have had to deal with this bullshit are incredibly resilient and can make incredible strides when left alone to our own devices.

55. 

    Maria on September 26, 2016 at 2:27 pm

    I can so relate. I am 55 years old and wondering why i never followed my dreams. I always felt like I wouldnt be able to do it. I always felt like I am doing for someone else. Where am I? Both my parents were Narcissistic but my mother was so loving. She always made me and my brother feel loved. My dad always put everyone down. I was never heard. I was always criticized. Everyone we knew waS better than us. I always felt guilty blaming my folks but the truth is I have a problem and dont think I will ever be saved. I am Always searching. THank God my kids grew up with confidence. I knew I would be a better parent by letting my son and daughter be who they are and not try to fix or change them.
    I am grateful that I came across this. I knew down deep inside of me that my parents were too overwhelming. My dad is 89 and I still feel intimated by him. My mom passed 9 months ago. I am still taking care of my dad.

56. 

    AMD on September 27, 2016 at 3:34 pm

    there are fathers too, believe me I have one. I am almost 50 and have 2 grown adult children. the past couple of years no relationship with my father because all my mother does is agree with him. me I started opening up my mouth and tired of him and his ways. he is a recovering alcoholic 25 years and has the nerve to criticize others and never think hes wrong. Hes impossible to be around. He is also very rude and takes all the attention away from me and my kids, so my mothers whole world is him. the only way I feel better is staying away from them. I was always doing the right thing by them. As a child never gave them any problems. Now I am my own person with opinions and we don’t get along. the solution is staying away.

57. 

    Joiedevivre on September 28, 2016 at 8:06 pm

    It took me a diagnosis of breast cancer to realize that my mother was a narcissist all my life. My siblings have been telling me this for years and I have made excuses for her! I have finally seen the light! I have built walls around my heart, but hope that I do not damage my own children. I am going to go see a counselor and read a book about healing.

58. 

    Miss Survivor on October 10, 2016 at 1:46 pm

    My father is narcissistic it was a breath of fresh air to put a name to it, at times I’ve felt like I was imagining his behaviour. Everyone around him bows down & puts him on a pedal stool, if you have any issues he will belittle you or find some thing worse that has happened to him. He has to be right about every thing & people dont dare to go against him. I feel like him being in my life is so damaging to my soul I need to break free. He has no morals & I have nothing in common with him I believe his personality disorder comes from being feral as a child.

59. 

    Quincy.Adams on October 22, 2016 at 8:31 am

    It’s like being in a relationship where you can’t support yourself, the other person knows, so they know they can get away with treating you like an object. One of those relationships where they know you must have sex with them to continue to stay. Except, this time, it’s not physical sex. Instead, it’s emotional sex.

    One of those relationships where you literally have to shut down and give in when they are around. What’s the point of struggling to let let them know you have your own needs? Everyone and everything around them are mirrors of themselves. Especially, you.

    One of those relationships where you have to secretly save a lot of cash on the side or work very hard to become independent. Because you must protect your kids from this cycle if you ever have them. You must protect yourself.

    One of those relationships where you are taught that your only value stems from how well you serve others emotional needs instead of the unique value of who you actually are inside. Where you have to hope that all the emotional incest doesn’t scar you from being able to form healthy relationships. But, how couldn’t it? You were taught from the beginning that you must offer your emotional body to be valued and appreciated.

    The only way to escape a black whole… Is to become a star it cannot swallow. To be so much better and enriched emotionally that to be around them is akin to giving spare change to greedy family members. Just because they built up their expectations of themselves like a star in which the universe of reality naturally collapsed, doesn’t mean they have the right or reason to attempt to swallow everything around it.

    For like a sex addicted parent touching their child due to a lack of self control and unmet needs, an emotional molester is also the same. One question. Ask yourself one question to know if you are being emotionally molested…

    In the past 10 conversations, how often has the person in question actually asked a question that doesn’t tie back to an interest they already have?

60. 

    Olivia on October 23, 2016 at 6:12 pm

    Growing up, I didn’t understand what I was doing in this world, and why everyone seemed to think and act differently than me. I would go to school and not be able to socialize with my peers and struggled in academics. (elementary school). I most likely had an undiagnosed learning disability, which my mother refused to acknowledge. Bullying followed and I would always be isolated. I started to develop anxiety and depression at the age of 8. I remember being scared of my mom screaming and her crazy driving. If my sister and I didn’t listen to her, she would beat us and stop her car in random areas and force us to listen to her. She would use clothing hangers, chairs, shoes to hit us and chase us everywhere in the house. It was a nightmare…My mother also neglected my health which wasn’t surprising as she didn’t know how to take care of herself as well. We would eat too much or too little and wouldn’t eat healthily. My desire to learn gymnastics and ballet were crushed by my mom as she believed that they would stop me from “growing taller”. I remember people telling my mother how pretty I looked and she would tell me how “she looked more pretty than me at my age”. I felt stunned and hurt. My father was working long hours and was rarely there to see her physically and emotionally abuse my sister and I. Fortunately, I met two English teachers in high school who changed my life. The first English teacher I had taught me how to think for myself. Prior to meeting her, anything I thought or did was what my mother thought or did. I was merely an extension of her irrational thoughts and actions. The second English teacher I had, helped me to reflect and draw upon my past experiences, which enabled me to come to so many realizations. I realized that I had to have faith in my ability to overcome these internal challenges I was facing. I began to develop and value my own voice and wasn’t afraid of speaking my mind. This, of course, frightened my mother as she didn’t want me to think for myself and “disobey” her. She would start to interrogate me on a daily basis and would say cruel questions: “Who taught you to say this to me? Is it your English teacher? Your friend? You don’t sound like my daughter!” Hearing all of this destroyed me as I felt like I was only being who I am. And there was nothing wrong in what I was trying to do. Now that I am 18 years old, I feel thankful that I’ve been able to understand that my mother has NPD and perhaps more undiagnosed illnesses and disabilities. My only hope is to be able to take back control over my life, and learn to trust and love others again. It’ll be hard, and I’ll often feel depressed. However, I know that my friends and counselor can help me through every step of my journey to recover from my childhood and ongoing abuse. I hope that one day I’ll be able to inspire and help others to not only come to the same realization as me but to also understand how crucial it is to take care of one’s mental health.

61. 

    Liz on November 1, 2016 at 11:57 am

    I hate that woman with every bone in my body. She has diminished my self esteem; laughed at me when things were tough for me; belittled me for not being good at math; using I told you so whenever it was convenient;has never offered any empathy; has made my brother the favorite and me the scapegoat. The list goes on. She has always treated my children with disrespect. She pays for everything for my brother – even to get him out of jail numerous times; buys him all of his groceries. I get nothing. Just her mean looks and her abhorrent attitude. No Contact three years ago and she never even attempted to talk to me. Guess I made the right choice.

62. 

    David on November 18, 2016 at 4:20 am

    Jake, I was one who got on a plane and left the country. I have made my way as an orphan. I have two brothers, who didn’t make it out, one became the Golden Child (and an N) while the other was diagnosed schizophrenic and strangled my mother in the street one day. I got out, I got away, and there is strength in that I know, but still at 39 (I left at 21) I find it hard to make my way in this world, with the emotional weight of the pain. Your message stood out to me – I agree that either way, staying or leaving, we have to face the truth that we are ultimately alone in loving ourselves through life. To all survivors, lets move towards dumping this pain and celebrating the fact that we did it. We survived. Period.

63. 

    Kim on November 21, 2016 at 3:37 am

    Very informative article, please read this as well:http://www.indiaparenting.com/raising-children/125_5665/things-parents-should-know-about-emotional-abuse.html

64. 

    maggie on November 27, 2016 at 9:36 pm

    Information is power. Conversations help. Narcissists are high functioning and reign in terror over those inter charge. I am grateful for those willing to speak up. We heal together—not in fear and isolation.

65. 

    Wanda on March 7, 2017 at 12:40 pm

    Oh this is just so sad, so tragic the damage our own mothers have done to us, their own children. Then they play the victim when we tell them how much they’ve injured us. Oh why were those evil fucking witches ever born. My heart goes out to all of you and I love you all.

66. 

    Patrick on April 16, 2017 at 9:28 am

    Thank you for writing this article and thank you to the people that commented on it. Jake, as I read your comment, I understood every last thing you said at the deepest part of my core. Same with Mike H, Olivia, Liz, really all the commenters. It is amazing how much we all have in common and how little there is that can be done to fix the damage, apparently.

67. 

    Marica Vind on April 18, 2017 at 8:45 am

    Really clear web site, thanks for this post.

68. 

    Samantha on April 19, 2017 at 11:27 pm

    I am in my late 40s and just left a covert narcissist husband of 10 years. I also recently recognised both my parents were narcissistic. I am starting out from scratch again, alone and broke. Yet somehow I am thankful I made it out as I know i was very weak and unwell for a long time and could easily still be trapped. I feel sadness at the time lost. But although I have to be aware and protect myself from the damaging narcisstic behaviours I also realise that from a safe distance I can still feel love and care for my parents and ex partner. Just remember when you examine their lives they are also a product and stilll suffering the effects of very difficult lives of their own. I just find it all very sad. Yet I am fortunate. I feel like a blanket has been lifted from over my eyes and I have the possibility to enjoy another chapter of my life in a much healthier way. For that I am very thankful.

69. 

    Tristin on May 17, 2017 at 3:21 pm

    I grew up with a narcissistic father, who also had intermittent explosive disorder. The result was emotional and physical abuse. My mom was, and still is, the enabler.

    I have my own family now. I struggle every day with my own issues, internalizing everything so that nothing can be solely about me.

    Sometimes I feel like I don’t exist.

70. 

    Hank on May 25, 2017 at 1:53 pm

    I’m 35, I have narc parents. And I’m still a virgin, because of mw fock up life. I’m just beginning my life.

71. 

    MaryJo on June 13, 2017 at 2:27 pm

    I had figured out two years ago what NPD was. I just didn’t realize HOW deep SHE was. Until at age 57 I found out that my father wasn’t my real father (thank you Ancestry DNA)…. now I now WHY I was always blamed for her misery. She’s hated and resented me since Day One. I walked away a week ago, after cleaning her feces for the THIRD time, and caught her sitting up in bed SMILING at me. (Of course she denied it when I told her). I’m done. Everything you all wrote – yep! Haven’t lived with anyone but my son (who moved out five years ago) in twenty years. Ex husband, ex boyfriends, and even “close friends”…. I picked NPD’s EVERY time. Now I’m just working on ME.