As we head into the crazed Valentine’s Day madness we need to care for our tender hearts! What I am most interested in talking about during this time is how did you learn to love… from family-culture. If all you saw was dysfunction, then it is likely your relationship-culture needs some rewiring and some healing. Love for so many can mean “familyish” energy. And for many, this means volatile, emotionally unsafe, anxiety producing energy. This can lead to commitment phobia.
Commitment-phobic people tend to grow up in volatile, emotionally unsafe families, or in families where the parents are in a loveless, silent relationship. In either case, the tension, unhappiness and dissatisfaction are palpable, and everyone just wants out. In the case of the loud and volatile family, the children become insecure, not knowing what will happen the next day, or what mood the mother or father will be in at any given time. Sometimes this is due to one or both parents having an addiction of some sort, such as alcoholism. The kids are never relaxed and develop a state of being in which they feel they always have to have one foot in and one foot out. Can you imagine a child being completely invested in a mother or father whom they cannot trust? The child is in a constant state of panic. This volatile, unstable home creates a neural-pathway belief system to be commitment phobic. “Why am I going to commit when it’s only been unsafe to commit to people whom I’m supposed to trust and relax with?” On the other hand, children who grew up in a silent, loveless and unexpressive home had no role model for healthy, committed adult attachments either. They have no idea what healthy emotional bonding feels like. For those of you who are commitment phobic and want to get over it, you need to engage in therapy to discover the influences of your family of origin because, clearly, if you had a choice, you probably wouldn’t be doing this. Your awareness and consciousness level aren’t sufficient for you to move beyond this on your own. I invite you to engage in a process of self-analysis and therapy. Journaling and meditation are a good start. Get in touch with what makes you act in ways that clearly hurt other people and yourself.
In my opinion, being in a relationship provides us with an opportunity to learn and to grow the most. I am not saying that when you are single you can’t learn a lot, but when you are in a relationship, there is an opportunity to learn the discipline required to get through general boredom, sexual boredom and immature impulsiveness. It allows a person the space to be vulnerable, open and insecure in front of their partner, which can then cultivate a sense of deep trust. These qualities are tremendously stimulating for the growth of the soul. Our souls look to find opportunities to become more vulnerable, more open, more trusting, less suspicious and less escapist. We are relationship-oriented as humans, and I think that in relationships we tend to grow the most and learn our spiritual lessons more profoundly.
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Courageous Conversations
Now is the time for you to really tackle life in a courageous way! There is no way around the mountain to get to the light of the other side.
Most Wednesdays at 9:30am EST Victoria will go live on her own or at times with a fantastic guest where we courageously tackle sincere, deep and relevant topics like Despair Leads to Repair, Boundaries, Letting Go, Overcoming Guilt and Shame, Surviving Infidelity, Betrayals, Toxic Family-Culture, Difficult Parents, Family Drama Healing, Healthy Divorce, Good Parenting Tips, Death and Dying, Overcoming Depression, Anxiety and whoah… SO MUCH MORE!
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