You cannot have a good relationship with life if your relationship with yourself is off the rails. Developing a “right” relationship with yourself requires disciplined thinking and a willingness to be in a teachable state with life. When living by these principles, a deep “rightness” with self and life develops.
Here is your “toolbox,” with six guiding fundamentals to get in “Right” relationship with yourself and life.
- Watch Your inner Negative Running Commentary!
What are you saying to yourself?
Regularly bring your awareness to your mind’s inner running commentary and watch what you are saying to yourself. We tend to be on autopilot most of the time, and yet our thoughts influence our vibration and state of mind, and because of this, our lack of awareness is like a vortex that is so engulfing that we do not even know its impact. You may indeed be in a situation that is painful, embittering, unfair or angering, and the truth is, you may have very little control over outcomes. However, what you do have control over are your thoughts and your attitude. Starting to take baby steps out of the vortex of negativity by uttering positive statements is a good beginning. Here are some examples:
- “All is well” and “I am safe.” Even just saying, “All is well” repeatedly like a mantra helps neutralize that negative running commentary, and it will reduce anxiety as well.
- “Everything is working out better than I expect.” (This is one of my personal faves; it takes care of any negative expectations!)
Positive statements uttered repetitively in the present tense (Aka Affirmations/Mantras) help to rewire your brain and are a way to keep the busy, negative, repetitive and primitive “monkey brain” that may be in a state of fight or flight, focused on the notion that there are limitless possibilities in any given situation. Instead of the black or white, concretized thinking you are able to focus on the gray, which is more open-minded. Repeat them often, especially when you are challenging yourself or when you are afraid of a situation you are in. In this way, your mind will have something positive to attach to instead of to the negative fear monger within.
- Know that what you focus on expands.
We do not live in a rewards system. If that were the case, all the good people would be wealthy and happy, and all the bad people would be miserable and poor. Look around, this is not the way it is. Instead, people most often bring toward themselves everything they focus on with their repetitive thoughts, and as if the universe were a kind of mirror, they simply bring to themselves what they most often think about. I am not saying that there is no randomness. Of course there is. Freak accidents occur. But at least if you are working on your mind state and what you are focusing on, this takes care of your end of the bargain in life. I believe we are living in a co creative Universe in which our thoughts are incredibly important to determine at least in part what we draw to our selves. This is a supremely powerful bit of knowledge to have. Use it to change your life!
- Give Yourself a Time Limit for Negativity.
You do need to acknowledge the dark feelings, such as fear, hurt and anger, but give yourself a time limit. For example, give yourself a time frame of thirty minutes to one hour to indulge the negativity and deeply acknowledge the darkness. Cry and yell, and then write about it or share it with a trusted person. Name it, to claim, in order to transform it! This will dissipate the intensity of the pain and the negative state of being.
- Learn From the Darkness Within
Your negative patterns have something to teach you. It is tempting to just want to cut them out like a cancer! But I invite you to be willing to lean into the discomfort so that you can learn from it. Stop condemning yourself which bring on shame and damage and start asking yourself key questions like “How is this pattern trying to serve me even though it is doing it in a misaligned way? Sit with it quietly and give the answers time to come. When you embrace the darkness within, you give yourself the courageous opportunity to grow and learn from it. Write it all down in a journal and commit to being compassionate with yourself. No matter what!
- Don’t engage in emotionally reckless behaviour:
- Don’t gossip, cheat, lie or engage in addictive behaviour.
- Don’t take on more that you can handle.
- Stop all emotional dumpster diving now! That includes allowing others to mistreat you and allowing yourself to stay in emotionally abusive situations.
- Know your limitations.
- Be discerning about whom you let into your intimate world.
- Don’t shame others or yourself.
- Increase Your Self Esteem and Find Your Passion.
The building of your self-esteem gets you into “right’ relationship with life. Resentment falls away and your brain is fed good biochemicals which impacts your whole being. When I am asked the question, “How do I build my self-esteem?” My answer is that you must engage in an activity you like and set a small goal. Then consistently go about the business of accomplishing this small goal. Then celebrate your win with passion! Don’t set yourself up for failure by setting a goal that is too big. Bite-size goals are the best way to success, keep you engaged in a project and bolster confidence. This increased confidence opens you up to a passionate relationship with life.
As a bonus, passion Is very attractive to others. When one is living their passion, other people feel it and it is super attractive. It is a like a magnet of good things and people!