I know this is something I have done and have to discipline within myself, in order not to fall into the trap of doing it again and again.  And let’s be clear, it is a trap! And it emanates from the part of your brain that processes fear and survival.

For me, I had just published my 2nd book and was doing great with my own goals. My book was selling well and my practice was fantastic and I was making good head way in my goals of being a speaker, but somehow this feeling kept coming over me saying: “You are not doing enough! You are not where you should be at your age.  You are going to fail if you don’t step it up!” Holy torture chamber batman!

This kind of BS self deprecating wording just kept plaguing my brain. It was depressing me! The only way out was to face the fear and the torture.

I had to look at the darkness square in the eye and ask. “What is it you are trying to do for me?” 

Because, what I know for sure from all the work I have done,  is that even the most negative thought and patterns, once decoded,  are there to try and teach us something positive. Yes! Really!

This part of me that was in essence torturing me and robbing my of my ability to enjoy my ride, my life and my successes was trying but not succeeding, to teach me to be ambitious, fulfill my potential and to reach for the stars. But the effect was sooooo the opposite. This part of me was trying to encourage me, yet it was discouraging me and depressing me!

I did some profound work with my journal, my meditations and in therapy.  I discovered that this was a critical voice within that was like a familiar family-culture task master of old, that  I allowed to come to light once again.

I had to transform this pesky bully into a supportive coaching voice before it did me in.

I had to generate a kind and self compassionate voice within myself that could calm the inner bully bitch! I visualized myself hugging and accepting my inner child.

This acceptance and self love is the main way out of the comparison torture trap.

Also you gotta be  brave enough to withstand the pain and fear of looking deeply at such a negative pattern. This is essential. You got to feel the pain of going to the core of the patterns so you can trouble shoot them and neutralize them. 

Excerpt from my book Find Your “Self-Culture”: Moving from Depression and Anxiety to Monumental Self-Acceptance ( Which is now an Audio book too!)

Visualization to Transform Your Inner Bully into a Supportive Coach
Sit in a calm space and close your eyes. Imagine yourself in a peaceful, natural setting. Call forth the bully in you; for example, you could imagine in detail a schoolyard bully. In your mind’s eye, invite the bully to sit down with you. Be prepared to be open and nonjudgmental as you begin to ask the bully the following key questions and wait patiently for the responses.

1. What are you trying to do for me?
2. What is your positive purpose in my life?
3. What do you seek to accomplish by constantly being in my life?

The more open you are, the more information you will gather, and the more likely you will be able to neutralize and, ultimately, transform your destructive inner bully. If you listen carefully, the bully will tell you that it is trying to make you a better person.[1] It is trying to protect you from failure and disappointment. It is trying to encourage you to be the best you can be. However, as you know, it is failing miserably at this task because of its abusive tone.
Once you have heard the answers to your questions, you can tell the bully that you understand what it is trying to do for you. Tell the bully that its method is not effective. Thank the bully for its efforts, but that a new way is needed now.
It is important that you understand that this is a process of befriending your darker side; that is, integrating it into your whole being so that it knows that you are finally listening carefully to its underlying positive message, and that it will not have to yell as loudly at you to be heard. This type of dialogue is the way to transform the bully within yourself.
Continue to slowly visualize the bully becoming a more positive version of itself—a supportive and encouraging coach. Imagine this inner coach in detail, allowing its gentle, encouraging—yet strong—voice to emerge. Your coach might say to you, “I believe in you,” “You are precious and lovable, and you deserve gentleness as you ease into your transitions,” “Bit by bit you are getting to your goal” and “Consistency is the key to your success. Stick with it. I know you can do it.”

The coach within you will encourage you to try the 80/20 rule: 80% of the time, move in your desired new direction, such as standing up for yourself, being authentic, eating well, spending wisely or exercising, but do it gently, lovingly and kindly! Don’t be too punishing! For the other 20% of the time, you may slip back to your old ways, but all the while you know that you are slowly improving. Tell yourself that every day you are getting better and better. Remember, slow change is permanent change. Be kind to yourself. Remember that your inner child needs gentle dialogue so it can get on board and stop sabotaging the adult who’s trying to make positive life changes.