Transcribed from my video at www.youtube.com/askvictoria.
A viewer wrote in about how he longed to return to his old self. Today he is in a good marriage but for years he was abused. He is unable to move on and asks how to do so. I give some concrete tools to move beyond the traumas of life. Making forgiveness a priority is a key starting point.
Today I’m going to address a topic that’s quite a difficult one. We got an email from a viewer; we’ll call him SS. He writes that he was sexually abused by his brother over a number of years, while an adult and while he was in a vulnerable state. He’s having a horrible time moving past this, even though today he’s in a great marriage—this happens to be a gay individual, so he’s in a great marriage with a man. He’s very contented and happy with this man, but he’s lost his zest for life. He used to be ambitious, an achiever, but he’s lost that. He says, “I want my old self back. Why can’t I get it back? Even though I’ve got a great marriage, why can’t I find myself again?” So the topic today is, How do you begin to thrive even though you’ve suffered trauma and abuse?
(1:11) Once a person suffers trauma and abuse, the reality is, that can become repetitive in their being. Especially if they haven’t resolved it, it becomes a post-traumatic stress syndrome. The trauma is gone, but the reliving of the trauma over and over—it becomes not a good quality of life. SS asks, “How do I get back to my old self? How do I move on?” And many people ask me those very questions. There are some simple things that you can begin to do. Obviously this video is not going to be the be-all and end-all. SS, you have made a step in the right direction: you’ve asked someone for help, and I’m going to give you some concrete steps to take to move beyond and begin to thrive in your life, and not just survive.
(2:05) Firstly, I want to tell you that forgiveness is the key. People ask, “How can I forgive the horrors that someone or something has done to me?” I’m not saying that you forgive in order to condone. I’m not saying that it was OK that you were abused by your brother. What you are saying by forgiving him is you are releasing him. You are no longer giving him your power; you are taking back your power, and you are saying to yourself, “This is a flawed individual. We are all flawed. He happened to be really flawed, and he perpetrated those flaws on me.” You never have to see this person or have a relationship with him again. To forgive is not to recreate relationship if you don’t want to. To forgive is to release, and to understand the events that led the situation to come to you. To forgive is to choose to make choices in your life based on wanting to be alive. To forgive is to make a decision to move on from the things that hold you back. First, forgiving the other person, that is releasing the other person.
(3:10) Secondly, forgiving yourself. So many people blame themselves for finding themselves in problematic situations. You’ve got to talk gently to the child within you, or the younger self, and create a relationship with that part of you. You need to befriend that part. You need to make peace with that part of you, and forgive that part of you, because evidently things needed to be learned. Another piece we add to the forgiveness to move beyond the trauma is asking, “What did I learn from those terrible events? What was taught to me?” I promise you, there is a wisdom to life, and even the most horrible situation that occurs—illness, disease, rape, loss of job—they are here not just to torture us, but to teach us about ourselves, how strong we are, and what it is we need to learn from life. So I would like to encourage you to ask yourself, “What did I learn from that situation?”
(4:30) I also want you to begin to do positive affirmations. I want you to begin to read positive material. There’s an excellent book called The Power of Now, that will begin to generate a nowness of your life. Get out of the past. Get out of the future. Get into the now, the power of now. It’s by Eckhart Tolle. Also another great book: You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, a great basic book to learn some affirmations and really to be inspired to use your mind to move beyond the terrible events of the past. Those are two books I really recommend. Pick ’em up.
(5:15) Create a nurturing relationship with yourself, the child and the younger self within. I spoke about that earlier, but that is crucial: to constantly parent yourself. Be your own parent, SS. Visualize daily treating yourself as the parent that you wanted to have parent you, and possibly didn’t have. Treat yourself in that kind, generous and loving way. This is going to help you thrive in your life and move past the traumas from the past.
(5:55) Also, visualize often protector energy: a protector animal, a protector entity, a protector guide. Often in your dealings with life, visualize and make connections with that part of you. Visualization works. Our brain does not distinguish between what is real and what is perceived. Whatever you suggest to it, the body will respond to that. Visualize protection energy around you.
(6:25) Try those things. Ask what you learnt from the situation. Forgiveness—make that a priority. Visualize a protector energy. Create a nurturing relationship with your child or your younger self. Positive affirmations, read some good books. And again, compartmentalize, SS. You have a good life. Don’t let one drop of ink colour the entire, clear glass of water that is your life today. Keep in touch with me; I’m thinking about you; viewers, think about SS in a positive way because he’ll feel it. I wish you only good vibrations and good things.
Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy
