Question

Hi Ms. Lorient-Faibish

I’m trying to overcome a fear I have with confrontation.  When someone does or says something offensive to me, I have trouble voicing my feels to the person, because I usually fear the outcome. I worry about hurting the other person’s feelings, if the person is close to me, or I worry about my anger escalating to an uncontrollable level, if the person is not.  This is something that I really need to change because I always end up holding on to negative feelings, and then release them all at once, when it becomes too much for me to keep inside.  How can I change this?

Sincerely,
Anita

Dear Anita,

When I hear such reactions to the notion of being in conflict or engaging in confrontation I am hearing fear of abandonment.  Fear that if you don’t behave like the perfect person all the time you will be alone. Anita, we can’t always please everyone all the time. The crux of the matter here is you have a right as a human being to disagree, to not want what is being offered to you and to say no! Understanding that piece is so important for you to develop into your adulthood.  Life will throw you plenty of things that you need to say no to. If you integrate the notion that you have a right to say no, you will feel less of a need to be aggressive when you let others know how you are feeling or conversely hide what you feel altogether.  The uncontrollable anger you speak of is because you have denied yourself the right and the ability to speak up for yourself when needed for too long!  This will create a despair within that can explode and ultimately lead to depression. Anger turned inward becomes depression.

When expressing a differing opinion than others please know that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. You must have been taught that you are. Know that you are only responsible for the way you speak to others……that is what you have control over. Once you empower your right to disagree you will feel a calm within that will be the fuel behind a compassionate, kind and gentle delivery style to your communication no matter what.  I recommend that you look into some Mindfulness Based Meditation classes as this will assist you with the anger and the feelings that overwhelm you. Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger is a great read and will assist as well.

Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy