Hi Victoria,
I recently reunited with my half brothers and sisters. I haven’t seen them in over 10 years. I was really happy to see them because we were really close growing up, but were separated when my father moved out of the country. I haven’t spoken to him for almost 7 years, and seeing my family, made me feel like it’s time for me to forgive him for not being there for me as a child. I just don’t know how to approach him. The last time I spoke to him, I told him I didn’t need him in my life, it’s not like he was there anyway, and we haven’t spoken since then. What should I say to him?
Signed: T
Dear T,
Firstly I want to acknowledge how difficult a time you must have had when you lost contact with your brothers and sisters and dad. I am so happy that you are now reunited with your siblings at least. What a joy to have this once again! When parents separate, no matter the reason the kids are always the ones to suffer the most and there is a no way to deny this one bit. I am so sorry that your father did not persist when you told him to back off. You were a kid that was hurting. He should have tried numerous times to get through to you. Your parents should have made this possible. You have a right to be angry. However the truth is that anger left unchecked hurts you more than anyone and so I applaud your desire to want to forgive him.
To me true forgiveness is not about condoning or denying what happened. It is about moving on and stepping into your adulthood. It is about taking back your power and no longer feeling the victim. You need to approach it that way. You need to resolve any expectations that you may have that are coming from your hurt and deprived child part within you. You need to make peace with that and then come to your dad from the adult perspective in which your expectations are lower, less intimate but still open to connection and to moving on from the past.
Your approach with him could be friendly but slow to unfold. Step by step revealing a little of yourself at a time all the while checking for his responses. Do not set yourself up for a big fall. Take care of yourself emotionally. But have the intention to regain this vital lost connection with your father. Then later you could have a talk with him letting him know the effect it had on you when he left. Not in a blaming way but in a forgiving way whilst letting him know your truth.
Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy
