Transcribed from my video at www.youtube.com/askvictoria.
Sarah has written in about her intercultural marriage and the immense meddling of her in laws. The couple has not established good boundaries and have left themselves very open to having their life choices being overrun by his parents who are of a different culture than Sarah. Mainly, the culture difference isn’t the real problem, the lack of firm boundaries on the couple’s part is the true issue to be dealt with.
Today’s topic is again a viewer email, and this one is called: “Intercultural Marriage… Help!” Here’s your email, Sarah, I got it, and it’s long! And it sounds like you’ve got a lot of stuff going on. First, you ask me whether this relationship is healthy, and I think you know the answer already: no, it’s not. The fact that it’s intercultural is very important, but it’s not the only answer why things are going wrong here. I would say there’s a grave, deep violation of boundaries between your in-laws and you, the couple.
(0:56) Sarah writes us that she’s in an intercultural marriage, and they were living with in-laws who have an amazing impact on this relationship. Essentially, they have brought some rather 18th-century traditions to a modern, Western world marriage. It’s unfortunate because there are some illegalities going on. Number one, you say that your mother-in-law says that if you speak louder than your husband, he has the right to hit you. I want to say right now, by the laws in this land of Canada, and I know in the United States as well, no one has the right to hit you, a woman. That’s called assault, and you can call the police if that happens. By all means, utilize the services in your area, because that’s not acceptable. Plus you say that your father-in-law is very volatile. The problem really isn’t your in-laws; the problem is you and your husband getting clear what is acceptable to you as a couple, and what is acceptable to you as a woman, as a human being, male or female! This is something a lot of people forget or let go by the wayside in favour of love or marriage. You and your husband really need to separate yourselves from the meddling in-laws, I have to say. Have a relationship with them, but what is healthy is probably once every couple weeks, once a month you guys visit, but daily intruding on your quality of life, on your relationship, having unasked-for opinions about your life and your relationship is unacceptable! You’re adults, and I sense, Sarah, that you’ve tried to please your family and please your husband prior to getting married, but what you’ve done is you’ve landed yourself in a situation where they think it’s acceptable to impose upon on you, an adult, what is right and wrong. And really, you have a right to decide what is right and what is wrong without someone else making any opinion about that.
(3:20) It sounds like you’ve also not clearly established your sense of power, entitlement and who you are as a woman in this relationship. Frankly, it’s not even about a man or woman thing; it’s about a human being having a right, as an adult, to determine what she or he would like to do in their lives. You and your husband need to have a conversation, and many conversations, possibly some therapy (I hope you get some therapy), where you establish what is OK for you, and what is not OK for you. I sense that you are afraid of your husband and how he’s going to feel about your speaking about his parents. Listen, the primary priority in a relationship ought to be each other. Everything else is secondary. The husband and the wife are first. After that come the kids. After that come the parents. After that come the jobs, etc.—possibly not in exactly that order. No matter how you slice it and dice it, you and your husband are first, and everyone else who is meddling needs to step aside. Your husband needs to know that if that does not occur, what I am recommending to you, is you need to decide (again, deal breakers) whether or not this is how you want to live. And whether or not you are compromising not even your independence, but your very self, when you have this constant, meddling, interfering boundary violations by people other than the two in this marriage.
(4:58) Also, you claim to walking around on eggshells. Anybody who is walking around on eggshells regarding anybody, you need to know that that is a flawed relationship that needs to be dealt with. If you are walking on eggshells, you are clearly afraid of reactions coming to you, therefore you are buying a lot of trouble because you’re not saying, “Hey! I don’t want to walk around on eggshells. I don’t want to live my life constantly afraid.” And it sounds like you are, Sarah. And you are really cheating yourself of a quality of life, in my opinion.
(5:35) Also, it’s really tragic to me that you feel you need to keep secret your personal relationship with your mother and father. You have a right to this! Wake up! Wake up to the fact that you have a right to your relationship with your parents without hiding that. You are not the in-laws’ daughter; you are your parents’ daughter, and will always be. Whatever the culture says, you’ve in North America now, from what I understand, and you are living this life. You’re not living in 18th century somewhere else, you’re living here. And here, we have rights. You’re entitled to your independence, you’re entitled to speak your mind, you’re entitled to do what you need to do for yourself and you’re entitled to have you and your husband be priority number one. Everyone else needs to take second, third, fourth place. Keep me posted, Sarah. I hope that was helpful. Have a wonderful day, and good luck.
Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy
