Transcribed from my video at www.youtube.com/askvictoria
Every year people wind up totally disappointed with themselves because they were not able to maintain the promises that they made at New Years. Generally that relapse is happening due the rigid, almost military like way you are doing this. Be kinder about this so that your inner child is not rebelling so hard. The 80/20 rule is a good one too in that 80 percent of the time you are engaging in the new behaviours and 20 percent of the time you are relaxing and giving yourself a break. That way your system will not be so in deprivation mode and you are more likely to succeed.
Tags: resolutions relapsing success habits addictions self sabotage 2009 new year of the ox
This year is a year for hope and solidness. It is true that we do not have control over much. But what we do have control over is our thoughts, our feelings and our perspectives. Grounding and solidness need to be the coping tools of this year. Because amidst the craziness you can find your solid ground and your calm perspective.
Today I want to talk about why we relapse when we’ve made a beautiful resolution for the new year. Why aren’t we able to follow through and keep these resolutions for the year. Why do we relapse? It’s incredibly common because what happens is that people are being too rigid. People say, “I’m not going to eat anything junky. I’m not going to spend any money. I’m going to think perfect thoughts.” It’s a militaristic, rigid way of going about a decision on a new way of life. Usually what occurs is the inner child says, “Um, excuse me! You’re not being very nice to me. You’re not being very kind to me.” There’s no self-care involved. Even though the resolutions are self-care oriented, the way you are going about them is in a disciplinarian, militaristic, punishing way, and the system says, “You’re not gentle enough. You’re not kind enough.” The inner child is saying, “I don’t like what I feel. I feel abandoned. I feel lost. I feel like you’re punishing me. Even though all these things are good, I don’t feel like you’re hearing me.” The kid within you starts to scream for attention, and usually when a child is screaming for attention, what they’re screaming for is to be comforted. If you have a habit pattern of comforting yourself with food, shopping, spending, poor thoughts, bad behaviours, because that is the way you feel comforted or alive on some level, this is what’s going to show up, and your entire resolution is going to go down the toilet.
(1:55) What I recommend is that you take the 80/20 rule. 80% of the time, you are gently, lovingly moving in the new direction of eating well, not overspending, not doing ridiculous things. Start to do it gently. Talk to yourself nicely. Don’t be so rigid or militaristic, because your entire system is going to rebel. 80/20 rule. Be kind. Take time to be kind to the inner child who’s saying, “I know a big change is happening and I’m scared.” You need to say, “OK, new change is happening, don’t panic. I’m still going to listen to you. I’m still going to be here for you.” Talk to the inner kid as if it’s a real child in the room, and children don’t take well to any kind of change without explanation. Your inner kid needs some kind of dialogue and communion with, so the kid can be on board with the adult who’s trying to make good life changes. Don’t be too rigid. Take the 80/20 rule into consideration, so 20% of the time you can have some fun, relapse, do some things that aren’t exactly perfect, but are not going to completely sabotage the other 80% of the time, so it’s more of a balanced situation. Happy 2009! I look forward to everyone staying on track in a very balanced, loving way.
Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy
