Transcribed from my video at www.youtube.com/askvictoria.

Viewer Question about dealing with Jealousy in her happy and loving relationship. Unwarranted jealousy in a good relationship can quickly destroy it. One needs to look within for the answers to this difficult and self sabotaging pattern.

Today we are answering a viewer question about unwarranted jealousy in love relationships. How do deal with that monkey on your back! We’ll refer to the viewer as RS, who tells us about a turmoil-filled childhood, a lot of attacks to her self-esteem, a lot of feeling unsafe and insecure. Now she’s in a happy, positive, loving relationship with her boyfriend, but she feels herself feeling very illogical jealousy whenever female friends of her boyfriend come around. And she wants to know how to deal with this.

(0:50) The first thing I want to tell you, RS, is that jealousy is often not logical. It comes from a deep place of insecurity within yourself, so you need to handle that head-on. You need to look at where it is that you experience a deficiency within yourself. By the way, it might not be a real deficiency, but it’s a perceived deficiency within yourself. I want you to journal often, so you get to know what it is that makes you tick, and what it is that makes you feel this way, even though it’s not warranted. Also, you need to look and see what is the benefit of this jealousy? People say, “I don’t feel any benefit to these negative behaviours of mine,” but perhaps the jealousy makes you feel on some subconscious level like you’re taking care of yourself, protecting yourself from some kind of harm that is perceived. If that is the case, let us not throw the baby out with the bathwater. I’m going to give you a way to handle this “negative” pattern, because there’s a benefit to it. If self-protection is what you need, and your boyfriend is a good guy, and no protection from this person is actually needed, you need to ask, “How can I protect myself? How can I take care of me? What do I need to do? What have I neglected in my self-care? What have I neglected in my self-care? Have I not gone to the gym enough? Have I not taken my vitamins? Have I not taken time for myself? Am I running ragged? Am I completely disregarding my needs and who I am? Am I not complementing myself? Am I not saying good affirmations to myself? Am I constantly criticizing myself?” These are all very important factors that through journaling and talking to a therapist, you can start to find out what the underlying causes of this pattern are.

(2:48) I want you to ground yourself, RS, every time you go to meet your boyfriend. Grounding is very important. Usually these kinds of unconscious, unwarranted behaviours will show up when we are not grounded within ourselves. You know you are grounded within yourself when you feel a sense of self-trust, self-worth and self-esteem. So ground yourself. Be centred within yourself. I don’t recommend that you share this with your boyfriend; usually that would be a sabotaging event, especially if he’s done nothing to warrant this. So don’t share it with him. Deal with it privately on your own. Don’t commit to more commitment-oriented stuff with your boyfriend until you’ve handled your own insecurities. You can still have a wonderful dating relationship with this man, but before you get in deeper, deal with your own insecurities.

(3:43) Don’t allow yourself to give in to these instincts, which obviously are not logical. Allow yourself to self-analyze at this point, and remember, when you’re feeling good about yourself, when you’re taking care of you, chances are, you’re not going to want from someone else what you’re giving yourself. Take yourself out on a date. Personalize self-care often. OK? Have yourself a wonderful day RS, and let me know how you’re doing. Take care.

Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy