Transcribed from my video at www.youtube.com/askvictoria.
The holidays can be so contentious for so many. Watch this video to get some good tips and to be able to get through your holiday season as peacefully as possible.
Hang in there!!!
Today’s topic is definitely an important, needed one. Holiday Survival Guide: how to get through the holidays with your family, dealing with contentious topics and issues, how not to leave, storming out in resentment, wishing you could amputate your family. It’s something I deal with often in my office. I’m going to give you three or four clear things to remember, so that it’s extremely simple, because I find that people are triggered by this time. Here in Canada, we’ve finished our Thanksgiving; in the States, you’re probably right now hanging around your family for Thanksgiving. Of course, there’s Christmas and Chanukah and all the other holidays showing up in the very near future.
(0:55) The first thing I want you to think about: get into your adult voice before you walk into your family home. That means you’re not in your child rebelliousness, or hurt, or unreasonable expectations of what things should be, or harbouring resentments from the past—you’re clear and clean from that. You’re an adult, you have an intention that you want to have peacefulness in your holiday season, and you want to create an absolute good rapport there. The best way to do that is to stay in your adult voice. Even if you don’t have your life together, so to speak, be in the adult voice, which is present-day oriented, non-judgmental, not having unreasonable expectations about how things in the family should look for the holiday. Drop that right down. Just accept what you see as it come to you. Be in the moment with the thing. If a family dynamic is in front of you, simply look at it for what it is. Try not to be all reactive about it. Not, “Why did you say that?” and, “Why are you saying this?” It’s all about being in your adult, being very centred. I want you to centre yourself before you walk in that door. Adult voice, not the child voice.
(2:30) Also, don’t bite the bait. Don’t engage. Once people get a little more relaxed, once the initial “Oh, how’ve you been?” is over and everyone’s familiar again, maybe some drinking happens, the fishing rods of bait start to go out. As an adult, you can be in the moment, deciding, “Am I going to bite that bait?” Furthermore, I need to notice there’s bait coming at me. “Ah, there’s some bait.” Really be aware of this. And don’t bite. Don’t engage. Stay out of the conflict realm. Just allow things to unfold in front of you, but don’t engage in contentious, reactive situations. Don’t bite the bait! Don’t engage! Stay in your adult, stay centred.
(3:19) What we have so far is: get into adult mode; drop your expectations and your unrealistic preconceived notions of what should be going on; and don’t bite the bait. Don’t engage. If you can do all of these things—they’re simple concepts—you will come through the holidays pretty well unscathed. I’m a big fan of people staying together. Don’t amputate family members. It’s not a good tactic. People regret that. I work in the office with a lot of people who have amputated family members, and let me tell you, people are not happy that they’ve done it. They feel a lot of hurt, rancour and resentment. It’s a last-case scenario, to amputate. If there’s abuse, major addiction, OK, then you have to take your leave. But short of that, stay in there. Your family has beautiful things to teach you. Even if they’re not that pleasant, your family has things to teach you. Let me know how your holidays go! Your Christmas, your Chanukah, your Quanza, your whatever, and good luck. Stay cool, stay in your adult, don’t bite the bait, lower your expectations, and you should be fine. Let me know how you do!
Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy
