Commitment phobia is a very painful experience both for the one who engages in the pattern and for those who are involved with that person. Usually the art of pushing and pulling and seduction are the domain of the commitment “phobe.” The answer dwells deeply in the family of origin survival patterns.
Commitment phobia is something I see in my office often and happens to both women and men. The key piece is fear. Fear of intimacy and deep emotional connection. People who are commitment phobic feel they need to cut off their feelings after a certain point of knowing someone as a means of feeling in control and feeling emotionally protected. This is often not conscious and going on at the deepest level of the sub consciousness.
You can spot a commitment-phobe a mile away only if you know what you are looking for. But if not, it is not at all obvious because one can be deeply taken in by the art of seduction that is prevalent at the hands of a commitment phobic person. They are deeply involved in the thrill of the hunt as a key part of the experience. Once they “get” the person, it becomes less interesting for them. They begin the process of keeping score. They are consumed with picking out the negative traits in the other person in a meticulous fashion. I am not saying people should ignore negative traits or stay in relationships they’re not happy with, but with the commitment-phobic person, this endeavour of seeking out negative traits in the other person is particularly acute and almost an obsessive process.
Basically, they are looking for perfection; which is what they erroneously feel would make them happy, in control and ultimately emotionally safe. When they find someone that they feel would measure up the push/pull journeys begin. They are there and then they are not. You know what I am talking about: The person is fully present and ensconced in compliments and sweet nothings, and then they don’t call for four days. You know- the disappearing act! When the commitment-phobic person is there, they are thinking at the back of their mind about their backdoor way out at all times.
A very unhappy commitment phobic client said to me once about his latest conquest: “I’m not here for a long time, but I’m here for a good time, so I’m going to be very seductive and very romantic with her. But, as soon as I get a whiff that she is starting to relax with me, be more human and real with me, I’m outta here!” We find out through the therapeutic process that this person has done this repeatedly and he suffers from loneliness yet he cannot move away from this pattern. He comes from a divorced family that had immense instability throughout the childhood. So he is constantly working to mitigate future pain. Staying in the moment and just enjoying the new love is out of the question when the pattern is active. He needs to feel one step ahead in his relationships always. He is deeply consumed with not being “trapped” by a woman who depends on him in any way. He perceives any form of intimacy as a trap,
Another sad case that I became aware of, was a woman that dated and even became engaged to a covert commitment phobe. He promised her a rose garden for years and one month prior to the fully planned and rsvp’d wedding, he bailed. The only reason they did not get to the actual wedding day (only to have him leave her standing alone at the alter) is because she finally woke up and started to piece together the commitment phobic symptomlogy he had been displaying. She decided to question him very deeply which did force him to admit he was not going to go through with the wedding. He had been seducing her and stringing her along, in a bid not to “hurt” her. Instead he felt that lying was a better option which included the act of a last minute wedding day bail out!
Look out for people you are dating that are constantly looking at other people while on a date with you. Also be mindful that the commitment-phobic person is a born sales person in that they can spin a web and tell a story that is unparalleled. What is actually happening is that they are usually covering their lies with the stories.
The truth is, when I work with a commitment-phobic person I realize that they themselves are not at all in touch with their inner truths. I ask the question, “So why do you think you’re doing this?” And the answer invariably is, “I don’t know. I’m not sure.” They are very cut off from their own emotions as it is very scary for them. True, real grit, deep authentic truth and reality is tough for many people but for the person who is commitment-phobic, it is nearly impossible to have them face this type of emotional delving and truth.
This article is a cautionary tale alerting people to not to get involved with someone they suspect is commitment phobic because if a long term commitment is what you are after, this kind of person is sure to get you hurt! It is not going to be a pretty situation, unless you yourself are a commitment-phobic person. We know that like attracts like, so that may also be a likely scenario. It actually may be a good match temporarily since both parties are not interested in longevity. However denial is not just a river in Egypt! I have seen two commitment phobic people get married In Vegas within one week of knowing each other because they got caught up in the romance of it all. The intensity of the connection made them slip into a denial state that seduced them into a marriage decision. Of course it did not last and lots of pain ensued! But I also see the scenario of the commitment phobe in a relationship with the highly clingy person. It’s a match made in hell seduced by romance and destroyed by codependency and low self worth on both sides.
A lot of commitment-phobic people tend to grow up in volatile addiction families or in families that the parents are in a loveless and silent relationship. In either scenario there is a palpable feeling of tension, unhappiness and dissatisfaction that everyone just wants out of. In the case of the loud and volatile family there is a lot of insecurity about what will be happening the next day or what the mood of the mother or father will be in at any given time. These people were brought up to constantly have one foot in and one foot out. Can you imagine a child being completely invested in a mother or father whom they cannot trust? The child feels in a constant state of emotional panic. This volatile, unstable home creates a neural pathway belief system to be commitment-phobic. “Why am I going to commit when it’s only been unsafe to commit to people that I am supposed to trust and relax with?” For those who grew up in a silent, loveless and inexpressive home the child has no role model for healthy committed adult attachments. They have no idea what it feels like have healthy emotional bonding.
For those of you who are commitment phobic and want to get over this, you need to engage in deep therapy, to look at your family-of-origin stuff, because clearly if you had a choice, you probably wouldn’t be doing this. I’ve worked with many whose answer to the question, “Why do you do this?” is a big “I don’t know.” The consciousness level isn’t there. You’ve got to get conscious and commit to getting in touch with what’s making you act in ways that clearly hurt other people and yourself.
My opinion is that being in a relationship provides us with a forum to learn and to grow the most. I am not saying that when one is single one does not learn a lot, but when in a relationship you learn the discipline qualities of getting through emotional boredom, sexual boredom, immature impulsiveness, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open and insecure in front of your partner and cultivating a sense of deep trust. These are qualities that are tremendously growth stimulating for a soul. Our souls look to find opportunities to become more vulnerable, more open, more trusting, less suspicious, less escapist. We are, as souls, relationship-oriented, and I think that in relationships we tend to grow the most and to work our spiritual lessons most profoundly.
Quick tips for the commitment-phobic person:
- Engage in the present moment: Be right here, right now with the person in front of you. See what is good and right in the relationship now! (Especially those of you who are in child-bearing years, who want to start to build a life with somebody.)
- Know and accept that nothing and no one is perfect!
- Become aware of how your parents did it and find ways to do the opposite.
- Practice meditation regularly as a way to calm anxiety. The instinct to run and escape from intimacy often is a way to calm anxiety. So use another way to calm that feeling state that is sabotaging your relationships.
- Read the book: He’s Scared, She’ Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
- Practice meditation regularly as a way to calm anxiety. The instinct to run and escape from intimacy often is a way to calm anxiety. So use another way to calm that feeling state that is sabotaging your relationships.
Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy
interesting post, was nice to read thanks
Excellent article. And useful.
Great article. Thank you. It’s so much truth in it. But as a commitment phobic, it’s not easy to get out of it.
I use to talk to an online coach now. Once in a while I call the coach just to describe how i acted in circumstances with my date. A professional can give you the right hints then. So perhaps you others like me should try it with professional help like coaches! (can recommend Your24hCoach)
It’s devestating to experience a relationship with this type of man. I didn’t know they existed until I spent over a year trying to deal with one. I should have left in the first month….
how do i tell some that have they this phobia please . as i might well be the only person that has pick this in her life . she was subject to child abuse alcoholic father . nothing sexual that i know of . help me please
I have been reading up on this condition and I have realised I have it. I am much happier now I know what is wrong with me and I am not alone. I have been putting one of my best friends through hell for the last 3 years because he is inlove with me and I don’t know how I feel. I haven’t a clue what to do, any advice?
A good read. I have been thinking about this topic,so thanks for sharing. I will be subscribing to your blog. Keep up great writing. I like the tips. Commitment phobia is a very painful experience. I totally agree.
i stumbled on d words ‘commitment phobia’ on a radio program, and since then i av been reading voraciously to know more about them nd there causes. Your article has been very informative nd helpful but i fear i might not be able to help my girl friend out of dis situation alone. I have know her for 4yr nw, initially she was very happy nd wud share everytin wit me, but afta a while everytin turns apart. She even told me she was frustrating me dat i am stuborn since then i av been in hell. She wud always tell me dat it wont work, that their z no us. I need help i really love her wat do i do?
it is much more of the women that can’t commit to just only one man anymore.
Interesting to read -it’s amazing that although individuals differ, reading this describes my ex girlfriends behaviour so well. The art of seduction was certainly something she practiced and also responded too. This made the relationship exciting, romantic, and dangerous. She did a complete 180 almost overnight and shut down the feelings that she’d opened up to. once she did that, there was no going back – and it was the most painful experience ive ever had. Key thing to getting over this is to realise that you aren’t to blame for someone elses hangups – and more importantly, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. Give them space? Play hard to get? All short terms tactics that might get you back in their life (or bed) but as soon as you get ‘comfortable’ – the fears will creep back in and they’ll find a way to end it – which may even involve direct character attacks on you – to absolve the blame from something they dont understand about themselves. Beware – because you’ll believe them, after all – you love them. But find your own truth, within you – and know that you acted with honesty, and love which is nothing to be sorry about.
I think that your comments on the commitment phobic wanting perfection is true. It can be very difficult when you are starting out to know what you are actually looking for but I still believe that when you do find the right person you will know.
See myself in here. Sad. In relationship for 3 years. Had this issue with previous girlfriends. Looking for perfection even knowing there is no perfection in anything. I am far from perfect actually. Pick up the book in Barnes and Noble “Man who can’t love”.
Good thing find finally what is the problem. Described above is not 100% my case, but good 75%.
I also have the same problem I can’t commit to a relationship n I don’t want to, the reason why I would say its fear of relying, n fear of being controled by a man, I hate it wen a man wants me to promise him foever I fell like he is trying to trap me. My current boyfriend love to make me promise things to him, I must promise that I love him n that I will never leave him I told him I feel like he is emotional blackmailing me n I hate it. Commitmentphobia its not something that 1 chooses it happens n it hurts u as much as u know u hurting the other person ur concious is always eating u up, but because u don’t care u hurt them anyway instead of having them hurting u.
I have been in this relation for almost 5 years. It is emotionally tiring. Last month he admitted that he commitment phobic. He feel trapped and dont want to be in the relation anymore. I should have picked up the signs at the very first month when we met, but the truth is, i was so blind because i fell in love with him. I desperately wanted to have companion and he came along. Looking back again is all make sense now. I still feel bad about all the dramas and feel traumatic to start again
This article really hits home. I like your suggestion to use meditation. This is an issue that needs compassion. I recently read an interesting article on this from Psych Alive. http://www.psychalive.org/2011/11/fear-of-intimacy/
This article describes me so well it’s scary. I have never been in an actual ‘relationship’ with someone else even once. I always pull away before it ever comes to that. If someone confesses their feelings for me, then it’s game won and game over both at the same time. The thought of getting into a relationship with someone and relying on them and being obligated to be loyal and honest with them overwhelms me, so I make do with the thrill of the chase. I know I’ve hurt so many people, but I just can’t help it. Commitment phobia is more serious than people chalk it up to be, and it’s not that simple. I’m thinking of buying the recommended books and maybe finding a therapist.
I am married, and now separated from a commitment phobe. We were together a total of 6 years, married for 3. The heartbreaking truth is facing the fact that these relationships are built on lies because the commitment phobe doesn’t want to “hurt your feelings.” But they distance themselves, sabotage moments that should be memorable and special and cause the self esteem of their partners to erode by their elusive behavior. Which actually hurts more than if they had just left in the first place. The spouse/partner of a commitment phobe is constantly wondering “why am I not good enough to enjoy a healthy relationship with you?” The most unfair thing that these people do is blame their partners for every problem in the relationship to deflect the attention away from the real problem- them. They are crafty at conjuring up reasons to not fully commit. “If you would only… we could be much happier.” My husband would tell me if I would cook and clean more. Once I did that the complaint was that nag too much. Then I help him with his son enough. Then he increased his working hours and often made sure he was working on important holidays. When he was off work, he would hang out with his friends until 2 in the morning. These are all methods that commitment phobes use to keep their partners at arms length. Now that we are separated I can see very clearly what he was doing. The sad part is that he didn’t really start (or maybe I didn’t see it) until after we got married. Living with these people can be EXTREMELY painful. And yes, I can now recognize some of the signs that he displayed early in the relationship. It was very intense in the beginning. He told me he loved me with the first couple of weeks and was talking marriage soon after. We had a break-up to make-up relationship and marriage was probably the worst decision we could have ever made. He even fooled our pre-marital therapist into believing his act. We now have a child which is the best thing that came out of our relationship. Not just because I love her with all my heart but because as I evaluated our relationship, I knew that I did not want her to ever believe that our marriage was something she should ever mimic. To be honest, she is the only proof, other than our wedding pictures, that our relationship ever existed. Now I am picking up the pieces and working on myself to discover why I allowed myself to stay in a relationship like this.
That was really interesting. I must say you are doing a great job..
Some husbands really need to be careful of other woman outside their marriage,this was a true life story that happened to me to my own notice my sister took my husband from me the husband whom i have love so much and promise me that no woman will take him from me but all of a sudden things turned apart if not for my friend hear in USA that told me i needed a spell caster that can cast a spell to separate them maybe by now he must have went for a divorce which could have made me commit suicide because i loved him so much likewise like him also but how things turn around was a thing that surprised me.
I vowed that any thing it could cost me i must separate him and my elder sister i then collected the contact of this spell caster from my friend Mary she told me his name is spiritual Priest Ajigar and his email is priestajigarspells@live.com i contacted him and narrated the whole story to him he consulted and found out that my sister visited a spell caster that casted a spell that made him love her i then ask him what to do he told me that this spell needed to be broken so that my husband can leave her alone and come back to me the spell was broken and within three days he began to hate her that he even beat her up before he said to her that it is over between him and her right now my husband is with me again and care for me like he have never done before i thank my friend Mary but i own all thanks to priest Ajigar for bringing back my husband and i their for advice that if you notice any strange behavior in your marriage or your boy friend or girlfriend is cheating you contact Priest Ajigar to know the root of it he will surely help you out and give an everlasting solution to it.
I am a commitment-phobe that recent realize that as much as I know I had a problem, I could not fix it on my own. The person that I care for walked out because he thought I wasn’t invested. Which he was completely accurate. I cared but not enough to show him my real self and being open to being vulnerable. I recent have been seeing a therapist, and come across the underline issues. It’s something that I will have to keep working on. I highly suggest that you do seek professional help. Don’t think you can fix this on your own please! You can’t. I have wasted majority of my life as well as all my dating life on thinking it was a quick fix and I had control over it. For those who love a commitment-phobe I just wanted to say I’m am truly sorry. I know you probably don’t deserve this but I really hope you find it in your heart to understand that it really isn’t what we want to do, we just don’t believe we deserve love and can’t see the love even if it’s staring at us in the face. good luck all.
I didn’t agree with everything in the article. I am really moved to read what everyone’s comments are and I have read a bit of Men Who Can’t Love. All of this helps me to see a pattern that I have experienced in men, to understand that it is not something that can be overridden by “playing hard to get” or “trying harder to be who he wants”. However the missing bit for me in anything I have read so far is my experience over 20years: continuously dating men like this: all short relationships. My self esteem is affected. I am assuming now that I must be a committmentphobe too, except that I act it out by choosing men who won’t commit, rather than pull away myself.
I recognise the pattern of looking for faults and being scared of them, and saying to myself or him, that I don’t think he is right. Then when I let go, when I surcome he ends it. A few of my boyfriends have admitted that they are scared which helped.
I have pushed and pulled men, but I do not fear intimacy (i have always known I don’t fear intimacy so it took me years to understand that I must be fearing something else) I do fear being trapped with the wrong person, however I cannot tell if that is normal cos none of my relationships have turned out well: because i choose CP, then I am used to being dumped after a few weeks or months.
I have tried lots of things to change the pattern, nothing has worked in the long term. I have had counselling, psychotherapy etc. I am at a loss as to what to do to have a loving relationship that lasts past the initial stage. In venus and mars dating book, he says that there is a stage in dating that both partners start to question whether it is the right relationship for them: it is like I lose the guy at that stage. (I have only ended a few relationships myself).
Wishing everyone the best….
Wow what a well written article, completely hit the nail on the head!
Unfortunately you completely described me, I’m 28 years old, watching my friends get married and have babies and I want that so badly! I want the end picture but I won’t put myself on the journey to get there!
I’ve always denied having commitment phobia but tonight, sat here, I’ve admitted it to myself for the first time!
Although it was some home truths and made my eyes fill, I now know what’s wrong with me.. So I’m going to buy books, seek help and get over this phobia I have!
What you said about the family situations as a child is very true, I’ve never experienced stability, my mum could argue with a brick wall and my dad always Moans about every thing, never happy! He Brings people down… I refuse to be anything like them- which I’m not- BUT subconsciously that’s why I’m avoiding relationships- to avoid being them! I see that now!
Thank you for opening my eyes!
Being recently involved with a man with commitment phobia has been a very confusing, painful and frustrating experience. Thank you for your pointed summary – reading and educating have helped me to see that I did nothing wrong and that I was yet again a victim of a man who cannot commit. For others reading this know that I allowed this man to seduce me, win my heart and reject me 3 times in less than a year – he certainly is the sales-man and sadly I allowed him back in each time with a empty promise that he would not do it again. Remember they cannot commit to being with you and often being apart from you!! The push and pull of your heart strings is debilitating, the empty promises painful to swallow. This is a man who has many tales of woe, a string of broken relationships and marriages/divorces – never his fault! All red-flags I should have paid attention to. A funny, kind, loving man who is easy to fall in love with – so a deadly combination! He pushed me to agree to find a house with him for us to live in and as soon as I agreed we found the house and needed to sign the paperwork boom he is running scared – cheating on me with an ex- girlfriend, acting cold and pushing me away! He thinks he wants a normal, loving relationship but he just cannot commit! He told me about his ex who he said he was with for 18 months – she in answer to his pleading left her husband and moved in to her own house in the January with an expectation that he would join her – her availability made him panic and feel trapped and he dumped her and ran in the February! When he and I first got back together – for round 2 – he had made me feel the initial split was his confusion and it was all about her his ex- but I mark his words now as things become clear when he said ” the relationship with her is a no-go as she does not trust that I will not do it to her again” he would not explain this to me at the time and I was so happy to be back with him – he telling me I am the one I ignored this screaming red flag- I now know what he was referring to! So I am shutting up shop and deleting him from my world so that I can move on and heal! I was a fool to forgive him and allow him back and I caution everyone to read the books and research the behavioirs as this sickness/condition can ruin you! The more you care, the more you love the more you are in danger or being rejected! Don’t play games and think acting cold will work everything with his man is temporary and that will never change -mine is in his early 50s and a very sociable man with over 1500 Facebook friends but not anyone he calls a close or best friend …. Another red flag – he also lives In a tiny, one bedroom rented flat and has a young son who stays 3 times a week – the son sleeps in his bed! A good excuse to keep a girlfriend at bay. His flat is not lived in and resembles a hotel room lacking in personal affects and soul – all red flags – he hasn’t even hung pictures! So don’t think you can change this type of person and remember it is not you, it is them – it is a truly heart breaking experience but it is a real problem and there is nothing you can do so just get out and don’t look back! I am now working on why I chose these types of unhealthy relationship And give too much!! Time to heal – I have served my sentence and will no longer be “Doing Time” !!
Wow, what an amazing, scary journey life can be! I have been struggling the last year and half trying to figure out why I keep repeating the same destructive patterns with my current relationship. Here I have a man who loves me and I really love him too, but I keep sabotaging the relationship. I always knew there was something wrong with my approach and thought process towards romantic love relationships in general. Due to my youth I did not date at all and the very first boyfriend I had was at 25.
People always found this strange, I got asked why do you always make every guy you meet a friend. I used to love the attention (like most people in general do) and I had a lot of guy friends. Some stuck around for years and I knew they liked me, but I didn’t want them to leave me, but I just couldn’t commit to anything. So friends was the safe way out. When I was 25 I had a relationship for about 6 months and a few years later I started a relationship with someone in a different country. I used to do that in my beginning twenties too. I would be interested in men who would be around for a few weeks maybe on holiday in my country, and then I knew they would go back to their country so it was ok. I never ever realised what I was doing or why I was doing it. So there I was starting a new relationship 3 years later at the age of 28. (In the meantime don’t get me wrong, I loved the attention I would seek it out and men were interested, but again I make them into friends very quickly.)
The relationship lasted for about 3 years and it was a huge rollercoaster. He also had commitment issues and kept breaking up and wanting to get back together and breaking up etc. Thinking back he was a mirror of myself. I went along with this, I missed him when he wasn’t around and when we did meet it was for short periods of time. When he asked me to move to his country, I said yes and I even arranged that I didn’t live with him. Like it was his fault, because he broke up with me already a few times so we could see how it goes. What I realise years later is that both of us were doing the push pull scenario and both were actually ok with this situation. Needless to say I learned a lot from this experience, but I always said he is the one that has the commitment phobia not me. I blamed him for almost everything. Maybe he did have it worse or to a higher degree but we were both to blame.
So we ended up breaking it off and I left for my own country. A few months later he contacted me to wanting to try it again – this time I said no, because I realised this is not healthy. It was extremely difficult to cut off this cord.
A few years went by again and I met this beautiful man I am presently with. I could see that I was pushing and pulling him. I was testing or still am to a degree, seeing when he will leave. I realise I am hurting him and myself. However the last few months I have been soul searching a lot and came to the realisation after talking to professional therapists that I am a commitment phobic person. There are various degrees, but all the tell-tale signs are there. Pull someone towards you, then as soon as it becomes too comfortable you push them away. Nit picking on every little negative thing they do and making such a huge fuss over every little thing that might not be what I want it to be. Then it consumes me, I start getting a panic attack, wondering if we actually fit together. I cut off my emotions and I only focus on the almost obsessive feelings of anxiety. Almost a year ago he asked me to move in with him, he still has not happened, because I am pushing it forward all the time. The crazy thing is, I want to have life with him and I want to move in. Then if he says lets wait for a while, I get hurt and feel that we need to move in – push pull push pull. As a person with commitment phobia, you cannot believe it is going well, you cannot believe someone can actually love you. So that’s why you push them away.
I realised that I need help and professional help. So I was honest with him and told him what is going on and the journey is still in play. He has been sticking around and he gives me space. So I do see the light as I need to focus on me now and be compassionate for myself. I see the light as I realise what is wrong, what needs to heal. I don’t know where it is all coming from yet, but I am very open to learn.
So thank you for this article. By me sharing my thoughts I hope I have helped others. We have to love ourselves and be open to heal. Otherwise we keep doing the same thing over and over again. This relationship is worth it and I am worth it, so my journey continues ….
OMG this article describes my ex-girlfriend to a tee. The part about the disappearing act is completely accurate. We were together for four and a half years, and broke up and got back together three times during that period, each breakup initiated by her. We would spend each weekend together, and the time spent together, including vacations (always long weekends, never longer vacations), was glorious and perfect. Then when we parted for the week ahead, I wouldn’t hear from her at all unless I contacted her first. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster ride! For a long time, I thought it was me, but then I began research commitmentphobia and the symptoms described her exactly. She has a history of traumatic loss – mentally ill mother who wasn’t always present; raised by housekeepers; mother died when she was 19; marriage to a man who repeatedly cheated on her (and now I see why); a long term relationship with a guy who ultimately cheated on her; father remarried to a woman who didn’t accept her as family. Once you know about commitmentphobia, this becomes a lesson in basic abnormal psychology. She could never own up to her fear of commitment and shied away from discussions about the future. As somebody who actually embraces commitment (I’m actually quite good at relationships having had a stable, loving family growing), it’s a difficult path to travel. I finally had had enough of the rollercoaster and forced myself to break it off about three months ago (also sensing that she was about to do the same). I told her that I needed to be with somebody who could commit fully to the relationship, that I deserved such happiness, and she eagerly agreed with my assessment. She referred to vague criticisms of me, saying that I was too negative; I will admit to being somewhat cynical about people but I always expect things to work out in the end. (Side note on this: her teenage son was a holy terror with frequent bouts with the law for drugs and other things, yet I stuck around to help her deal with the emotional fallout and repeatedly told her that in time, he would straighten out. He did.) It’s terribly hard moving forward after such an experience because I truly loved her and still do, and I’m finding it difficult to move forward with other women who I’ve met. I find that I am either extracautious or still still in love with the ex or both. Anyway, it sure does help reading these insightful articles and other peoples’ experiences. Good luck to all who have gone through this or are going through this. Thanks for listening.
Ive been two years now in a relationship, with a man I now feel is probably a cp. He lives approx 30 miles away, so see each other only once a week. Im 40 with two kids, hes 45 lives alone, never married and no kids. We r not getting any younger, but there are always changing reasons and excuses why he cant move nearer or with us, a lot of the reasons have been put on me. He says he loves me all the time, and I cant leave him. I love him and I want him to want me…. I keep hoping he will realise wot hes got and mske some move for me…. He says he wants to stay in london one more year…
I am a 17 year old commitment phobe but i do not look for perfection in looks, but in personality. I have really strong meanings about what love is and what it should be. Also i am not verry found of fooling around. For some reason it just mekes me feel way too unconfetible, so i try to stay away, even i’ve got a pray i try to stay away because i have big problems with tuching. As long as i can remember i’ve told myself; im ok im fine. Im ok when im alone. Alone is good. I dont need anyone but me. Only me only me…… I know its not a good thing to be telling myself these things but its what i truly belive.
I experienced this for the first time dating a really wonderful, middle-aged woman who was stunning. She was perfect for me. We fell madly in love really quickly, but from the start she was Jekyll/Hyde, breaking up then getting back together with deeper emotions. I confronted her about her fear of intimacy and she was in complete denial. Eventually she was moving in with me and then bolted. She broke out in stress hives!!! She basically had a panic attack and ran away. Then she goes real negative and projects all of her stuff on me as if I am a needy person with mental problems. It is really comical though hearbreaking too. How tragic!!! Like Marilyn Monroe, a stunning woman who is her own enemy. I tried to help her but to no avail. It really is simply her problem. She has to grow up. And I know she is trying. But she is so pretty she does not have much incentive. I think she probably has to go through some real tough alone time for her to hit bottom and want to seek help. Alternately she can go from emotionally unavailable “safe” guy and break up over and over, confirming in her mind that it is not worth it. In that case, a complete tragedy.
I can get some comfort from reading other people experiences. I broke up with a man I was with for 4 years, who at the age of 44yrs had never been married, had no children and a string of failed relationships behind him, (never his fault). If that wasn’t enough red flags, he still lived with his parents in the house he had bought for them all. He pursued me relentlessly telling me I was ‘The One’ and was so romantic I was swept off my feet. We had a long distance relationship until he actually moved in with me and my son for a time (18months)I was so happy and I thought we were getting somewhere. He has a very successful job as a factory manager,is wealthy, so no financial reason to live with parents & is very attractive and quite shy,loving and sensitive which I found endearing. He never committed fully though and paid me ‘rent’ whilst with me, phoninh home each night to talk to his Mum. After 18months he took a job back where he came from and moved out, wanting to continue the relationship at weekends,as before, whilst he moved back with his parents. I stupidly loved him so much I tried this for 3 months as he became more distant then something in me snapped one day and I ended it although I still loved him, my self respect was disappearing. I hoped he would realise how much he loved me. He never tried to get me back. Why then a year later do I still mourn the relationship and blame myself and wonder if perhaps he just hasn’t met the right person? The pain and confusion these men or women cause is so hard to bear and I pray that this year I can at last move forward and never look back.
I have been with this amazing ( when he is actually ‘here’) guy for almost 6 years and we have two beautiful children together. He has on many occasions asked me to marry him then s few days before we go to the court house to get married he starts his distant act again. We are/were supposed to get married in 2 days, 1/14/2014 but he is doing it again. I didn’t know there were more people out there that do this. I have told him that i am fine just being the only one you want and love and we don’t have to get married if he didn’t want to, and yet he is always the one asking me. We live together and on the lease together so we can’t really leave. He is the only serious relationship that i have ever had and i don’t really know how to be without him and have two kids to raise by myself. I don’t know how to get through to him to let him know that I do love him and i don’t need to be married to him i just want to be with him and to know that I am the only one he is making love to. Help please.
Oh my, this must be me. I have never had a boyfriend in my 24 years of existence in this world. I have had suitors during my teenage years but it seemed to me they are not right for me. I’m always looking for someone else. And now at work I tried to be so pretty to charm some of the prospective boyfriends but I just can’t think of actually having them as a boyfriend. I’m scared to commit and to depend fully to someone else who I think will eventually leave me sooner or later. I can’t think of showing the other side of me when I’m in the office. Feels like I’m a different person when I’m there. I don’t want to be an old maid but staying in a long term relationship is unimaginable. Thanks for this article. It made me realize I’m not the only one feeling this way. But I feel sorry to think that this is actually a psychological disorder.
I have loved a commitment phobia man for over 27 years. He broke my heart at 22 when I discovered he was engaged to another woman who was pregnant. I went off the rails, drinking and sleeping around. I eventually fell in love with a friend who saved me from myself and I married him on the rebound. Very sadly I bumped into “commitment phobe,” and he wooed me back into his arms! We began an affair that lasted half a life time. I dont know how we got away with it?! I did it because I thought he loved me! I encouraged my husband to move my house, ‘so’ I could be near my lover when my husband worked away. We had two children, yet I moved our world to be with him!! After 17 years marriage I instigated divorce as I could no longer live a lie. Commitment phobe appeared. Butto be there for me?! We went public with our relationship and were besotted!! Then I fell pregnant at 42 I was delighted! He was not!?! Up to that point hhe was the love of my life! Then he changed into the most selfish man I have ever met. When our baby was three weeks old I discovered sex texts from other women. I lost two stone and had a nervous breakdown and contemplated suicide. It took me twelve months to stop crying with support from an EFT practitioner. Our son is four years old. I have had one relationship since but could not commit so ended it. Ironically I have again been drawn back under this man’s spell! As we maintained contact for our son?! I’m now in an affair with him?! I’m his ‘mistress” again!! He has a girlfriend he has been seeing 18 months?! She goes out to dinner and dancing with him?! I raise his son on a pitiful maintenance?! Sometimes he comes over and pretends to play “happy families’ and we do the normal stuff together. Then he puts his son to bed. Then he takes me to bed!! Then he drives back to his house, where he lives on his own! Picking up and dropping us as it suits him!! I feel I am heading to an early grave with the anxiety this man is putting me through?!?!
I am so grateful for this article. I have experienced the pain of dating a commitment phobic man. This is very hurtful. This article helped me understand what this is and what it looks like. I read this and it was exactly what I went through. Thrills, excitement and such happiness right away and then when it went to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage he just became so cold and uncaring. I felt incredibly unloved and could not understand what happened. I wondered what I had done. I felt like I wasn’t enough all of a sudden. I asked pointed questions about whether or not he wanted to be in the relationship. He couldn’t answer and made vague comments about not being together and also being together. I remained confused yet gave my love to him. As a Christian I prayed a lot. The coldness and lack of interest in me, my life and my welfare just kept breaking my heart. On a special day when this person again left me hurt and alone I told him to leave. I spent many days praying and the Lord confirmed in my heart that this man has hurt me enough and that it had to stop and return to a friendship only. It was at that time that this person admitted having this problem. I am so sorry to read the article posts of this going on for years.. my experience lasted about 5 months but I loved him and I am left with a lot of hurt and pain to get over. This man is a Christian that I met at church. It is sad that this is such a deep seated issue for those who have this because people want to love them. I wanted and did love him and accept him. I loved and gave and wound up with a hurting and broken heart. This is such a painful thing to go through.
I have dated a commitment phobe for six months with countless breakups in between. He was sweet, caring and loving but when I asked him to meet my friends and family he had no choice but to accept he is not up for commitment.
I left him and he wooed me back into his life. We have been on and off for 6 months and now I need help to stay away from him for good.
What can I do? suggestions are welcome. Don’t judge me because sometimes things are easier said than done and I will like to get out of this cycle.
The article was enlightening, thank you. The description of the push, pull helped a lot as did the reminder of the seduction these cp use to draw you back in. I walked away last summer and still have care and concern for the cp in my life but have used a no contact rule to allow myself to heal and grow. Honestly at this point I need time to date myself, pray and journal a lot. A year ago I started on my masters knowing this man would find a way to run away again. So no matter what his choices I can be joyful through learning, friendships and volunteering. These are very painful and frustrating relationships and leaving someone you genuinely love hurts. I am a passionate single 50 year old and I will not waste my life with someone who refuses to look in the mirror and deal with their issues. I am sad for all the people who have written comments and I believe in true love and commitment. I did take him back and believe another round of lies awhile back but at this point if I were to take him back I need to assess what my pay off is for staying with someone who blocks love.
I pray for him and am very nice when I bump into him but I am building a solid life that is an investment in myself and not a gamble. I know love is on its way! Hang tough and date yourself for awhile, it’s pretty cool!
Meditation is an excellent resource in decreasing the anxiety feelings and relaxing the muscles and mind. Regular practice of medication brings a drastic change in yourself.
The article is so accurate that I felt like being stabbed reading each and every facts stated.
It described me so well, I feel sorry and misereable of myself being a commitment-phobe, I always been but even more now.
I could only hope I can cope up and get over with this condition soon as I’m only in my early 20s. I got a long way ahead of me and I’m worried about women out there that might turned up someday being hurt along my journey.
Forgive me.
hi all,
i have similar experience with commitment phoebe!This article describes him in detail!We were together for 2,5 years ended up very badly as i had to run away from his house where we lived together with my little child.I loved him madly and he seduced me until he could see he “got” me…then he suddenly changed over the night into a completely different person cold uncaring!Its been 5 months since havent meet him and inspite of the fact of being heart broken the only advice i can give myself and others is to get out from the relationship with that type of man asap!they are going to hurt u anyway….:-(he said i wasnt perfect because the only thing he could see at me was that i swear when i drive the car…apart from it i was his perfect girl..im 29 and he is 43 now divorced!Its a mental condition and has to be treated before the commitment phoebe finds another victim to seduce…
I’ve been for 18 months in a devastating long distance relationship with a French guy who is a commited phobic. The first trip was a dream with Paris involved for my bday. I meet his family and friends in that trip and they were amazing with me. I noticed he was a very quiet and distant kind of guy who seem detached of the present. The next trips ( 2 more to France for me and 2 for him visiting me in USA ) where a nightmare. I just feel we didn’t connected and I feel confuse and sad. I noticed how he was looking all woman around when we were together and never engage in the moment. He barely wants to talk about his past or the future. Oh but he was a master in find the way to write me the best text, or emails with romantic pics os us or about love …but all that love and feelings that he described in his emails didn’t match when we were actual together. I noticed he was distant with his family as well…I faced him about I didn’t feel his love was actually true …I even thought he was using me to get a green card …I was going nuts trying to understand what was going on …finally after my last trip I told him I didn’t feel this relationship was going anywhere he denied that of course so I said you never make any plans for us or want to discuss about where we are going he said we are getting married and he told his family that we will engage in this past February …I didn’t feel he really was convince about it..and finally he said he didn’t have money then change the date to April …and nope again not money …the last conversation we had was in March …I end it…thank you for this article …I am not more confuse about if it was me the one who was pushy …it was him..really helped my soul..
Become Happier By Avoiding Sex, Marriage, Fatherhood, And Parental Alienation Syndrome.
[Introduction]
My information is a combination of three stories. The first story describes one of the most important books that I have ever read (Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome by Amy Baker). The second story uses information from online articles to reveal events that are enormously influenced by family problems (like Parental Alienation Syndrome). Parental Alienation Syndrome is probably the worst family problem because it can last for decades after the relationship with the spouse or the lover has ended. The other family problems can be eliminated when the couples divorce or when the unmarried couples separate. The third story explains why parental alienation methods were used against me by an unexpected group of people.
[Book Summary]
Forty adult participants were interviewed for Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome (by Amy Baker). The book has a lot of long and informative quotes from those interviews. During childhood, each of the 40 adult participants had an alienating parent (usually the mother) that manipulated them into unjustly hating (or pretending to hate) the targeted parent. Many participants said that they were frequently forced to make hateful or belittling comments to the targeted parent even though they secretly loved the targeted parent. The book gives a detailed explanation of each method the alienating parent used to manipulate or brainwash their children. The United States would become a better country if every targeted parent made their children read and talk to them about this book.
[Married Life With Children]
Many alienating parents manipulated their children into hating the targeted parent even though the married couple lived in the same home. The targeted parents are usually unaware of this hatred because the alienating parents and their children decide to keep their hatred a secret as long as the targeted parents (usually the father) stay in the marriage. One child secretly wanted his father to die. The targeted parent thought that his spouse and child were at home in another part of town, but the child was watching him (probably through a window) because the alienating parent told her son to secretly spy on his father. As an adult, the child finally told his father about the childhood spying, the secret hatred, and the other secrets.
In some marriages, the alienating parent made hateful or belittling comments to the targeted parent. In some of the openly hostile marriages, the children also made hateful or belittling comments to the targeted parent. During the marriage, children saw the alienating parent abuse the targeted parent (verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or a combination of abuses). The author believes that many of the alienating parents had a personality disorder like narcissism (other disorders were named in the book). Family problems (including Parental Alienation Syndrome) affected the children. “Nearly half of college-age adults [19-25 year old students and non-students] struggle with a mental health disorder, from alcohol dependency to depression and anxiety. But only a quarter seek” treatment (“Young Adults Hit By Mental Health Issues,” BaltimoreSun.com).
One reason marriage rates are decreasing is because more people are witnessing the divorces and the unhappy marriages of numerous family and friends. People that were older than 20 and had divorced parents were 33 percent less likely to ever get married (“Research Suggests Children Of Divorce More Likely To End Their Own Marriages,” UNews.Utah.edu). The percentage of people older than 18 that were currently married was 72 percent in 1960 and 51 percent in 2010 (“Marriage Rate In America Drops Drastically,” HuffingtonPost.com). “According to U.S. Census Bureau statistics, in 1980 only 6 percent of men between 40 and 44 had never been married; in 2008 it was 16 percent (“The Stigma Of The Never-Married Man,” Details.com).” Fifty-six percent (56%) of all men and 65 percent of men with bachelor degrees remained in their first marriage for at least 20 years (“Only Half Of First Marriages Last 20 Years,” Today.com). “Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women (“Debunking 10 Divorce Myths,” Health.HowStuffWorks.com).”
[Child Support And Child Visitation]
Fifty percent (50%) of the children born to married parents will see their parents divorce before they reach the age of 18 (“Statistics on Children of Divorce in America,” About.com). Custodial parents (usually the mother) can ignore child visitation orders because there is usually no punishment (“Visitation Rights Must Be Enforced,” Cleveland.com). One father was divorced, he had child visitation problems after the divorce, and he remarried the alienating parent because he wanted adequate contact with his child. Some mothers will ask the family court for an increase in child support payments if the father’s income increases significantly. A few websites like LegalZoom.com answer the question: “Can I go after my ex-husband’s new wife’s income for more child support?” The answer is that in “limited circumstances” the ex-wife would get an increase in child support payments.
“Our [1997] data show that 4.5 million [56% of non-poor] nonresident fathers who do not pay child support have no apparent financial reason to avoid this responsibility. None of these fathers are poor (“Poor Dads Who Don’t Pay Child Support,” Urban.org).” In 2008, nearly 25 percent of parents did not pay any court-ordered child support, and another 30 percent did not pay the full amount (“Most Child-Support Payers Stiff Their Kids,” CBSNews.com). Twenty-four percent (24%) of custodial mothers did not receive any court-ordered child support from fathers, and thirty-seven percent (37%) of custodial fathers did not receive any court-ordered child support from mothers (“Child Support for Custodial Mothers and Fathers: 1991,” page 6, Census.gov).
The primary reason for child support delinquency is child visitation problems. Another reason is a “vindictive or unjust” divorce process (“The Family; Why Fathers Don’t Pay Child Support,” NYTimes.com). “Men Who Broke” (FathersForLife.org) has many stories of men that committed suicide because of enormous child support arrears or child visitation problems. Some fathers that are victims of Parental Alienation Syndrome pay the full amount of court-ordered child support, and some fathers that were treated well by their families do not pay the full amount of court-ordered child support. Father’s family court problems were explained extremely well in A Promise to Ourselves by Alec Baldwin (book) and Divorce Corp by Joseph Sorge (book and DVD).
When the children became adults that no longer lived with either parent, many alienating parents (usually the mother) would continue to prevent their children from establishing a relationship with the targeted parent. Many adult alienated children eventually had a positive relationship with the targeted parent. Many children will be permanently alienated from their fathers. Single divorced men with permanently alienated children and never-married men that never had children will be in a SIMILAR situation in their old age.
[Old Age]
“In-Home Care For Frail Childless Adults” (Urban.org) reveals the percentage of frail older men (age 65 and older) living in the community that receive in-home care from paid help and unpaid help (family and friends). The information excludes men living in nursing homes and assisted living facilities. Frail unmarried older men with no children received help 50.4 percent of the time (37.9% unpaid help and 20.3% paid help). Frail older men (both married and unmarried) with two children received help 59.8 percent of the time (58.4% unpaid help and 9.3% paid help).
Nursing homes and assisted living facilities are alternatives to in-home care. “Ohio nursing home and assisted living facility residents rated their overall satisfaction with the care they receive in the ‘B+’ range, according to a statewide survey by the Ohio Department of Aging (“Ohio Nursing Home Residents Rate Facilities Well In State Survey,” Cleveland.com). During old age, the entire Social Security payment of some fathers is confiscated by the government to pay child support (current and past-due). It does not matter if the child is an adult, if the debt was created decades ago, or if the father does not have another source of income (“Child Support vs. Social Security,” BankRate.com).
[Share The Wealth]
The emotional harassment that I experienced from an unexpected group of people (since 2001) is very similar to the parental alienation methods described in this book. Before I joined the Navy, I almost always worked minimum wage jobs (mostly in Atlanta, GA). My female Navy enlisted recruiter encouraged me to become a Navy Officer because she saw that I had a bachelor’s degree. I was too old to qualify for most officer job categories as a civilian. The age limits were higher for Navy enlisted personnel. I was interested in the officer program during my first several months of active duty, but I decided not to apply. For ten years (2001-2011), I was a Navy enlisted sailor on active duty in San Diego (CA). My significantly improved financial status caused women and society to change from not caring about my personal life to using emotional harassment to demand that I get a girlfriend and become a father.
I live alone, I have never been married, and I do not have any children. I used to have sex with women before I began practicing sexual abstinence. “Effectiveness Of Family Planning Methods” (CDC.gov) and “Contraception” (CDC.gov) reveal that the “typical use failure rate” for condoms is 18 pregnancies per 100 women per year (18 percent). Some single condom users want to wear two condoms at the same time. A few women that want to get pregnant will lie and say that male contraceptives are not needed because they are sterile or because they are using female contraceptives. I am happy practicing sexual abstinence and avoiding having a girlfriend because both plans allow me to avoid marriage and fatherhood. The percentage of women at the end of their childbearing years (the 40-44 age group) that have never given birth was 10 percent in 1976 and 18 percent in 2008 (“Childlessness Up Among All Women,” PewSocialTrends.org).
For the first time in my life (starting in 2001, when I was 32 years old), there was an extreme and coordinated effort to emotionally harass me at work and near my home. The emotional harassment continued after I moved from Atlanta (GA) to San Diego (CA). When I was near my home, strangers that I saw only once would either emotionally harass me or spy on me (child spying is described in my third paragraph). A hacker could spy on my laptop or smartphone (“WiFi Snooping: Who’s Spying On Your Laptop?,” KMOV.com). Company employees can view customer information like my online email account, my bank account, and my brokerage account (“Employees Snoop On Customer Data,” ABCNews.Go.com). My harassers often have information (negative and positive) that I did not reveal to anyone.
[Doctor’s Visit]
I was VERY ANGRY at the beginning of the emotional harassment (in 2001), but I got used to it. In 2010, my Commanding Officer (O-6 rank) forced me to see a psychiatrist even though I felt fine. I learned that the Navy does not need a very good reason to make a service member see a psychiatrist. I took a psychological test, and I talked to the psychiatrist. At the beginning of the session, I put a tape recorder on the table. I told the psychiatrist that I will record the entire session. I did not tell her that if I received an unfair diagnosis, then I would have used the tapes to get a second opinion from a psychiatrist that I would have hired. One year after I left the Navy, I destroyed the tapes. The psychiatrist decided that I should live at a Navy mental hospital for three days for observation. The Navy mental hospital told me that I did not have any mental disorders.
The psychiatrist said that information from my session would be revealed to my high-level supervisors (E-9 rank and above). Even if I was not warned, I would not have told the psychiatrist anything that I did not want the entire world to know. The harassers at my new job location and near my home knew specific things that I told the psychiatrist. The harassers were unable to get any damaging information. Before my 2005 re-enlistment, I knew that I would leave the Navy in 2011 (Honorable Discharge as an E-5). The emotional harassment will last for the rest of my life because I will not become an ATM machine (paying child support for my alienated children that I am rarely allowed to contact). “’In the 1950s, if you weren’t married, people thought you were mentally ill,’ said Andrew J. Cherlin, a Johns Hopkins University sociologist who studies families (“Married Couples At A Record Low,” WashingtonPost.com).”
[The Boycott]
The emotional harassment increased my desire to do research on marriage and fatherhood. The more research I did, the worse marriage and fatherhood looked. Marriage and fatherhood is much worse than the emotional harassment that I frequently deal with. I am used to the emotional harassment. The only major problem that I have is unemployment. Avoiding sex, marriage, and fatherhood means that I solved my future problems with family court and the unfair fatherhood laws BEFORE it was too late. If a large percentage of men boycotted family court and the unfair fatherhood laws for their entire life, then society would eventually be FORCED to create a better system. MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) in the United States and Herbivore Men in Japan are large groups of men that are avoiding sex, marriage, fatherhood, and Parental Alienation Syndrome.
A Promise to Ourselves by Alec Baldwin (book) and Divorce Corp by Joseph Sorge (book and DVD) exposes a broken family court system that frequently does not care about “the best interests of the child.” Any solution to family court and the unfair fatherhood laws should have the goal of preventing unfair changes to the improved system after the children are born. One possible solution would be to pass laws that create “parental contracts” (similar to prenuptial agreements) that cover child custody, child visitation, and child support payments. The “parental contract” could require both parents to allow yearly “parental alienation awareness training” for their children.
The “parental contract” laws would reduce the number of unfair negotiated contracts. The law would have mandatory minimum child support payments. The “parental contracts” would allow both parents to avoid paying child support if both parents have an equal amount of child custody. If the custodial parent refused a non-custodial parent’s child visitation, then there could be a two-part punishment in the “parental contract” (a “flow reversal” punishment). In the first part, the permanent non-custodial parent would get temporary custody of the children for at least one month. In the second part, the direction of the child support payments would reverse during the temporary custody period. The permanent custodial parent would have to pay child support. A fair system would mean that fewer non-custodial parents would have child support arrears. Allegations of child abuse would have to be proven in a CRIMINAL court. A conviction would authorize the criminal court (not the family court) to punish the defendant by canceling or by modifying their “parental contract.” Parents (married and unmarried) without a “parental contract” would be in another system. [Written by Michael Anthony Hill in Miami, FL (07-01-14)]
All your coments were very inspiring. I’m in a similar situation now. I’ve been dating a men for a few months that suffers from this problem.. He is exactly the kind of person I’ve always desired, he’s nice, inteligent, cares about me… He is conscious of having commitment phobia and started to get professional help, moreover he has made very big steps, I’ve stayed at his home for some days, he met my parents, we seemed a normal couple but then he panicked again. It’s the second time we kind of break up, he clearly tells me it is not my fault and that he loves me but he isn’t able to begin a real relationship… I know he is suffering a lot and I really want to help him to get over it , but it is begining to destroy me too… Has anyone been able to have a long and healthy relationship with a Cp? I don’t care if it takes a lot of time, I’m really willing to help him… But I’m afraid we won’t do it and it is just going to destroy me… Thank you.
hie. i am a commitment phobic and i am also so reserved.that is why i haven’t ever had that experience against any other person,because i rarely have relations with other people.but i have that issue about basically “every” work i start to do or any job i start. i mean i get to jobs,people appreciate my abilities to learn fast and to be helpful.but the minute i feel they are starting to “trust” me as a new staff or they are starting to count on me , i just freak out! and i disappear as if i had never been there.i am about 30,and i have no jobs.i am studying Artificial intelligence,but i hate it and i wanna quit it.although i loved it when i was starting it. but now i find myself completely unable to complete my projects. i am aware of this pattern in my life.i just don’t know how to solve it. and i am badly afraid of starting any other new job.and it is such a shame bcos i know i am talent and i have a lot of abilities…
Wow, described my behavior for the past 8 years. On again off again relationships. (Have been torturing one sweet soul in particular) who always comes back for more. I feel terrible.
My parents though we’re seemingly happy for 49 years until my mother passed away and I was very much in love for 25 years until losing the love of my life to be east cancer.
I thought I just haven’t met the right gal and I’ve used the excuse that I have “commitment issues” but I really wonder ..really want to break the mad cycle.
Wow this is so accurate. I am 28 and this article is my life… I’ll meet a great guy but as soon as they get too close I feel literally suffocated. I close up and find things wrong n pretty much run in the opposite direction. My family tell me I never let people in. I always tell them when I meet the right one it will be different… but I’m starting to wonder..?
Thank you so much. This is exactly how was my ex bf. we date for 2,5 years we lived together he always talk about how much he loves me, wanna marry me and have a family. He was so sweet and good lover and I believed him. We tried to get pregnant but I could not. We went for ivf and in the middle of treatments he shocked me with a lies about tests we need and he never got them he betrayed me in the most horrible way! I’m 40 I am hurt and it’s still recovering form the pain he has cost me. but I am lucky bc I did not choose him with and his lies and I continue ifv on my own without him. I lost fake love and mentality ill person who lied about everything and hurt me this horrible way.
But I have a future bc I’m pregnant and I will have something amazing in my life and him will never have a chance to be happy. I truly feel sorry for the next girl who will get play by his sweet horrible lies.
Im madly in love wth a commitment phobe.when i askd him about cmitment he suddenly said he never loved me.this was the time that i wjs goin to tel him how much i loved him and deep down i knew ge did too coz of the things that we spoke.i am so hurt and want to get him back.i dnt knw how.bt i wanna try atleast once.can anybody help me with suggestions? He said we can b best friends if u promise that u wnt ask for more.
I think it just proves how horrible selfcentered and phycopathic men are, why would anyone want to be in a relationship with them. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with a man that uses women or used to. And says ‘I’m not here for a long time but I’m here for a good time’. Clearly that person doesn’t care about anyone but themselves. It is such an ugly quality why would anyone ever want to be in a relationship with them. Men treat women like shit and make our life miserable for their own benifit. I want a relationship so badly. But I don’t see any point. I live in a cycle of depression and probably will for the rest of my life. Wikipedia and everything say women used to be practically slaves because they had no choice in life, well I don’t think that’s true, because I think we are still like that, we are still slaves, the ways we are kept slaves might not be so obvious as they used to be, but they are still there, in social expectation, in porn, in our teachers, in media.
Wow I needed this article!! Some of this stuff is SO spot on for how I deal with relationships. I had begun to wonder if I am just flat out, on some unconscious level, deeply afraid of commitment. And sure enough I grew up in situations similar to what you described. I also do the picking out of flaws that you mention! Because of this I am going to start reading the recommended book and seek some help.
Thank you!
I am a commitment-phobe. I never knew of it before, but now well aware of this “illness.” I realize now that I left my high school sweetheart cause I was scared to go all the way. I think about it till this day. She’s moved on & yet I still have her in the back of my head. It’s sad really. This phobia effects different areas of my life. I’m going to change starting today. Thank you this article has touched me & has driven me to not only soul search but to conquer my fear of commitment.
How can I help the man I love who suffers from this bc of a failed marriage and second failure of a long term relationship? I’m desperate.. we recently broke up because of his insecurity..
My heart goes out to everybody who is a CP and who dated a CP. I am in love with a CP for more than 10 years. He swept me away I would be “the one” 10 years ago and after a few months he cooled down he said. I wanted to break it off but he always still called me daily and said he only wants me. It was sooo confusing. Did he love me or not. I just did not get it. That went on a few years on and off until I could not take it anymore and looked for somebody else, got married and had children. I thought the whole thing with the CP was over, especially at that time I had no idea CPs exist and I was just convinced that this guy never really loved me enough. 3 years later he was back saying he regrets how he behaved towards me. I would have been the right woman for him. I should have a baby with him and leave my husband. Unfortunately I gave in as he is still the big love in my life. I became pregnant right away and what did he say? He loves me and also wants me to have the child but he never wants to have a relationship with me. I forced him to see him and have sex with me. WOW……sometimes you think that can not be true. I am happy my husband forgave me and I also was able – after reading a lot about CPs and the issue – to forgive my CP. He did apologize later and also told me he always still wants to see me but I know for myself that this is like a bad drug. He pulls me in, then is cold and uncaring, then loving and passionate and it destroys your self esteem because you always feel at one point you did something wrong. God bless him and God help me to keep my distance. I wish him to heal and find somebody who can be at his side but this was a very sad experience.
This article is so good..And it has helped me not feel so resentful towards the man I have fallen in love with. He’ll say he loves me…well have great sex..laugh…talk for hours..And then say we’re just friends. I got so mad after years of this I felt he was a narcisstic con artist..but now I see he has deep problems that have nothing to do w me….I said many mean things to him…..to make me hate him and to tell him….im not a fool..I just loved him…to save my pride…. but now I feel sorry for both of us..he’s never been married..has an intense job..And is alone a lot…I hope he learns to seek Jesus …..because He can heal the hardest of hearts…he works miracles..And it sounds like ..cp people need devine help…or they will be alone till they grow old..And its sad..because we are tender friends..And now..I’m crushed…And my esteem is scarred..I feel something is wrong w me…due to the repeated rejections. But being grounded in truth…..and Gods love breaks the grip of the rejected love..we must love ourselves and release them with love…And a prayer.I know my love will be rewarded..when I end my addiction to my cp friend..lover…I must let him go…And just be joyful.
Bingo Merci!,
I was 2 years in a relationship with a CP then we became just friends for four years. I didn’t know about CP at that time. I have to say our friendship was great, easy and natural, I was very fond of him but not in love. He recently instigated sex again and I fell in love with him again I didn’t let him know, he must have figured it out for himself, this was two months ago and now he’s just told me he’s met another woman!! I know he’s been single all this time and now he choses to find someone else.
I have gone into complete shutdown, I will not be friends with him, he may as well say you’re ok but I’m looking for something better.
Thank you for this site I now know what I’m dealing with and close relationships with these people is dangerous to your health. Self Preservation.
I’m pretty sure that I hve commitment phobia and Relationship anxiety. and it’s so so frustrating.. I have been with someone only one but that was all I needed to notice something was off. As soon as I said yes all I wanted was a way out. Everything hurt and I was depressed the entire time. I tried to force myself to ignore it and pretend to me “happy”, but after a month I just couldn’t do it anymore. I felt like every time I said sappy stuff about our future and that I loved her I was lieing. It hurt so so bad… Eventually I broke up with her, and she got really pissed at me. Told me I lied to her and that I didn’t love her and all this terrible stuff. To this day it hurts. Shortly afterward she apologized and said that she understood she didn’t mean it but I feel like the damage was done.. I was also asked by a good friend if she wanted to be girlfriends, and as an expirent I said yes. Instantly that feeling washed over me again. I apoligizef an hour later and told her that I couldnt do it. This problem is something that is extremely frustrating because I want to be happy and live with a beautiful girl for the rest of my life, but this damn problem isn’t allowing me to. This isn’t becasue I am manipulationg people, it isn’t that way.. I just want to be happy… I apologize if you read this sappy thing, I just needed somewhere to vent…
Lissy, you should not generalize. Women treat men the same way you discribed and men feel like slaves as well. Yes, men have feelings too and they get hurt by women too.
What to do when you are aware you are dating a committment phobe, who expresses they are dissastifued with their behavior and seem to genuinely want to end the behavior? This person has not damaged my self esteem by picking at me, nor by lying, and I feel that there is still value in this person/relationship?
Being married to a commitment phobic man who had 2 affairs to get out and then pines over love, I had to figure out what it is in me that kept choosing cheaters. I have read the book, “He’s Scared, She’s Scared,” which opened my eyes to a passive commitment phobic stance on my part, which would explain my choice in partners. I have no problem being faithful but my biggest problem is space sharing. I’ve become neat and tidy and my current partner is a slob. Love him to death and he is a workaholic so he’s gone most of the time, which I enjoy but often leaves behind a mess for me to clean. When I ask him for help w chores, he threatens to leave which I’ve become quite comfortable with if he does. I’ve read articles that this is a common problem in relationships, but leaning towards the commitment phobic part because sometimes I get physically ill when I look at his mess or if he’s hanging out while I’m trying to get things done. Sometimes I feel like he’s hijacked my home and I don’t feel comfortable when he’s around or when he wants me to accompany him to the bar as his DD. Honeymoon stage has passed. There are multiple distancing techniques such as anger or adultery or fault finding. All of which I have suffered and also inflicted, except adultery. I try to focus on good qualifies but I daydream about having my house back and getting to pursue my hobbies and dreams, like he does w no regard to house chores; rather than spending my spare time cleaning his 2 boys’ nesses. I get conflicting signals from him all the time from “I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” to, “I’m not interested in anything whatsoever like a marriage again.” We both had failed marriages due to our spouse’s infidelity so we understand that our motives come from that fear; but many distancing techniques keep coming out subconsciously which makes for a tumultuous push/pull relationship. I’ve forgiven my ex spouse and we are on amicable terms because of our son. I do not ever think about going back. I moved on. He has not however, and constantly talks negatively about his ex-spouse and when he’s not fighting w her, he starts fighting w me. I told him if he wants to move out to date again, that’s fine w me. We were in agreeance w that, then he raged at me because I asked him to and he said he couldn’t go thru a breakup again. Told him it was not breaking up but a way to save the relationship in the long term so we could get over our divorces and we could have our own space and projects and take our time w commitment. He’s become an animal hoarder yet displaces anger on and tells me u have to get rid of my 2 cats I’ve had since he moved in. I’ve suggested getting a new place together but not ready for it yet. He tells me he’s moving out because of my cats then blames me for choosing my cats over him. He’s become lazy in the relationship. Icant voice any concerns like I used to w/o him flying off the handle and attacking me verbally. Hasn’t found a place to live. Hasn’t paid me passed debts, I can’t depend on him for anything and he doesn’t want me to expect anything from him out of the relationship, like going to family holidays or feeding my cats when I’m out of town. I told him if he wants a casual relationship then we can’t have that in a cohabitation since I’m always picking up his slack and making excuses for him. I’ve noticed commitment phobia in other ares of his life like the dozens of toxic half projects layed up against the walls and puking out onto the lawn. Gave him the garage, gave him his own room and he keeps buying more stuff and more animals despite my mentioning that he promised he would pay me back for the year i took care of him. Ive let go and stared to let him be resonsible for his own shit but nothing gets done! I feel stuck, trapped-like I can’t get rid of him and he won’t leave despite his many threats. I don’t want to hurt him by giving him the ultimatum but he’s in a rut and I’m ready to move on. He talked about having his own place since he moved in a year ago, so I thought i was giving him what he wanted when I asked him to move out when he threatened to kill my cats. I was hoping he would b4 I started to suffocate b4 things got bad so we could still date. Idk. Tough stuff. I try not to sweat the small stuff but all the little stuff adds up to one big thing.
i have commitment issues and i can totally relate to the post .i had abusive relation in the past due to which there is like this inner defence mechanism that doesnt allow me to get close to anyone emotionally .the saddest part is that its always like that .i start seeing someone ,infatuated deeply ,after a month or two when the other starts expecting more from me , thats when i realise it isnt the real deal . it wont be love with him. i have broken few hearts and not proud of it. i just hope one day i can finally be with someone . i really wanna fall in love and be with someone.
this commitment phobia thing…is bad they can destory and devestae a person to the point that they start think they are crazy ,,or wierd, or the phobic manipulates an tricks so bad that even when they tellu they have it u have to walk eggshells..so that u dont give them anxiety…when u truly fall in love w/ them cant even say it …of course at 1st they ride in on a white horse ur shinning prince in armor an most times they are so good thatu never had anyone put on act of seems to just be crazy for ya and genlte calm… then becomes hatefull…an yes they do tend to hang on ex’s an in some cases manipulate u into thinking ther just friendsafter a while nothin is about u they twist it around an make everbody else think u r clingy, want to much..or pretray u as bothering them…well i do think alot of it is (BS} an sometimes they have that excuse to be a complete sob…an i no one has recently ripped my heart out an made me feel like nothing i have evr felt it is horrible…he belittled me an bs me the whole year an toyed w/ me…now this is a man that new i had some depression battle and still treated me this way…although his anxiety isssues broke him down he needed the hugs an time spent holin him then just dumped me 10 min on phone like i was just some one he had known maybe for couple of dates or something…these men are dangerous an i can tell u im still in a bad depression…over this the hardest thing was him not even telling me why…most time they line somebody else up before they do this and the most worst thing bout this guy he told me several times he couldnt be my everday boyfriend over an over i thought he meant work….not his phobia then turned around posted he was in relationship on fb…6 weeks after he dumped me i saw him off an on for a year an didnt even get that an i kept havin to ask him if he was my boyfriend or what am i thru the whole year….so he never posted that when he was datin me…my feeling is that he lied about all of it….or maybe he was ashamed of me,,,i don’t no but he really hurt me bad…worst pain i ever emotionally had in my life…an now i think the whole thing was a lie an the phobia excuse that readiley be used to his advantadge,,im gone stick w/ he just lied and toyed w/ me i the one look like fool an everbody else still looking up to him…..he has no remorse i dont think…an he is just a liar…basically an player..an yes he was looking for perfection…well, he will not get it because it does not exist an he is not perfect either…but i did love him an he never got to know that because of his bs an moody.hatefull all excuse ways…i was last for every thing an the whole time i was watching from afar thats why i could not tell him an hoped he would come around but instead dumped me in a cowardley way…i have alot anger toward him…an i have a long ways to go in recooperating….all i can say if some tells u that ever run like helll!!!!
horrible. most horrible feeling in world to be fooled by a commitment phobia an worst thing is they always got that excuse to use for what they do…cynthia
I am definitely one of these people. I’m 19 and found myself realizing that I’m a commitment phobic.Once the author mentioned that this condition derives from a family situation I knew right away what it was. Since I was little I have never seen my parents display any affection towards each other. Never saw them kiss, hug, or say I love you once. Every single day they get mad at each other and I realized that I’m truly afraid I’ll become like my parents and hold anger towards my loved one.I’ve been doing this endless cycle with a guy since junior year in high school. I can’t count the countless times we’ve broken up. I always found myself lying or disrespecting our relationship. At times I would even make up a reason for why we should break up when in truth I truly care for this guy. Well we had a mutual agreement and broke up. He wasn’t happy and couldn’t trust me. I wasn’t happy and didn’t know who I really was. Yet even then I still hope I will end up with him in someway and we can get that happy ending. I just want to change but have struggled before and could never conquer it.
I have a question about a dating situation I was in, I was seeing this guy and things seemed to be going great. He would call, text, make plans and include me in all of his plans, I met his friends he met mine and we had a lot in common. He seems to only really open up when he has been drinking, he told me one night that he has commiment issues due to a bad childhood and home life. Both his parents were alcoholics and his dad would hit his mom and him, when he got older he would fight his dad, his mom died of liver sclerosis 4 years ago and he was crying after he told me. He told me that he wants a relationship with me, and that he wishes he could change who he was and how he was. He has a pattern of being with women and then leaving them a few weeks later, we were slow with the sex stuff and didn’t have sex, because he didn’t want this to happen with me, we were going to wait till he felt ready. He was still going on a dating site tho, and I saw female text messages in his phone that were sexual…which upset me. He said we didn’t have the were not going to talk to anyone else talk yet, so we did. I saw him 2 weekends ago after having this talk and now I haven’t heard from him, he won’t return my calls or texts, I’m not pushing and I’m being compassionate telling him how I feel and trying to give him time and space. I don’t know what to do now, I know it isn’t a good relationship to want but I do. Help, I just want to know if it’s him and what he is saying would cause commitment issues and being close or is it me. The biggest thing I am struggling with is his silence, I feel like he hates me, I want him to reach out and talk to me like he use too. I care about him as a person, why is he silent? I felt like we were really connecting. He told me that only his inner circle of friends knew who he was, and it seemed like when he was drinking, he was the person he wanted to be, when he was sober he was quiter and more to himself. I met one of his close friends who is a female and he said he did this to her, but realized they were better friends. They are now talking…I just feel lost, hurt and confused.
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I’m a 26 year old woman and I believe I have commitment phobia. When I’m in a relationship, I can find something wrong with every man; I’m always in search of Mr. Perfect. I’ll say he’s clingy or that it’s his problem that we’re moving too fast. In the past 5 years, I haven’t dated a guy more than 3 months at a time. Even at the 3 month mark, I feel like we are still beginning to date, we aren’t boyfriend-girlfriend yet. I hate this cause I believe in a passionate love and I want that. I just don’t think I can allow myself to get to that place with someone. The intimacy gives me anxiety…even the thought of things getting closer with that particular person gives me anxiety. I overthink everything and I would rather go just go home and smoke.
I’ve been struggling with CP for a few years now and I never realized I had it until now…I just recently saw the pattern and it’s honestly so frustrating and it hurts. I hate hurting other people. I’ve always been wondering what is wrong with me, it’s like I meet a great guy, go on dates, then I think I like him, and then suddenly I want out. I feel terrible, and I can’t get anyone to understand what I’m going through. They just don’t get it. I really just wish I could have a long relationship like a normal person.
So I’m looking for anwsere as I think I have CP tendencies.. I don’t man hunt by any means and I genuinely want a lasting relationship but I am at a cut and go stage that I’ve been stuck in since my very first heart break a man I birthed a child with and dedicated 6 years of my life to I really need any kind if advice to get away from this self destructive pattern maybe its not CP but I’ve read a few articles and a lot of the signs hit home for me and I grew up with a child hood similar to a lot of what’s described in this article only thing that confuses me is that I could become so attached and then become so unavailable to any other man in my life.
My ex told me that I really suck and am a huge bitch because I’m a CP. I told him it’s not something I can turn off and on like a light switch. And I did warn him. I told him this wouldn’t last or don’t get attached. But he “fell” for me and hard as states by him. CP amazes me really because I can be in the honeymoon stage then literally and figuratively cut the strings to any emotion I feel towards him. Although he isn’t the first or the last I try to warn them but it seems CPs are very dangerous when it comes to the heart. I don’t really want to change because it’s part of me, my personality. Maybe I am a total bitch. I am atheist but lord help whoever falls for me I pity them. I’ll never fall in love at this rate.
I am a CP big time. I broke many many hearts and created destruction and hurt around me. Yes: OK, we ARE BAD PEOPLE. Now can someone PLEASE give SOLUTIONS. When do we know we are in love and must STAY in the relationship? How do we manage the “phobic reflex” to “get out”. People who are NOT CP have NO idea of what they are talking about. WE SUFFER AT LEAST AS MUCH AS YOU DO!!!! Because YOU will be heartbroken, but eventually actually find a partner to build a life… WE live with guilt and anxiety and fear a life alone and miserable. Please help us find SOLUTIONS. Again: YES we know we create LOTS of hurting and confusion and all that – starting with ourselves! Now Give us solutions. Any CPs out there who found a way to break free of it??
This really hit my like a train. I was researching fear of commitment because it has gone through my mind a lot lately about myself. I have come to the final realization that I really fear commitment. It’s not because of my parents, though, because they were always good. I feel like a horrible person now 🙁 I want to get to the bottom of this. I am considering therapy. I am so tired of hurting people that I love.
Quite some time ago, it occurred to me that there was a distinct possibility I may have been a commitment-phobe. My relationships tend not to last longer than maybe three or four months, which has been a constant pattern for as long as I can remember up until now (29).
Entering into a relationship, I would begin with the best of intentions, thinking that perhaps I’d be in for the long haul and at times even fantasised about what life would be like in the future with a family. Despite these thoughts, slowly, but surely the cloud of doubt would always rear its ugly head within my mind. I would begin to analyse my partner, look for the good and bad to weigh up whether they were worth staying with. And historically, this has meant my relationships have all ended.
In late December 2014, I met with a girl who I have been friends with for a few years. Amusingly, we dated to begin with, but she called it off because she wasn’t ready at the time. We kept in contact over the years, but on that December, she asked me if perhaps I would like to try dating again.
I was both ecstatic and felt amazing having the opportunity to go out with someone who I considered both a good friend and potential long term partner. Over the next eight months, a few arguments broke out, ones that I always considered to be very silly yet escalated toward the “break up” conversation every time. To elaborate somewhat; she wished to spend more time with me than just for one day a week. Unfortunately my job was one that left me exhausted in the evenings during the week meaning that often I only felt like weekends were suitable.
I can understand that the natural evolution of any relationship involves both persons spending more and more time with each other; and as such a began to see her twice per week, mid week and the weekend.
I noticed I had begun to analyse our relationship thinking about whether I had made the right choice in dating this woman. With such close examination, it was possible to pick holes in every part of the relationships, and I began to surmise there was a distinct possibility she had some narcissistic traits. In my head, it felt that she was trying to control me, and at times that it was her way or the highway.
Of course, it is entirely possible that these things did exist and weren’t being exaggerated in my head; but of course I was in the midst of analysing her for reasons why we should not be together.
Shortly thereafter, we went on holiday together, which in my memory was a cherished experience. We enjoyed each other’s company that whole week. However, given i am a typical Northern Ireland man, I was more used to lower temperatures and in the beginning of the holiday, I struggled with the heat. It was at this time that my partner was feeling a little, how shall we say, randy to put it politely. Sadly, the heat was so hot that I could not entertain one of my favourite novelties in life which led to some modicum of silent treatment from my partner for an hour or two until she finally asked if I fancied her anymore. Of course I calmed her concerns and was completely honest that she was beautiful.
Since that holiday, we have had other arguments, one which she apologised for, and the other more recently being crossed wires over what time we would be going out for dinner. The latter resulted in both of is not seeing each other for the entire weekend, escalating toward another “break up” conversation which was had last night. She believed that we would be fine and just needed to change small things to make it work, I on the other hand thought there was more to it than that, and told her that for the first time, I did not know what I wanted, and had no inclination toward staying together or not; straight down the middle if you will.
We ended our relationship last night, and out of not wanting her to feel bad, I had said that it was not her but I. I was not comfortable on returning home that I had given her a good enough explanation, and wrote the following letter from the heart.
“I’ve been sitting here typing messages, deleting them entirely and re-writing them over and over. I don’t like the “it’s not you, it’s me” way that things were left; it’s both too common and such a crap way to explain myself. I had wanted to write this in a letter, but I’d prefer you saw it now than in a week.
I know in my heart that I do love you, and love our time together. When we first started going out, it was like all my wishes came together and I felt absolutely ecstatic and brilliant. That certainly didn’t change, and still hasn’t.
You once mentioned gremlins sitting on your shoulders, and I said it was insecurity to which you agreed.
I too, in honesty am insecure. Mine aren’t the same as yours would be. But instead ones that I think have been there for many years. Sometimes, I’m lucky and they are forgotten about completely, only to rear their ugly heads at in-opportune times.
We’d had a few words like any couple which, in our odd couple-fashion somehow escalated into something way bigger than they should ever have been. The first few times, we got over it fine and dandy. But on one occasion, my ‘gremlins’ made an appearance. And those are my commitment ones.
I fear giving my everything to someone. I grew up introverted, and managed to become extroverted. But those first set of years defined me at the core. I thought, “wouldn’t it be brilliant if I didn’t need anyone, if I could turn on and off as I pleased, and never feel hurt because of it”.
In the past, it’s worked very well. This time, it hasn’t. I couldn’t turn off at all, and I won’t be able to.
You and I going out reignited that little flame of hope and made me forget about the flame of doubt. We have had some of the most memorable times together I could ever care to have, or even wish to have. You are, pretty much the best woman I have ever dated in my entire life.
I wish, and would upon a star that I had the foresight to know that my commitment gremlins had not died out completely. I wish I could change my personality overnight just for you so this never happened. I wish my mind wasn’t such a screwed up mess at times.
Yes, we had our problems, and maybe I overanalysed them far too much. I may still have reservations about you thinking that the only problem was us spending more time together as you thought, and perhaps we may never agree on the culminating reasons that brought us here. But, sitting here thinking, I believe you deserve the right to know what I couldn’t seem to put into words very well.
Maybe, I may change for the better. Maybe I may not. But the point of this message is, to tell you what you already know. You are an amazing woman, AFFAA really does not do you justice. Such a woman really does deserve everything, and sadly I cannot seem to give it. Never change yourself Ashleigh, you’re every man’s dream, Achilles heel and Juliet.
I’m sorry I could not be what you wanted me to be.
You’ll always be loved, and our times together will always be cherished. And despite me not being able to change and this being my doing, you’ll always be missed.
With all my love,
Steve”
Now, I sit in work constantly preoccupied with whether I’ve done the right thing or not. And question if it is possible that a commitment-phobic mind exaggerated the bad things in the relationship, or perhaps we just had clashing personalities.
I write this message to you all as I believe this posting does speak some truth, but we are not all spinners of deceit, and some of is truly want to be able to be with someone. It saddens me to say that my personality has potentially led me to this point where I have now lost a best friend and partner all at the same time.
Yes, the thought of commitment fills me with dread, and sometimes I don’t know why I cannot continue in a relationship. I do know that whilst i was much younger, I began to build and fortify my emotions with barricades and barriers when I used to be bullied at school; though a farcry from the man and personality I have now. Then, I was on steroids for a misdiagnosis meaning I put on weight and was shorter than my peers. Today I’m in reasonable shape and well over 6 foot.
At age 20, my father committed suicide which further bolstered my wishes to develop an “off switch” to emotions, and it did work very well. These culminating factors have led me to develop a strong personality that is not easily downtrodden, I tend to be very laid back and do not worry about anything. I guess I’m explaining a bit of my past because it isn’t always family history that leads individuals to such a path, sometimes it is just a set of unfortunate circumstances.
In a way, I’d love to change my ways to feel like I need to rely and trust someone, but it other ways, I feel I’m strong and do not wish for such a trait to be broken.
Fear is not a word I would liken to why I don’t take the plunge, perhaps it is merely stubbornness. Though sometimes, just sometimes when I sit to reminisce and and contemplate life in general, and the events that led me to this juncture, I feel broken.
Am a teenager and I must admit it for the first time.. This whole article describes me perfectly ! There’s no freaking way I can share my feelings and emotions with anyone whatsoever ! Even my best friends don’t know a thing about what’s inside me, many guys have asked me out and tried to get close to me, but once I notice them getting attached to me or about to ask me to be in a relationship I just completely forget about the person I never ever get in touch with him again and I never care about their feelings whether they got hurt or not it just doesn’t matter to me!and there’s that guy that I don’t think he has any feelings for me, I’ve been in love with him for two years he’s the only one I’ve ever loved and wanted that much and I guess it’s just because I could never get him to like me back :/ it kills ! I’m always accused by EVERYONE as aloof careless heartless relaxed teen girl but I’m not ! I need help so bad but I just can’t be vulnerable or emotionally close to anyone I know ! I really need to see a therapist I don’t wanna grow up and be a CP adult !I wanna love someone and feel loved back for once in my life 🙁
I actually feel relieved as I have been feeling this way all my life, my family are scared I will be alone for the rest of my life but I have never minded being on my own (I have a dog), Although I have hurt a really good friend lately and now my parents are going to want to know what has happened so I will have to come out and tell them once and for all that I am A CP. but not to blame themselves as I feel it was a couple of relationships I had when I was around 16-18 that started me on this path, I also feel that I conditioned myself to not feel hurt after being hurt and its spiralled out of control. I too don’t want to be pressured in to marriage, kids etc because that is the way of the world. So many things to think about in life so it feels so much easier to stay on my own with my pet dog who doesn’t ask for more than to be fed, watered, walked and cuddled.
Steve I completely agree with you in that it isn’t just familial instances that cause one to become CP but in fact it can also have to do with life instances. Being from the South in the states, I grew up being very conservative and always dreamed of having a family and being a stay at home parent. I began getting bridal magazines at the age of 13 and imagined a fairy tale wedding. I had no clue who I would marry but the planning was long in effect. I got married at the age of 21. I didn’t know what love really was, I guess I didn’t anyway. Im still unsure. I know of love as compassion, deeply caring, and sacrifice. Mostly sacrifice as I saw my mother the same way. It was an emotionally abusive marriage. I do know with all my heart he didn’t intend on being that way, it was just the way he was raised. I felt like I was in a hole I couldn’t get out of. I even hoped he would cheat on me or put his hands on me just so I could have a way out. When I began to see it affect my son thats when I was done. Years later. My marriage wasn’t the only thing that contributed to my fears though. I lost grandparents and a father to cancer between the ages of 13-23. While I’m extremely strong and not emotional really (I sort of just take life as it comes because you actually get to a point you just become desensitized) I’ve noticed a pattern with how no one really sticks around. Even when I’ve attempted at dating. I’m pretty laid back and very genuine. Overtime though Ive noticed how I push away before it even begins. I say things like ” I don’t date” or ” Im career focused and have no time to devote.” Which technically is true. I don’t drag people along whatsoever, Im completely honest!!! for some reason that makes men even more interested in the catch; however due to my resolve I’ve never been an option for anyone. I cannot sacrifice for anyone besides my son. I know that most people are looking for the white picket fence life. Ive got my boy I’m good. Everyone I’ve “dated” since the marriage wants something more from me. My child is first and my future career. I feel guilty when I’m unable to give someone what they want so its so much easier and less mentally draining on me to be alone. Ive been so very happy actually. However; theres one the first one in so long that meets me half way. Its only in beginning stages but I know without a shadow of a doubt I’d never have to worry about anything, ever! He wants a family and children. As far as I was concerned Id never get remarried and I’m just perfectly fine with my boy. However, I didn’t start out by telling him my fears. I didn’t tell him I don’t date or do relationships or that I didn’t want kids. I kept thinking to myself ” why is he the first one I’m not immediately pushing away” I still don’t know. After seeing him the other night I came home and prayed that God would give me peace of mind. That I know he’s amazing and I know he’d be great for me and my son. The only thing that will screw it up is my fear of committing. When I thought about committing in the past I literally would get nauseous and panic almost. I don’t struggle with those things on a daily basis so I recognized my fears. It truly has nothing to do with the person you’re dating. Its past issues. I still feel a sense of fear even with this one not because of him but this “idea” I guess that has formed in my subconscious of how all relationships end up. I won’t give my life away like I did before because now I have my son to worry about. I know with this new guy i wouldn’t be giving my life away, id be sharing my life. I have to focus on that. Im confident in him and a future relationship with him. Its me who needs to focus on conquering my fear. I pray for all of you that deal with the same issues and those of you who have the patience to be with someone who has fears of commitment.
i need help. im not sure if im a commitment phobe or if im just not in love with a very sweet, beautiful woman ive been seeing for five years. i just turned 30 and felt a bit like i have been in a transition period – about 5 days ago i had a massive panic attack when i thought about continuing a long term relationship with this woman – i have only been in two other serious relationships, the first one was when i was 19 and i was deep in love (my first) but she ended it after two years, i was heartbroken. we were not a good fit and i see that now, we argued and i was a very jealous person. the second relationship lasted about a year, i dated a girl i went to university with and i ended it for what i feel were the right reasons. After that i met my current partner and she basically moved in after the first date. i had my doubts (it wasnt love at first sight) at the time but we got along well and i trust her 100% she is such a lovely, sweet person – we dont fight or argue and have maintained a relatively content and comfortable existence ever since. then just the other day when i turned 30 and suddenly started getting anxious – was i really in love with this person? ive been having panic attacks and im extremely afraid of both staying together and it not working out and dragging her through it all and ending the relationship and hurting her. i dont know what to do, i have recently sought therapy and am committed to doing the right thing by both her and i, but i dont know what that is. i suspect it might be a fear of commitment as my parents split about 5 years ago and i found out my father had been having affairs the entire relationship (something i had suspected even at a much younger age). but then again maybe i have just let a relationship go on that i shouldve ended a while ago, im so confused. this really sucks, i dont want to hurt this person as i care deeply for them and i dont want to maintain the relationship if it is simply because i am afraid of being lonely as that is selfish. i dont know if this is love or not. one day i feel like we can make it work and the next i question everything and it makes me extremely anxious. i cant think about anything else for long, as this battle in my head keeps popping up and distracting me. i lose my appetite and cant sleep. i have been staying with my mother to try and get my mind right and have left her in limbo wondering what the hell is going on. she doesnt deserve this and i have to fight to not contact her and try to take the pain away by making her feel okay. this is her first serious relationship and im afraid of ruining her life. she is 29 and i fear im wasting her time. i have felt like there was something missing from the relationship, some kind of ‘spark’ but i wonder if this is some kind of subconscious emotional wall i have put up as some of the symptoms of commitment phobia ring true to me – and i have been hurt in the past. but then again maybe this just isnt the right relationship and ive been so afraid of hurting her ive let the relationship continue. the worst part is that this wasnt an issue a few days ago and if it was it was way in the back of my mind and we were fine, i was happy. i think i love her as i care about her so much it hurts and i worry for her but im not sure im “in” love with her. i just want to do the right thing.
I think this applies to me,especially as I have OCD.Went out with a guy when I was younger,thought I fancied him,then stopped taking his calls.He tried to get back with me,and I went back out with him and then I disappeared.First serious boyfriend I asked to move in with and then when he suggested it went off the idea.He did pressure me where to move into mind.Lastly,my most current relationship I really wanted him to come and live with me from abroad and have now gone cold on the idea.Didn’t have an abusive childhood,but did see bad fights between my parents at times,but don’t all parents fight.
Thank you for your share.
I am a phobic commitment female in a 5 year relashionship with a guy that I love but from whom I am constantly trying to run away from. It can be really hard at times to deal with the frustration and guilt you feel constantly and I think we are confused several times by others with being an egoic selfish human being. It is not that simple. This causes real pain and being conscious and open about it your partner is important.For me, yoga, meditation and therapy has worked, Good luck for all the Commited Phobics. We are in this together !
I have spent my life in long but turbulent relationships due to intense fear of settling. In an ironic twist I was recently given a taste of my own poison and it opened my eyes wide to what it is like to be involved with someone like me. I know some of you have complained how much you suffer, but believe me it is way harder on the other side. It makes you feel crazy, worthless, angry, bitter, suicidal and that’s just WHILE it’s going on. Later, when they leave, you just want to disappear and live in a hut on an obscure Greek Island.
I’m convinced this is partly a cultural phenomena that is perpetuated by media. We are told from day one “you need a new car, a bigger house, a job that you love, a partner that completes you”. You are not allowed to be satisfied. You are guilted into feeling dissatisfied with that shit box you drive, that humble apartment,the job that pays the bills, the nice girl who you have a good time just watching old movies with. “No way, loser, you need to improve yourself.” Settling is the greatest evil you can perpatrate against a consumer driven society. Why would this NOT show up in our relationships? We’ve been conditioned since birth with this nonsense and it’s making a lot of us feel isolated, disenfranchised, lonely, and of course, unsatisfied.
I’m a fifty year old woman and always knew there was something wrong I always was in awe of people who stayed in relationships even when it seemed doomed. I on the other hand was always dishing out advice to my friends about their husbands /boyfriends because I was so clued in to what was going on because I was single and playing the field I now have two kids a 21 and a 15 yr old but I’m single I am a good mum because my parents were not… We were shown no love and in all honesty my parents should never have had kids. religion and strictness ruled our lives, my mother was the worst my dad died at fifty I was twelve and the youngest of four girls. I am lost, in so much need of love and commitment and a really good hug but no I’m too strong too independent and the moment they show commitment it feels like I’m being strangled told what to do and I flip and I’m alone again. I have not had a relationship in over four years but someone is showing interest again I have up until this point used the pollution of my relationship with my kids as a wall against commitment but my eldest has moved out for college with his girlfriend (thank god no cp issues there)and my youngest will be next. I live in a small village so if you screw up they have something else to talk about… I think my commitment issues go as far as friends as well… I’m exhausted being so independent I wish for a committed relationship it makes me so very sad
@anxiousguy: I had something similiar to you. After therapy for 3 months, I decided it was for the best to let her go. Which was very hard. Today she is fine dating someone else. I was told in therapy “I was committed to a relationship I didn’t want to commit to” – meaning I was trying too hard against myself. In the end, I felt better about this thought: that if it were meant to be, it would work out in the end. If you have little experience with relationships, big ones can just seem to pass the time and then when the other partner wants more you feel unprepared because you didn’t know you were supposed to be building something into something more. You may have been in 3 or 4 relationships, but deeply intimate ones where you set boundaries, know what you are progressing towards, and love the person like you don’t know where they came from but you are blessed. You will be alright my friend. Keep up the good work in therapy, it’s a good thing to do. Meditation and prayer helps majorly as well. The fact that you care about her means you care about yourself. Don’t forget to love yourself (forgive yourself) for learning as you go along in life. Cheers mate. Namaste~
The reasons why I fear commitment are I’ll have to trade off all of my desires and be selfless.
I try not to give any label. I want commitment but when I got it I also got beaten up, blamed, locked in and black eyes. All was a control issue. If 2 people can’t work out domestics, like amiable roommates, then say goodbye.
Many guys have money issues mainly from not liking their job (who does) or at least not seeing money as a means for getting by for both parties. That has been a competition leading to controlling my money by destroying my property. ie not paying to replace. Red Alert. NOT Healthy, NOT friendly.
Even when you find someone who lights your candle, turns out I do not light his!!! Unrequited Love really hurts. Like the lady with the dog, I get pure friendship and mutual neediness with my fluffy friends. Danger there is that they not live as long as me, so just do the best by them and find another needy little soul when their time is over. So many men like the company of other men and only dabble with women. I am older now, so maybe they connect with me like a mother, but where is the father figure I need? Nowhere.
If he shows no care, then shrug shoulders, as Buddhists say – all life is suffering – wait for the pain to reduce, cry and get angry if necessary but find a physical outlet, (I play drums) or go running, gym or swimming. Is it not our sexual energy (life-force/kundalini) driving our need for love. If this can be sublimated and directed elsewhere then depression can be minimalised.
God Bless (and help fellow man) x
This post was extremely helpful. The man I have been seeing for over a year is a CP and I realised that a few months ago. He checks of most of the boxes, but yet there are some big ones he hasn’t. For example, he’s introduced me to his friends and family without hesitation. But he doesn’t like titles, he is hot and cold with his moods, his ADHD doesn’t help. I left my ex to be with him because it was so hard not to be with him. At this point I don’t regret being with him, but it is difficult when things just seem to stop or he disappears, and I’m left feeling confused. I try so hard not to expect anything of him, but he’s the only one that has really been around, and has protected me. He agrees he is a CP, and I’m the complete opposite when it comes to him. Its getting more difficult now, and I don’t know what to do. Do you ever just get that feeling that there is something that is not near finished yet? I’ve told him I’m open to talking about anything, and he said he doesn’t want to talk about things. Three months ago he was talking about making a bigger step so I invited him as my plus 1 for my dads wedding. Up until a week before everything was fine, and then he disappeared for over two months. Then on my first girls night out in a long time I saw him again drinking alone. My friend confronted him saying he needs to give my mind a rest and just get some balls and be honest with me. He talked to me later and apologised and told me how he should have told me it was too big a step. I told him I understand that but I just wish I wasn’t made a fool of. He kept sending me drinks all night until I went over and said thank you for the drinks, and things went back on. We are both trying to hold back and take it slower, but its difficult when so many people, even his friends, say we were made for each other because of how open we are around each other. Before the new year he said we would talk about making things official and he would call me his girlfriend. But this talk has been getting put off for three weeks now. I want this to happen. I just hope he realises I wont wait around forever. During the two months I had a miscarriage, he doesn’t know about that and I don’t want him to know. Him knowing will just turn serious again and might make him bolt. But that made me realise how serious seeing a CP is, and how much of a toll it can take, especially when you go through something like that alone. If anyone has any advice please don’t hesitate. Things just go so well when we are together, but I think it is when we are apart he realises and it freaks him out.
I met this amazing man in October of this year and he completely swept me off my feet. I fell in love with him and fast. I did not realize he was a commitment phobe until recently after I told him I loved him and he told me he could not love me back, that there was no future for us, and that I was better off. I love him. I cant help that. He really hurt me and I took it out on him pretty harshly, I said how dare he allow me to fall in love with him and have a relationship with me if he never seen a future. He told me it was okay to be upset over losing someone you really cared about he did too. I feel stuck because he has pushed me out of his life saying he does not feel the same about me, the day after he told me he couldn’t wait to see me and how I was this amazing girlfriend. I didnt understand and I was so mad at him for breaking my heart. It all seemed so cruel to me, and I didnt know what I did to deserve it. Reading all of this just makes me realize he has this fear, and I just made him feel 10x worse because I didnt know. I feel terrible for him, and for myself. It has only been 7 days since he broke it off and despite how much he hurt me, I miss him and I wish I could help him, but he wants me to move on. It is just sad. I will always love this man, he was the best thing to ever happen to me, by far.
What are the solutions for a CP ?
I am cp. .myself. I didnt know. Y i am. .?? But now i know. Thank u for this.its. .d cold and silent and. Sometimes fighting. Atmosphere of my home. .wen i was young my mom didnt care for me much..didnt make me feel safe. Or loved.my father. . Well. .he is a angry person. .speaks. .in an angry manner over the smallest of things. .dats all. .i think. .dats. Y. .i am a cp
He told me to be patient with him and before the end of the conversation, he said he will be there for me for whatever but he just could not give me the relationship I so desire. He said he’s not ready for that and far from being ready. He does the disappearing act and seems to pop up at the right time…exactly when I feel I need to move on. I thought it was something about me because I’m a big girl. I think he knows that he has my heart. I don’t know what it is about him that I can’t bring myself to be totally done with him. So I have been looking and researching for ways to handle the situation because I know I can’t get over him and this is a lesson for myself as well. What I’ve found is that I need to be patient, give him space, never use words like future and forever or it will send him heading for the hills. It also suggest loving in the moment. After reading the post, I had to come to terms that I am a love addict and me learning to be patient with him is teaching me to be patient in general. I know if it doesn’t work with him, it’s preparing me for a possible next potential. Wanting the love and affection that I give is scaring them off.
I stumbled across this site today and I feel like cp is true for me too. I check a lot of the boxes, I grew up with parents who never expressed even an incling of emotion/ physical love in front of me. And I’ve had strong feelings for a friend I’ve know from highschool for about 7 years.. I’ve always liked him but I always said he was never my type and stuff so I pushed my feelings aside. 3 years ago we started seeing each other and hanging out and talking a lot but when he asked me out I backed out of it the next day because I felt stifled I thought it was just that he wasn’t the right guy for me and that I never really loved him. He ended up moving away for his job but We kept in contact and continued to talk almost everyday, about everything. He was always there for me and I loved chatting to him he was my best friend and support system. Last week I ended up admitting feelings for him again because we’d been chatting more than usual since the beginning of the year. He said he’s always felt the same and then that he wanted to move to my city for me and find a job here. This stressed me out so much to the point that I couldn’t sleep and so I lied and said I had confused my feelings for him and didn’t feel that way about him. The next day he deleted my contact and ended the friendship – a friendship we’ve shared for 7 years. I am devastated and don’t know what to do. I care about him the most and have honestly been struggling with the fact of whether I truly love him or not i definitely have feelings for him that are more than a friend. It hurts me so much to know that I ruined this friendship and probably scarred him forever. I’m scared that now I let go of the person that I’m meant to be with. I cannot look at other couples or listen to certain songs. And now this commitment phobia thing which also seems like something I have is scarring me because I don’t want to be the instigator of vicious cycles and hurt.. So if there is anyone out there who has solutions please share.
from heidi in Germany – commitment phobia happens everywhere – the worst thing is to be exposed – even worse is a misidentified circumstance like commitment phobia – or like men or women, who can’t love – I married a stalker in Houston – since it was an arranged marriage – I was in a trap for decades – then I met Jerry – Jerry and I became friends first – Jerry would say “Heidi, be good” – Jerry had a multiple personality, his office blamed me – Jerry once said, that I have bad taste in men – really ! feelings (can be infatuation or disgust) never rehearse – sooner or later there will be doubts – well, divorces are expensive, misidentified circumstances even more. the last curtain ?
Dating a person with a fear of commitment (with me not knowing it at the time) was and still remains to be a devastating experience for me even two months later. Mainly because at the time I had no clue about what was happening. While I have made great progress and understand now that I was the source of his anxiety, I am still day by day picking up shattered pieces of my self-esteem. It is emotionally devastating to begin to trust another person and to begin to develop feelings for them as they provided constant reassurance they will be there for the long term. I believed every word that was said and as soon as I became comfortable was when I believe the pull away phase of the relationship started. The calls, dates, and overall warmness/compassion seemed to change overnight. It was like I was dating a completely different person which gradually forced my anxieties and insecurities to come to the surface. I began to pick myself apart, wondering if I said something wrong on our last date or if I was no longer pretty enough or interesting enough to him. I can now look back and understand he did this to protect himself, to protect himself from getting hurt again. Yet at the same time to be on the receiving end of this is like being emotionally run over by a train or pushed off from the top of a building. Right when you are beginning to trust and even experience the early stages of love/imagining a future with this person; they are planning a way out. Within a matter of a few months, this person that would hold my hand across the dinner table, speak about a future together, and promise they would never hurt me ultimately broke a piece of me emotionally that will still take many months for me to heal.
I feel very sad for the both of us. I feel bad for him because I know he didn’t mean to intentionally do this to me; yet he pushed a person away who would have always been loyal to him and loved him; he pushed someone out of his life who would have been able to show him what a loving, stable relationship can be like. For me, it has been and will continue to be a long healing process for me to be able to trust and date with confidence again.
I miss him so much. I just wish he would talk to me. Heading towards two months of no contact I guess it is safe to say there will be no happy ending for us. I think there will always be a small part of me for years to come that will never be able to quite forget about him and think from time to time what could have been had he been able to get past his fears.
I have read your horror stories and I can so relate with what you are all going through.
He is a commitment phobic and it dawned on me after reading this article, when i found out about his affairs with other women, I was up & ready to leave, he drew me back in with, “please do not leave me, i will hurt bad if you go,” and “You are the best thing that has happened to me,” and when I stayed, gave him conditions of my staying with him, he broke each of the conditions, and has now gone silent, playing chase, and is acting disinterested.
Now, is this the kind of trauma that will make me resent all male species and make me a commitment phobic as I am currently questioning my ability to get involved with anyone else?
Most women that are still Single will definitely have trouble Committing especially since so many women that have a Career now are more Focused on their Careers.
I too had a partner who did a 180 almost overnight. She told me so many things to make me think that we were solid and long term and then in a flash, she’s pulls away like I didn’t mean anything to her. I feel the need to remind myself of the things she said just so I don’t feel like I’m losing my mind. How can these people turn on a dime? it’s just insane and so damaging. How do we ever trust again?
Well, about 2 weeks ago, I broke up with my cp who I had been seeing for almost a year. We had all the tell tale signs of a cp relationship. The not calling one another, saying we would call, then don’t. Never been to eachother’s home or met eachother’s friends. I am also a cp, but am learning to change. It took ALOT of self work to understand why I could not fully commit to anyone. My former cp boyfriend is a police detective and has seen alot of bad things in his career, He also had a father that I suspect was overbearing and too physical in discipline. Anyway, I feared telling him that I fell in love with him, but I could no longer be in a stagnant relationship. We weren’t moving forward and growing as healthy relationships do, so I let him know. The incident that was the last straw was his mother was in the hospital and he texted me saying he was just getting ready to leave her. Sooooo, I called him to find out details about her condition. He didn’t answer his cell. I texted him 2 more times that night never heard from him. It was common for him to disappear for a day and not speak or text. I was also guilty of it. Anyway, He didn’t say he loved me when I told him how I felt. It hurt, but I needed that to happen. If after a year he can’t have a loving relationship with me… it’s time to move on. I love him and always will, but I love myself too now and I deserve someone who can make me feel special and important as I now have the ability to love someone. I know how to give myself to them and to show them with my actions how important they are to me. Once experiencing a cp, you know what to look out for and how to see the person who IS trustworthy of having your heart
I fell in love with a CP 3 years ago. He broke up with me a month ago because he knows he is unwell and I deserve more than what he can give.
I hate him so much for hurting me the way he did, being so passionate and loving in the beginning and then making me feel like all my flaws were visible, on the surface of my skin every day.
I want him to recover, for his sake and so he never hurts someone like he hurt me again.
About 20 years ago, I went to university in a city where I didn’t know anyone.
I’ve always needed and enjoyed having friends around me so I was feeling quite lonely and vulnerable. I hadn’t been in a relationship for several years prior to going and the few relationships I had, had were invariably ended by the person I was seeing. I was therefore, overjoyed when I started seeing a very pretty lady who was five years older than me.
The lady in question, at the age of 32, had been lived with someone and been divorced twice. Apparently all these men had abused her in someway, either emotionally or in one case physically. This should have a warning to me but naively I promised her that I was going to be the one to make things better.
As our relationship progressed and I fell deeper and deeper in love – deeper that I ever have before. Unfortunately at that time the arguments started – it was like I could never do anything right. She kept on coming up with reasons why we shouldn’t be together and kept on coming up with reasons why we should. It is only now that I’ve realized that she must have been commitment phobic. After a while, the constant emotional abuse wore me down so much that I started feeling very anxious around her in case I upset her and unleashed another tirade which in turn used to upset me greatly.
After a while, although I still loved her (or at least I thought I did, I was very, very confused), the anxiety I felt around her started to get worse when she was being nice to me???
I ended up finishing the relationship. The backlash she gave me for betraying her, was beyond any conception of hatred I had encountered before. The guilt she made me feel was unbearable.
Every relationship I’ve had since, has always ended with me, out of nowhere, feeling horribly, horribly anxious with vicious, ice cold, butterflies churning in my stomach. I simply can’t bear the feeling so I end the relationship.
Just three days ago I’ve now discovered that it has got so bad that I can’t even get through a first date with out feeling anxious – I really, really, liked the woman I was with.
As I said, I hate the thought of being alone (at the moment I’m living with family, but that can’t last for ever). I fear I’m going to be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life.
Please can anyone give me a reason not to feel so dis-paring?
Probably the worst thing you can do is get involved with a CP.
I was with one twice (same guy). First time around I had no clue what even happened. I was completely convinced I had done something. He went from calling me daily, planning dates, acting like a bf figure, to completely cutting me off, being short with me through texts, no phone calls, refused to see me. I deleted his number.
Over a year later he came back. He apologized profusely. Told me he had cut everyone out of his life back then, was getting help for himself. The only reason I gave him a second chance was because of his apology and because he said he had worked on himself. A significant amount of time had passed so I decided to take a shot.
Well as they say, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. He did the same thing. Again. To a T. Calling, texting, going on dates, a road trip, we got close, intimate, BAM. Gone.
This time I forced it out of him. I made him explain himself. There was no way he was doing this to me again. Said he felt like he was in a cage. Being in something real made him have panic attacks, where he had tightness in his chest. Thought he could handle something, but he was wrong. That he’s done being with people, period.
At least he acknowledges that he shouldn’t be with anyone. Said he didn’t have great experiences in therapy so he wasn’t going back. No one who is a CP should date anyone. The damage it does, what he did to me, TWICE, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It brings out even your most dormant, subconscious insecurities. Makes you feel like you’re crazy, inadequate, worthless, like a pile of garbage. That you’re not worth any effort, not worthy of love, commitment, and that you’re stupid beyond belief for even attempting anything with these people, and what the hell is wrong with you that you didn’t see the red flags?
Being with a CP made me realize that I can’t even trust myself. How could I have done this? Twice? I’m staying intentionally single now. CP’s put you through the ringer and the horrible emotions, and the ups and downs, pushing and pulling… I guess the only thing worse than dating a CP is actually being one. I couldn’t even imagine.
I have decided that I am a commitment-phobe I’ve recognized it I’ve been searching for the reason and I finally just accepted the truth that’s what I am but not seeking help if I only knew which way to sleep
Yes I should have spell check LOL I am now seeking help so if you have a Direction for me I’m open to it
I am a CP. I have it in my genes, I have been divorced three times. I have been trying to break the habits and establish a strong lasting relationship with an incredible woman.
Unfortunately she is CP as well and may even be worse than myself. We met online and went on a few dates over a couple of months. The physical side and the emotional side was incredible. We agreed to become an exclusive couple and the relationship grew stronger, the physical side was amazing, the interpersonal side was amazing, it just couldn’t get any better. 6 weeks after we became exclusive she told me that we have grown too close too quick and we need to back off. She hasn’t spoken to me since.
CP is hard to deal with – both partners having CP is very hard to deal with but you get to the point where you want to overcome your phobia, you want to have that never ending relationship and you’re willing to sacrifice much to have a shot at it. If you both acknowledge your problem and you both want the relationship to work then put on your big boy pants and talk it through. There is going to be a lot of crap to deal with, and it is going to be damned tough but surely the end result is worth it. Recognize your problem and try your hardest to work through it. When you start to struggle talk about it. You may just end up happy and isn’t that what we all seek?
I cannot describe how true each and every word of this article was. Running away from prospective relationships has always been my thing..hiding my feelings ..denying the truth.. only to feel safe. If i do not open up i wont get hurt and thats what i have been doing..always.
Reading this article was like I wrote it myself. It described me perfectly. I didn’t know there was such a thing. I’ll admit I am dealing with CP. For the longest time I’ve been this way. It seems as if every person I get serious with I start finding everything wrong with them. I would find negatives in just about everyone. It is true that every person you meet will not be compatible but it seemed for me NO ONE was good enough. When things get too serious, I run. I will admit to some that I have commitment issues, or that I’m not someone they should get too serious with. To some I will play along, sell dreams basically, act as if I’m still happy. Brings me to my current situation. Have been in a distance relationship for two years. He’s older, he’s at the stage he’s ready to settle down, no more time for games. He’s perfect, he is everything a woman could ask for but I cannot get myself to commit. I’ve been single minded this whole relationship, selfish, lying, etc. I’m at the point where I feel it’s been too long, he’s my bestfriend, there’s nothing wrong with him it’s just me. I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t know how to tell him I’m at my point where I’m ready too leave, it’s pretty serious now. It’s so frustrating wanting to love, be in love, having the perfect one but “not feeling ready.” I think I’m going to be alone forever. I’m never gonna settle. I don’t even know if any of this makes sense. I just needed to slightly vent. Glad I know I’m not the only one.
I’m in love with a committment phobic person. Is there a way to hello then see if they avoid anything emotion based.
Reading this article was like I wrote it myself. It described me perfectly.
When I was younger at the ages of thirteen or so I had this guy I liked. Luckily he liked me too. But the moment he wanted to become my boyfriend I cut him off. After that at the age of fourteen I decided that I also wanted to have a boyfriend so I got one. But it only lasted for six days because once the novelty wore off I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I have spent most of my adolescent years avoiding boys in general because even having someone give me butterflies used to scare me.
The thing is though I like people who don’t like me. I love them in a way that I can’t love the people who feel that way about me. I always feared that I was afraid of relationships. I mean my longest one is eight months and that’s because it was long distance so when I didn’t want to talk I simply pretended I wasn’t available.
This long distance boyfriend came by some time last year and the moment I saw him I wanted to break up with him. He gave me far too many butterflies. And then I started finding all the imperfections with him. I scrutinised him so much I finally saw him as unworthy of me. Like we weren’t meant to be despite how much he understands me.
I am currently writing a book so I decided to google just so I could explain my character’s behaviour. I wasn’t sure that it was a real thing but now I know. And the sad thing is I can’t get any help for it so I’ll end up alone.
Because I know that no one will be perfect. No one will do.
Funny how I’m writing a romantic book with a happily ever after despite not seeing one for myself.
Thank you. I guess I also wanted to rant.
But I’m curious because a while back I was inlove with a guy who made me his sidechick (I think this is one of the reason I liked him so much. He wasn’t giving me a part of himself. Not really) but my question is do we want to conquer our conquests or do we not care if they create emotional bonds with us or not?
I recognise a lot of this in myself but I wasn’t always like this. I was married young for 19 years and we just grew apart. Then I met someone I really fell in love with but sadly after 14 years together she died quite quickly and painfully of cancer. It was the most painful experience of my life watching her slowly leaving me.
I think that was the trigger for my phobia. As soon as I get a certain closeness I seem to feel the anxiety and being trapped. My latest relationship has ended after a year and a few months of living together. I could not seem to bear having her things in my space. Then my behaviour and comments start to push her away. And now she is leaving I see her for what she is, very lovely and I am so sad and am going to be so lonely. I need to find a solution to this because I wasn’t always this way.