Transcribed from my video at www.youtube.com/askvictoria.
Tina wrote in about her husband who is an alcoholic who has graduated from beer to hard liquor and who persists in berating her and humiliating her. They have been married for 5 years and they have a 22 month old daughter and she does not want her growing up in that environment. She wants to know if her instinct to leave is premature.
Tags: marriage alcoholism addiction enabling abuse conflict adult children
We have a viewer question. This is to Tina, who wrote me about her alcoholic husband and herself, and whether she should leave him. Tina, first thing, my hat’s off to you; you’re a brave, courageous woman. Tina writes us that her husband is an alcoholic, who is graduating from beer to wine, and unfortunately is extremely abusive. He berates her; he belittles her; he humiliates her in front of his family, and in front of their 22-month-old daughter, which of course is a heart-break.
(0:47) Tina, I just want to say that leaving him is a good idea, especially if you are doing it within a framework in which you include some therapy, some twelve-step. Obviously he needs AA, but you on your own need Al-Anon. All twelve-step is wonderful, but you need to learn that you have been enabling him, and you need to teach him how to treat you, and Al-Anon can help you in that endeavour. If you don’t leave the situation in a controlled, deliberate way with therapy and twelve-step, the likelihood is that you’ll go back, and the situation will not change, will augment, and will sometimes turn violent, if it hasn’t already. He’s already verbally abusing you, and what’s stopping him from physically abusing you if you stay? Also, your daughter, left in that environment, is being set up to be an adult child of an alcoholic. I have many clients in my office who are adult children of alcoholics, and let me tell you, I don’t wish that fate upon anybody.
(2:00) These are traits of an adult child of an alcoholic: difficulty fulfilling your potential, trouble with boundaries or reaching out to anyone who reaches out to them, promiscuity. Adult children also suffer from deep low self-esteem. They’ve grown up in a volatile environment, they don’t know what’s coming at them next. There’s yelling, screaming, instability, a lot of unpredictability. This is a terrible environment for a child. And for you, as a woman, essentially you need to leave, and do it in a way such that you get therapy with your husband. The marriage isn’t necessarily doomed. This is a disease; it’s called alcoholism, a horrible disease that has progressed into hard liquor, which will become even more destructive to you and your family. You know all this (I’m not telling you anything you don’t know), but what I can affirm and support you on is whether you should leave, and the answer is yes. Leaving is a good idea. Get yourself and your daughter out of there, and get some therapy. Create some deal-breakers. Tell your husband that you will absolutely not be returning unless he stops drinking and gets help, twelve-step therapy, etc. That’s your deal-breaker, and stick with your deal-breaker. Drawing boundaries is the best and fastest way for you, a) to build your sense of self, b) to show your daughter that you are someone who’s worthwhile, and is treating herself as such, and she will emulate that. Children mimic what their parents do, so if your daughter sees that you stand up for yourself, I promise she will stand up for herself. That is such a wonderful gift you can give her.
(3:53) You don’t want to end up in a very co-dependent relationship. You’re already in a co-dependent relationship with this man, and that means that your sense of self will be at risk, and the integrity of your child’s sense of self will also be at risk. You have a good instinct; leaving is a good idea, but doing it in a controlled fashion is an even better idea. Teaching him how to treat you is essential right now. Anybody watching this video: you must teach people how to treat you. If you do not teach people this lesson, you leave yourself open to be treated in any old way. And if you’re in a relationship with an alcoholic, chances are you’re going to be treated like hell. You’re in control. You have the power. You have the will to get yourself out of that, to get some therapy, to get into twelve step. Understand that you have rights, that you’re a worthy, worthwile person and your beautiful daughter has the right to grow up in a stable, predictable environment. That is my answer, Tina. All who are watching, say a prayer for Tina, because she needs all of our support and unconditional good vibes. I’m with you, Tina, good luck and keep me informed if you can. Send me another question and I’ll put another video together for you. I’m thinking about you Tina. Bye for now.
Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy
