What is change? How do we achieve this illusive concept? How do we master going beyond what we have been taught to do repeatedly either because we saw it or because it was drilled in to us ad nausium? The thing I ask when a client enters my office is “What is not working for you in your life? What do you want to change?” The client is usually quick with a response. “I don’t know. What I do know is I want to be happy”. Or “I want feel different than I feel now.” Or “I want to have better relationships.” In order to truly illuminate where therapy may lead them, I say that therapy is not about changing who you are. It is about becoming more of who you are really. That is the authentic you before you had to armour yourself for protection and the authentic you that was there before you underwent a trauma that forced you into abandoning your true self which in turn led you to convince yourself that who you are is not ok.
Change requires three main elements:
1. Awareness to see with clarity what is truly going on.
2. Willingness to do whatever it takes to move into a shift..
3. Courage to face this sometimes immensely challenging process toward authenticity.
So often we carry with us heavy baggage from the past. Even though the baggage is from another time, it is what is often running the show. We have become so used to carrying this baggage that we do not fully realize it is even there. It is like an amputated arm that we are constantly feeling phantom pain from. An itch we cannot scratch.
A pain we cannot diminish. We sense it but we are not fully aware of it. When we look with depth at this baggage, we see that contents of the baggage are wrapped up in two clear and distinct voices or states of being that seem to beg for attention. One is the voice of the hurt child. The other is the voice of the critical parent. They seemingly have very adult like characterizations. We are adults after all. But upon careful inspection, the two are actually coming from the desperate voice of the child within. This child causes one to make unconscious auto pilot choices. The result is living life by default versus by choice. There is very little awareness.
It is important to know when one is in engaging in a life that is led by “the baggage”
Without awareness, change cannot occur.
When one is in the Hurt Child voice/state of being, this is what it looks like:
• Obsession with disease to please so they can be liked.
• Withdrawing from others without letting them know.
• Rebelliousness, temper tantrums (actually the hurt teenager stage!)
• Feeling the victim: “Why me? Poor me?”
• Fear based: panic, no trust or faith in life.
• Emotional manipulations based on “guilting” others into doing something for them.
• Taking people hostage with emotional blackmail.
• Falling apart so someone will take care of them
• Self-loathing. Low self-esteem. (Has experienced lots of criticism growing up)
• Defensiveness. Always feeling attacked.
• Blaming others. Not taking responsibility for one’s life, one’s own events.
• Feelings of “I am not enough. I didn’t get enough.”
• Focusing on the past. Living in regret.
• Not able to set clear boundaries. Allowing others invade their boundaries.
• Feeling “Life is unfair.”
When any one of these traits is active or is motivating one’s response to life, it usually means that the hurt child is running the show. And this means that a 4 or 5 year old child is running one’s life. The outcome often means poor decisions, reckless behaviour, rifts in relationships, projections on to people and a general feeling of low self esteem.
The critical parent on the other hand seems very mature, very adult like. But in reality the critical parent is the inferiority complex disguised in a superiority complex outfit.
When one is in the Critical Parent voice/state of being this is what it looks like:
• Judgmental
• Inflexible, rigid. “My way or the highway.”
• Everyone walks on eggshells around the critical parent.
• Focuses on “Coulda, Shoulda, Whoulda” . Allot of regrets.
• Ruled by the past but lives in the future.-Future worrying!
• Passive aggressive behaviours.
• Emotional manipulation through shaming and blaming others into doing it their way.
• Controlling behaviours. Over functioning. Care-taking. Enabling.
• Fear-based: panic, no trust or faith in life.
• Perfectionist. Intolerant.
• Taking people hostage with emotional blackmail.
• Bitter and ungrateful disposition.
• Low self-esteem although looks outwardly like there is a huge ego
• High expectations of others.
• No respect for clear boundaries, invading other’s boundaries.
• Righteousness
The reality about these two “voices” is that at one time or another we have all embodied them. We are all flawed and works in progress. Changing these dysfunctional states of being that create unhappiness requires that one invoke profound awareness, willingness and courage so that it all can be processed and neutralized. It is important to know that when a person takes on the one voice, they are attracting the other voice into their life. So when the hurt child is present, this automatically calls out like a beacon to a critical parent to come into their life. And vice versa. I so often hear about the belligerent boss invading the shy and fearful employee. Or the helpless person looking to be saved by a parental figure. These are examples of the hurt child and the critical parent in action enmeshed with one another.
Look around, it is everywhere and shows up in various relationship dynamics. One parentifying the other. One infantilizing the other. One state of being feeds on the other. The hurt child attracts the critical parent to itself (and vice versa) like a magnet.
The only way to break this symbiotic loop of this dysfunctional dynamic and thus create change in one’s life is to seek to shift the behaviour with deep focus and intention When we know better we do better says Maya Angelou.
If awareness is present then the loop can be broken and the learning can begin sooner than later. The shift from blind repetition can move toward neutralizing the patterns.
The three elements I mentioned earlier are invoked and change is created.
Awareness + willingness + courage = change.
Once the three elements are in place a way out of this back and forth trap of these two mutually attracting archetypes is opened. We unearth the Balanced Adult Voice/state of being. This is the innate part of us that is unaltered when uncovered. One needs to call deeply upon it.
You know you are in your Balanced Adult voice/state of being when the following elements are in place:
• One is non judgmental.
• Allowing people to be themselves.
• One is accepting of what is.
• Present day focused and oriented.
• Trusts in the process of life. Has faith and trust.
• Deals with adversity by seeing the larger picture. Asks:” What is the lesson for me here?” (I call this transcendence thinking)
• One takes responsibility for one’s self in all aspects.
• Drawing clear boundaries and sticking to them.
• Commits to not enabling the hurt child or the critical parent in others.
• Is compassionate yet not a caretaker.
• Encourages others to care for themselves.
• Quiets the mind often and listens to one’ own divine guidance.
• Honours the self. Listens to one’s own needs.
• Is authentic.
• Has focused, clear, laser beam intentions in life
• Positive, buoyant attitude.
• Action vs. reaction oriented
• Believes that life is supportive.
• Grateful.
Stepping into this empowered adult voice does not happen overnight. It is a process that evolves from a deep, repetitive practice of calling forward the balanced adult voice. The first steps begin with parenting oneself in compassionate ways. One begins to feel safe which in turn encourages the true authentic self to blossom. This is the way for the child to stop wanting to control and to stop wanting to run the show any more. The child gets to relax and be set free as the balanced adult steps up to manages the store. The critical parent voice also slowly tends to retreat once it feels there is some order and it is not being threatened.
This is golden in the process that allows us to move beyond the elements that limit our growth. It brings us into healthy interrelationships with other people and allows the opportunity to step into our greatness and into our authentic self. This, I believe, is our job on the planet.
Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy
I recognize myself as the Hurt Child voice/state of being. I am in a unique situation. Due to health and financial reasons, I live with my mother who is an overly critical and narcissistic person. I have tried, all my life, to please her and to get the same love that she gave freely to my siblings to no avail. I am never good enough, what I do is never enough, I don’t get the praise I seek, I am treated differently than my siblings.
My father is controlling and critical. He gives his opinion and what he calls ‘advice’ on everything including things he has no first hand knowledge of. His advise is actually a disguised order. If you don’t take the ‘advise’ he gets critical, insulting and calls me names. Having a conversation with him often proves impossible as he will either leave the house or hang up the phone when he’s done listening.
The situation is that I have no options for alternative living arrangements, I have 6 year old daughter who is witness and subjected to this behavior and treatment as well and I simply don’t know what to do considering that angering either parent may well result in us not having a place to live.
I’m all for healing as I’m quite done feeling awful about myself and watching history repeat itself with my daughter and parents, but when I am unable to leave the presence of either parent, when I have no other alternatives for a home, what can be done?
sir, you written very good article , but there is duality and polarity ,you have to accept both , judgmental and non judgmental, caretaking and non care taking , and after healed accepting duality concept in life.these are 3rd dimension lessons please note it and accepting as whole being that is concept off being and adult and divine being.you cant remain in one position you have to accept all your personality as parts off your and that makes you whole being.
I believe everyone has their own mental illness some hide it well others do not or cannot, but you will not find the help you need in these antipsychotic toxic chemicals that the psychs. Are putting into your body all they do is make you violent or suicidal or sleepy and in the end you wind up weighing 400lbs and totally dependent on others. While the drug companis are making billions off an illness that can’t even be properly diagnosed such as influenza or cancer. Not to mention the psychiatrist who has you believing you are really sick and you must take this medication or you’ll be like this forever I think with the proper therapy and herbal medications plus minerals and vitamins most will fair alright
And don’t forget exercise,proper nutrition is as important to the body adit is to the brain.
We all suffer from some firm of mental illness or another. And the danger comes from institutionalizing someone who just has drug or alcohol problems and shooting them up with haldol a nd the they get akithisia wher you become extremely violent or Suicidal to yourself and others.