We live in a culture in which codependency seems to be normalized.  The very relationships that are labeled as nice, healthy and very common in the media are in many occasions unhealthy, over enmeshed and compromised of freedom and joy.  Instead, as we scratch below the surface what is seen are patterns of unhappiness stemming from deep manipulation including lying to self and deception of the partner, toxic guilt and shame, and worst of all, resentment and deep unhappiness later in the relationship.   This does not only apply to love relationships but also to parent-child, siblings, coworkers, friendships and boss-employee. All relationships have the potential to be codependent in nature.   It is important to look at the road that may have lead a relationship from profound ebullient love or getting along great  to deep resentment and eventual break up.  The break up may not be physical but it will be emotional. This is a deeper parting that creates trauma and profound pain amoung the participants in the entanglement. They usually stay in the connection far too long but are profoundly unhappy when the disease of codependency is in full swing.

The most common thread in a codependent relationship is that one or both in the partnership consistently do not make themselves a healthy priority in the relationship. Self is second to the other. This sounds like a desirable state of being given our Judeo Christian roots as a culture. But the reality is that this type of extreme undermining of self in favour of the other, never lands in a good place.  The self esteem of one or both is deeply compromised in that it rises and falls based on the other person’s mood, tone, need, disposition or actions. When encountering such volatile emotions, the codependent finds themselves trying to predict or circumvent the changing landscape. This is ultimately extremely crazy making for all.  No one has a real grasp on what their true feelings are. The “disease to please” pattern is deeply held and all encompassing in the very matrix of the connection.

Where does it begin?

Those wrapped in the pattern of hyper awareness of the other’s needs as a main preoccupation has come about honestly. They have learned very early in their life that they need to tune into to the other person and their needs or there will be consequences. This messaging comes about through growing up in a type of environment in which they needed to perform in order to have love or attention. At three months to 2 years old, our sensing into our environment is very acute.  This is a time that our needs are the main priority of the relationship. Whatever we need and want ought to be top of the list. So if a child senses that those needs are not being given to them in the way that they need them to be given, they unconsciously begin questioning if they deserve to be tended to. They become apathetic and disconnected toward their own needs. A “Why bother asking” feeling comes about. On the one side of the spectrum they want to take up very little space and air time so as not to “bother” the parent.  They may observe anger or mocking or total ignoring.    On the other side of the spectrum they may become highly self sufficient too early (walking and talking very early) in a bid to become as self sufficient as quickly as possible since their care takers won’t tend to their needs as they need them to. These become the highly pleasing children to keep the mom from being angry, sad or mean.   This self sufficiency hails from a deep hurt brewing within, that harkens to the question: “Am I worth being paid attention to?”  “Am I worth being alive and loved?” These are lodged deep in the unconscious waiting to be expressed at later time in relationships.

The Addiction

Later in life codependency patterns are active and an undercurrent of profound nervousness comes about if one dares to do what they want to do in the face of opposing wants. It is the conditioning in action.  One may even know it is their pattern. They just know they are not at all comfortable asking for what they need. It painful to listen to their own needs. The not knowing what they truly need and want is just always there as the personality evolves.  The other person’s wants are what the real demand of the moment is.  Anything short of that is a problem for them. I have seen full on anxiety attacks when a person attempts to tune into their own needs and wants.  In this sense, codependency is a form of an addiction that is ruled by compulsive actions to avoid the pain of self care.  That is, the  over preoccupation with the another’s feelings, problems, and situations is activated as a way to mitigate the pain of feeling one’s own needs and the fear that they will be rejected or disappointed constantly.

Aren’t We All?

A common question might be “Isn’t everyone codependent?”  We all have codependence within us if we have empathy and compassion and a feeling toward our fellow man.  But the question is: do we engage in relationships in which the empathy for another becomes so much higher than our own self care, in that the other person consumes the mind and takes up space in a way that one’s own needs are sidelined? Also to determine whether or not one is in a codependent state, one needs to analyze the motivation of the empathetic feelings. Are they driven by fear of rejection, the need to fix someone, feelings of guilt, abandonment, criticism, self protection, hyper control of environment etc? If yes then these are not free and healthy motivations.    They are motivations that are compulsive and like a fix from a drug.   That is the “sick” side of love.

The Relationship Looks Like This:

One needs to keep in mind that at the beginning everyone feels so wonderful in codependent relationships in that everyone is hanging on the other’s every word and tending to their every need and emotion. The profile of this kind of relationship at first seems so cozy and so in tune with one another. But the lovely song soon becomes a nightmarish melody. The dark side emerges as guilt  and control that rule the environment.  This is where the deception comes in.  The codependent is so consumed with not hurting the other person that they find themselves being obsessed with showing a side of themselves that is only palatable and positive. They are play acting constantly a version of themselves. The authentic self is buried and asleep but is waiting to be expressed. The codependent feels that the real self has to be concealed and left to play out in rogue and hidden ways. These look like affairs, lies or wild sides. In codependent relationships, all real boundaries are gone. Deplorable treatment, passive aggressiveness, sarcasm and controlling behaviour are explained away as moods or phases. They allow others to take over their life or they engage in taking over other’s lives.  All of this then builds to a crescendo over years of self denial. Then toxic guilt and shame are pervasive due to the years of living in the untruth.  It is common for the codependent to consistently apologize for even existing at all!

Here Are Some Key Codependent Traits:

Here are a few items from a list of characteristics put out by Codependents Anonymous that may assist in having you determine whether or not you are in fact a codependent or in a codependent relationship. Ask yourself if some or all these fit for you:

Denial Patterns:

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

Compliance Patterns:

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns:

I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.

If you answer yes to many of these, it is a good idea to visit a codependency support group as well as read any books by Melody Beattie including Codependent No More.  Therapy is very helpful for this condition because this is an insidious way of being that may be normalized at first but has far reaching and destructive consequences that need to be neutralized as soon as possible.

Can there be commitment without Codependency?

The key to a healthy and committed relationship is a feeling of deep and real love plus freedom. There needs to be a freedom to express without fear of judgment, abandonment and rejection. There needs to be a freedom to be and do what one wants to authentically without fear of reprisals.   Ideally both people in the relationship are individually strong and their self esteem is high enough that they do not need to control, manipulate or lie to the other or subjugate themselves either.  It is a connection based on mutuality of respect, chemistry and of course the almighty freedom to be the authentic self.  This ideal can be achieved through profound awareness and unearthing the deep inner needs, wants of the true self that has gone missing for a very long time. There is recovery from codependency with consistent and persistent work on the issue and on the addictive side of this state of being. Therapy, group support are tools that help.  One needs to realize that they matter and their needs are important. Self care is the answer and the way out of the codependent life.