published in Tonic Magazine, October 2009

Picture this: You have met a new person recently and you are instantly “in love”. You want to spend all day and night with them. It feels as if you are drugged with this new person’s energy and you cannot get enough. You need your daily fix and will do whatever it takes to keep the feeling alive. You love every little thing about them and you don’t sensor yourself one bit in terms of how much time you want with them.  Activities, hobbies, family and friends go by the wayside as the new romance takes over every part of your life. As time passes you begin to see each others realness, each others flaws. The first fights begin.  Even though you both sincerely felt the deepness of the connection at the beginning, the honeymoon is wearing off and now the real work begins.  The adventure of entering into a new relationship can be sensational and wondrous. However it can also be incredibly challenging to navigate in an emotionally safe way if one is not completely clear and aware about self and about what is actually happening in the relationship.

Firstly let’s look at that initial seeming addiction to one another. That is the biochemical oxitocin in action. This “nesting hormone” is coursing through both parties’ veins and increasing every time they touch, caress and even more every time they make love. I usually caution my clients against having sex too soon in a relationship due to this very pernicious little hormone that can trick the mind into thinking it wants to build a nest with someone even if the person may not be right for them. This oxitocin hit can make people ignore clear signs of dysfunction.  And can override clear logic, self care, healthy boundaries and appropriate romance time management that leads people to leave out all the friends and activities that existed outside the relationship’s inner sanctum!

A good rule of thumb is usually to slow down the physical intimacy enough for the emotional intimacy to catch up. Our emotions need trust, familiarity, consistency, respect and a proven track record to become authentic and relaxed.   That requires some time. Rushing into the physical and sensual realms too quickly can result in emotionally rough waters.  Stick your toe in first. Test the water. And then move slowly into it as you become more and more comfortable.  That way the hormone love drug will not trick you into falling hopelessly in love for Mr. or Ms. Wrong!

An essential component to navigating safely in new relationships is having good and healthy boundaries.  The trouble is most people have a hard time knowing what good boundaries are. Impulsiveness for example, can indicate poor boundaries. In the case of new relationships, slow is always better if one is to care well for the self and the soul. Try not to reveal too much of yourself all at once.  Move slowly, checking for compatibility and a sense of safety first.

Once the relationship progresses past the honeymoon phase, it is best not to get caught up in the disease to please.  Good boundaries are saying yes only when you want to and saying no when you do not want to do something. Remember we are not responsible for the other person’s feeling state, only for our own. If one develops authentic “yeses” and “no’s” there is less of a chance of building resentment walls that are sure to create emotional scar tissue in the relationship.  Also, personalize your self care. Find out what you need and desire then take personal responsibility for it. You are the expert on yourself.  Try not to make the other person responsible for your happiness.

Check within yourself to see if you are falling for the person just because they are reaching out to you.  This may indicate not truly looking at one’s own value and worth in a bid to avert loneliness.  Commit to being true and authentic to yourself at all times. This may mean risking letting someone go.  But waiting for the right person to fall in love with is so rewarding and definitely worth staying the course of commitment to self.  Remember that like attracts like and when you are in the vibration of self love and self respect, you are bound to attract a similar vibration in someone else. Have the intention to be true to self.

As the relationship evolves, pay attention to what the other person is doing versus saying.  “Show don’t Tell” is the philosophy.  Believe people when they show you who they are. Don’t slip into a blissful oxytocin induced denial of what is really going on.  Words are really not to be trusted in a new relationship. It’s all about the actions. Do not ignore the signs and symptoms of key warning flags.   Don’t fall in love with someone’s potential.   Pay attention to what you are seeing in the here and now.  Staying in a relationship based on what one thinks the other person may become is a tremendously tempting hazard that usually seriously disappoints!

Stay true to your own core values despite what someone else may want otherwise feelings of self betrayal may ensue.   Compromise is needed in many areas as the relationship becomes more serious but it is so crucial to be the person you truly are versus who you would like to present especially at the beginning.  Also, watch out not to bring old patterns of behaviour into the new relationship either.  Emotional projections and baggage from past hurts or past failed relationships can completely sabotage the future of a new and emerging connection.

The reality is that we grow the most through relationships. New ones are a worth while risk that need to be taken with one’s eyes wide open.  Lessons will be learned no matter what, but the above guidelines may facilitate the navigation of the new relationship journey with a little more ease.