I notice that so many suffer for so long with unresolved anger toward parents that they wish had been different.  There is almost a refusal to step into their adulthood fully for fear that that would mean that they did not suffer and that they were condoning what had happened at the hands of their unconscious parents.  This anger becomes solidified and then become projections onto partners and friends. These unresolved issues become a pattern to “parentify” their present day relationships. That is, there is an unconscious desire to work out the unresolved issues they had with their parents by projecting their unresolved emotions onto their love relationships in their adult life.

For example, Mary (not her real name) is now 35 but grew up in a very difficult family home. As a child, she experienced an emotionally withholding mother that was extremely manipulative, and worst of all she withheld her love when Mary displeased her throughout her life. Also she had an emotionally unavailable, distant father.   Her dad was the kind of man that did not show emotion or affection. He was distant, authoritarian and lacked empathy. Mary was a very lonely and sad child in her own family home.

Today, she finds herself repeating a series of relationships with men, in which she projects her parental anger and her emotional wounds onto them. She is unconsciously attracting men into her life who embody her parental familiar patterns. They are withholding and emotionally unavailable. She feels unable to move beyond this repetitive cycle. The repetition happens because Mary is trying to resolve the past. But the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result!

Her relationships seem to follow a familiar trajectory every time. She falls for the wrong guy. He does not make her a priority. She begins to cling as she feels abandoned and disappointed.  She often feels like maybe she is not doing enough and so she finds herself trying to compensate, trying to please, trying to get some affection and love from the relationship. Inevitably this becomes tiresome and then her anger surfaces and the fights ensue.  The relationship ends with this repetition.

Her pain levels and depression increase with every failed relationship. The deprived child within her is running the show. She is seeking love in all the wrong places yet her unconscious drive to be loved by that particular type of person seems to seduce her in a way that she has no control. It is literally acting like a drug within her. The passion that these drama relationships offer are like crack cocaine and they send her in to a haze of initial joy which turns into desperation that seems to shut the adult right up and empowers the hurt child to do its damage!

She asks: “Why am I so seduced by this kind of person?” “How do I break the pattern of projecting my family issues onto my adult relationships?”

The answer lies in the hurt, unresolved and deprived child that is running the show. The only way to break the cycle of dysfunction is to tend to that deprived child within, as priority number one no matter what. Only then will the child settle down. Mary needs to show that child that she will be making better more self nurturing choices for herself. It is the only way that the child will stop acting out with these bad choices. It is the only way the child will begin to trust that good things can come from healthy choices. The grasping and desperate choices are not the only game in town. So for example at the first sign of an emotionally unavailable and withholding man she needs to act in a counter intuitive manner. Instead of grasping for affection in a place that is surely going to disappoint, do the opposite. That is stopping investing emotionally in this person who is repetitively disappointing her. She needs to show the inner child that there is another way to get the love she needs. This child only knows the emotional patterns of her upbringing and she finds a sense of comforting in the familiar. So the adult needs to re-educate in order to create new neural pathways that are linked to the drive for love in a more healthy way.  That is, giving the appropriate “Run, don’t walk!” signals when emotional abuse, or emotional withholding is occurring.

Remember that the repetition is logical for the inner child part.  The hurt and deprived child just wants love and affection and to feel like a priority. It sees the dysfunctional love as familiar and therefore normalizes it. Give the child what it needs but in a healthy way.  It is not as dramatic and seductive as the unrequited lover scenario but it is less scarring and depressing.

The only real way to move beyond the scars of one’s upbringing and the anger for one’s parents is to re-parent the self. That is to make yourself a priority. This will begin to heal the wounds of the past. Only then can you move into a truly adult state in which you need very little from your parents.

Re-Parenting yourself: Sit quietly in a room by yourself. Visualize daily if you can.  See yourself taking care of yourself as a little child.  Give the child within unconditional nurturing love. Visualize yourself being the parent that you needed and didn’t have. Visualize saying to yourself as a child “You are enough. You matter. You’re important to me. I love you.” And then affirm to yourself often: “I am enough. I have enough. And there is more than enough in the universe for me.”  Then, begin to make choices that indicate you are a valuable person. Evaluate the people you allow into your life. Be discerning and show the child within that you can be trusted to be a loving and responsible parent to yourself. This will begin to retrain your whole being.

The only way Mary is going to bring into her life the kind of relationships that she craves is to first be that kind of person towards herself. She needs to create a relationship with herself that is very intimate, loving, forgiving and compassionate. Change will begin to occur and transformation will slowly take over her entire vibration which will then attract a new kind of energy into her life.  If you are feeling like Mary, try the above mentioned techniques and watch your life transform!

Victoria Lorient-Faibish MEd, CCC, RPP, RPE
Holistic Psychotherapist
Masters in Educational Psychology
Canadian Certified Counsellor
Registered Polarity Practitioner
Registered Polarity Educator
Reiki Master
New Decision Therapy