Published in Tonic Magazine
Workplace conflicts are extremely common and are affecting the bottom lines of companies. People complain that their bosses are not acknowledging them enough or they are unable to work with a difficult colleague. The pervasive common denominator that I see is that those involved may not be fully in their adult state. Family dynamics are being projected on to their work environment and their “family of origin” issues are being played out in repetitive ways. This is damaging their ability to thrive and be successful at their job.
One example of this is a client, John, who consistently felt taken advantage of and not acknowledged by his boss. He found himself feeling resentful and poised for conflict with his boss repetitively. Yet when I encouraged him to draw clearer boundaries, he felt unable to. He felt underpaid and overworked and paralyzed to ask for more money.
He unknowingly had been projecting his own father issues on to his boss. John grew up with an absentee father who gave him very little attention and a lot of criticism. Deep fear of rejection and abandonment by his father is what we were able to uncover. A pattern of not being able to speak his truth with male authority figures evolved later in life. Speaking authentically was simply not an option for a boy who just wanted to be loved and approved of by his distant, critical dad. In a skewed way, this boss became like a father figure to John. This unresolved family dynamic was playing itself out and John was operating from his “hurt child” within his adult work environment.
John needed to become aware of this “father projection” in order to truly step into his “adult” at work. Once he was able to observe and understand what he was doing, he could see his boss more as a company man looking out for the bottom line of the corporation and not as a rejecting father figure. The only way he was going to get the kind of acknowledgment that he craved, was to first feel like a valuable person from within that did not depend on an external authority figure for approval. This awareness propelled him to ask for more money and to successfully draw clearer boundaries in more fearless ways.
Becoming aware of what is actually going on when one is having conflicts at work is paramount to begin reversing the patterns. Is sibling rivalry at play with a colleague? Are you fighting to be heard and seen by a mother/father figure at work or perhaps are you afraid to draw clear boundaries because you fear rejection?
Are you operating from your hurt child or you are in your balanced adult?
These are questions to ask yourself so that you can reverse old self sabotaging patterns that no longer serve you in your adult work life. Awareness is the key. Action based on that awareness is the answer.
